MIL refuses to apologize

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
MIL refuses to apologize
16
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 11:45am

Hi,
Incase anyone hasn't read my posts before I had a big blowout with MIL in June. She yelled and screamed at me at my 5 & 6 year old sons' event in front of everyone there including my kids. She called me terrible names and swore like a truck driver and even threatened to slap me. This was all because my son dropped his ice cream, had a tantrum, and I wouldn't get him another because of the way he acting. She couldn't stand to see him cry and wanted to just let him have his way. When dh told her to just sit down and mind her business she got mad and started making coments like "it's not my fault, I'm not the one making him cry" and "don't blame me that your life is crap". Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe these coments were referring to me even though they were not said directly to me. Anyway I told her that these were my kids and I will do want I want and I am the mother not her. That is when she blew up at me. Then she harrassed us with letters and emails badmouthing me until finally I tried to get a restraining order and dh and I took her to court. The judge told us that we didn't need a court order to keep her away and that she needs to let go.

She has never liked me from the beginning. She doesn't think anyone is good enough for her son. She has told stories about me to her son accusing me of not feeding my kids and abusing them. She even lied and said she put a tape recorder under my couch and it had me saying terrible things to my kids and about my husband of which were not true. She even admitted there she really didn't put a tape recorder there and she just wanted her son to know what he lives with. She always wants to be in control and I won't let her and my dh is behind me. In 11 years this was the first time I spoke up to her.

Anyway she wants to see her grandchildren. My dh's uncle told him that she fell at a restaurant and got hurt so I told dh that he should call and show his concern. She is still his mother. After she told him what happened she asked when is she going to see the kids. Dh told her she needs to apologize first and she got mad and said for what. Then she wrote him a letter saying that we should apologize to her for treating her the way we did and taking her to court. She said that I started the fight at the ball park and that we should know that if we provoke someone they will fight back. I believe I was the one being provoked. She said that if I didn't want an argument in public I should have kept my mouth shut.

I should add that she wants us to drop off the kids and have no interaction with her. That will never happen. If she apologizes should I take the kids there and stay or should I just not let her see them at all. I know they love her and I don't want to be the one to take their grandmother away but I can't let them be alone with her. They only asked if they could go there once since then because they saw a picture that was taken in her apartment. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want them to be sad but I do think that all of us deserve an apology.

I guess my question is how do you explain to a 5 & 6 year old that their grandmother has something mentally wrong with her? They see her as the nice grandmother who gives them whatever they want and is fun to be with.




Edited 10/6/2006 1:09 pm ET by mom_tweety37

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:31pm

Hi,

I truly feel for you and am in the same postion, however DH sees nothing wrong with his mother seeing our kids without me. I'll give you a quick background....as soon as we got engaged mil called me a gold digger and told me to give back my engagement ring. She cancelled my wedding. After we finally made it down the aisle and was married for a yr I became pregnant. MIL told accused me of trapping her son, cursed the day I married him and told me to abort. My oldest ds has autism, mil has told me it is due to my parenting. I've since had 3 other children....she threw a fit each time we told her we were expecting, yet demands grandparent rights!!!! She will say inappropriate things to my kids, she has hit them and disciplined in front of me. Last fall she up and decided one day that I was not the kind of dil she wanted, so "poof" she writes me out of the family. Ignores me at gatherings, refused to sign my name to cards, excluded me from holiday gifts. The problem is she wants to continue seeing my children, in my home after declaring that ! I put my foot down, told DH NO MORE! If she cannot respect me or accept me and treat me with dignity then she will not see my children.

In 13 yrs of marriage I have never disrespected or said an unkind word to the woman yet she has been rude, disrespectful and down right mean to me.....in front of my kids. She has not respected my role has wife to her son and mother to MY CHILDREN! She too has never apologized but that in my mind would not mean a thing!

You are standing up for yourself, your DH is with you on this.....I say move on....don't look back. You are protecting your family from someone who doesn't respect you or your children if this is how she conducts herself. I would not feel guilty about it! I too struggle with telling my 11,8,6 and 4 yr olds why they don't see grandma. Dh and I don't agree on her visitation privledges. She has not seen the kids for a yr but has been asking DH. My advice would be to tell you kids that grandma doesn't know how to follow the rules and until she does.....she's having a time out! Good Luck and Hugs!

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:38pm

The fact that your MIL actually told you to abort your oldest and blames you for Autism, and your DH still thinks it would be hunky dory to allow the children to see her, really disturbs me.

You definitely have a DH with a few screws loose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 7:21am
That is an awful thing that you are going through. I didn't think it was possible for someone to be so evil. Your MIL sounds even worse than mine. The problem with mine is she doesn't support me when I try to discipline my kids, she justs lets them get away with anything they want as long as they don't cry. God forbid. She will not own up to anything she has done to me even after everyone told her she was wrong. DH decided that he doesn't want to go see her at all. Just the thought of it aggravates him. I am so lucky he is on my side. Seeing all these posts made me realize that. I hope things get better with you. Just stick to your guns. We are both doing the right thing in protecting our children.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 1:16pm

Hi,

I know what you mean about "owning" up to their behavior. It's kind of like getting valadation for your feelings. They stepped out of bounds and it's not ok. I never ever got an apology from my MIL and she will never own up to ANYTHING. At one time an apology would have gone miles.....but now too much has hapened. I'm over that now, just because any MIL that would tell her DIL to abort their grandchild and then demand grandparents rights....is definitely a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

You have to look beyond the fact that she underminds you...I certainly can relate to that and say "WHO CARES!" Don't give her that power to make you feel guilty. You are so blessed to have DH on your side! I would give anything to have DH stick up for me. MIL has been a wedge in my marriage from day one and DH has allowed it. I have a fight brewing in the near future with MIL coming to see the kids. I have told DH NO but he insists......I'm sure I will be posting very soon! Good Luck!

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 5:15pm
No kidding. My Dh would have flipped if his mother said that to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:03pm
well hon, you did the right thing, set up a lunch date for her to see the kids, or go to a play ground along with your dh, and stay with in ear shot too. keep all messages from her for furture refences for a rastraining order,or placing her in a home ! if it comes to that, explain to the kids, that although grand ma can be nice, she has some problems of her own that she needs to learn to deal with first, with a councler.

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