MIL jealous over my family/"keeps score"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
MIL jealous over my family/"keeps score"
16
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:24pm
Hi All! I'd like to know if any of you have ever had to deal with this and how did you deal with it?! My MIL is constantly saying comments to my DH on the phone "you just went to her parents house, when are you coming here?" She keeps track of how many times we go visit my family and gets upset when we don't visit her as much (my family is 3 hrs away, his family is 5 hrs away). Every phone call she asks when we are coming to visit next. She gets very jealous of my family and the things we do with them. She keeps track of holidays and where we spend them, etc. My DH and I are closer with my family than his. How do we deal with his mother's jealousy and comments all the time? It's getting to the point that my husband lies to my MIL and keeps things from her because he doesn't want to hear her complain and carry on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:41am

Hi,

My Mom used to be bothered by the time I spend with my MIL. So, as best as I could, I simply DID NOT tell her when I saw my MIL. (And, my Mom had no way of finding out if I was with my MIL.) So, maybe you and your DH can simply not mention anything to his Mom. (This is sometimes hard to do as sometimes you may "slip" and mention seeing your family.) I used to initially hate keeping things from my Mom, but I really felt that her jealous behavior forced me to not say things to her.

Good luck and keep us posted.

-JoJo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:21am

Hi. Your MIL really makes you guys *want* to visit, doesn't she? NOT!! I'm sorry she doesn't get it.

There is nothing wrong with selecting what information to share with family members, she really doesn't *need* to know who/where/what is going on, and obviously "abuses" the news she does get.

If your husband cannot bring himself to be straight with her, as in, "Mom, you know we (I?) love you and we visit when we can. I'm not going to go into this every time you call. When you start up with the subject of us visiting anyone else more than we visit you, I'm going to end the call." then he can just end the call when she gets into it.

Since it's best not to lie, maybe you could work out a signal so that you ring the doorbell/set off the oven timer/call his cell phone/whatever and he can use that as an excuse. But he has to be ready to actually get off the phone and not get sucked back in. Example; "Oops, there's the doorbell! Gotta go, love you Mom, talk to you later. "
Or, just "Well, gotta go. I love you Mom, 'bye. " without the "excuse".

Unless she's denser than a dolphin and most other mammals, she should "get it". She may want to "discuss" it when she does, in which case DH might want to tell her that that behavior drives him nuts (or away?) and he chooses not to indulge it anymore.

Even if she doesn't get it and improve her behavior, this relieves your DH (and you by association) of the stress of hearing her go on, and on, and on, etc.

Good luck! She may get better, it could happen.

lve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:41pm

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no answer to this having gone through similar.

When my husband and I lived out of the area, my mum would often complain we never visited enough even though we visited each other once a month (we alternated our visits to each others house). When visiting us, mum complained she hated travelling (probably hinting at wanting us to do all the travelling). Even so, monthly wasn't enough and she'd tell us about relatives whose children visited their parents every weekend!

When we postponed a visit to my parents' by one week to attend my MIL's 50th birthday party, mum's response was, "You ALWAYS go and see them, you NEVER come and see us." WTF!!!!! It was February and that was the first time we'd seen my ILs! We'd already seen my parents twice so far that year. The year before, we saw my ILs just twice and once was at our wedding! My parents, well, it was more than once a month because we were getting married in my birth town and had to go up extra times to make arrangements, visit photographers, florists etc.

So, no matter what you do, your MIL will always compare unless you a) continue lying, b) don't tell her at all about visits to your family or c) tell her once and for all how things are for you both.

I hope the other posters have come up with something more helpful. I'm sorry that I couldn't have been any more help but I really do sympathise xxx



“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:22pm

Well we've got freedom of speach. Your MIL can whine and moan till her face turns blue, doesn't mean you have to listen or give a crap.

"My MIL is constantly saying comments to my DH on the phone "you just went to her parents house, when are you coming here?"

He says "oh, I don't know, depends on when we get vacation days again". Then change the subject.

"How do we deal with his mother's jealousy and comments all the time?"

What do you mean by "deal"? Are you wanting to know how to pretend that it doesn't bother you? To know what to say or do to make her stop? This is how she is, it's not coming as a surprise to you if you go to your family that she'll get huffy and make jealous comments. So don't tell her you're going, it's not her business anyway.

You can't live your life (or not live it) to please your mother in law and appease her jealous lunitic rantings. Either don't tell her, or in-one-ear-out-the-other.

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:02pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:03pm

Hi Jsparkle32!

My mom used to do that to me. She used to make comments about the time I would spend over my ILs. After awhile, I stopped telling her everytime we went over there, etc. If she didn't know, there was no way for her to be upset.






Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 9:07pm
I agree with the other ladies. Don't tell them when you are going to visit your family. Its none of their business anyway. If they don't know they can't keep score and they can't complain. What they don't know won't hurt them.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:59am
Thanks to everyone that responded to my post. It helped hearing everyone's thoughts. I need to thank dansfoxywife for some of her comments. She asked if I was trying to pretend my MIL doesn't bother me or am I trying to make her stop her behavior. Yes - I guess I was. I guess I do wish I could make her stop and change her ways. But you are right - she is the way she is and I cannot change her now. Another thing dansfoxywife posted was "you can't live your life to please your MIL". I think that is what my DH and I are stuggling with a lot and that is exactly what I need to keep in mind through all of our issues with my MIL. I don't want to live my entire life doing what my MIL wants just to shut her up - which is what we do right now!!! I feel that my DH is stuck in a hard place. He completely see's where I'm coming from with a lot of issues with his mom and he get's very angry with his mom over many things himself. However, he just keeps everything to himself and just complains to me. He won't speak up to his mom or put his foot down to her because he doesn't want to hear her complain. Man - we just go in circles with issues with his Mom. I guess we need to stop praying his mom will change and my DH and I need to work together to stand up for ourselves and do what we want. I just need to figure out how to get my DH to that place ?!!? If my DH agrees to visit his family for a weekend because his mom keeps nagging us - should I put my foot down and say I'm not going and he can go himself? If he's not going to speak up to his mom should this be my way of speaking up? I have tried that before once and my DH get's upset because he doesn't want to go home by himself and hear his mom complain all weekend why I didn't come because she reads into it that I don't like them, etc. So, I tend to give in, suck it up, and go along for the weekend. What do you guys think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:09pm
You're right, it is a hard place for your DH to be, and one he shouldn't be in. Both you and he can help there. Yes, I think you should go "to visit his family for a weekend" but NOT because she is nagging you to do so. IF you both have the vacation days and IF you want to go instead of staying home, then go. You know, there's this great little thing about the telephone. It's called HANGING UP. If she starts nagging and going on and on, just calmly say something like "we will come when we are able to, I'm sorry if that isn't good enough. I've got to go now, love you bye!" and, you got it, hang up. If she doesn't stop talking, talk over her and hang up. If she interrupts don't let her, keep right on talking and hang up. Write it down and have it near the phone so you can read it and not get flustered or interjected by her. After enough times she'll listen and stop. Right now nagging serves her purpose--it works. Honoring thy father and mother doesn't mean catering to their whim. It doesn't mean seeing them every three day weekend. It doesn't mean seeing them period. It means being the adult you are supposed to be, cleaving unto thy wife. If he isn't cleaving, choosing you over them, he is DIShonoring them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 7:52pm
STAY AWAY!Don't tell her stuff. Works for me. Give her just enough that you are not telling her everything. She doesn't need to be informed on how spend your holidays etc or that you went to visit your family. MIL needs to chill out. If she asks you lots of questions be evasive and general in your answering. HERE'S A BIGGER TIP:LIE

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