Mother in law on the attack-help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mother in law on the attack-help!
12
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:08am

I need help with my current situation, because it is not getting any better.

This whole silly situation stemmed from a July 4th celebration at my inlaws. We were there with my dh's whole family and stayed for approx. 7 hrs. I had to work the next day and spoke w/dh about when we would leave (I wanted to be home and relax a few hours before the next day-since this was my only day off). He agreed and when the time came to leave dh was reluctant to do so. This was obvious to MIL and she called him the next day to speak with him about it. He told her to speak with me directly and she did.

Now, this family has had a great trauma in it. My BIL died 3 years ago and my dh's family is still hurting over this, it is a horrible situation. We are all affected by it. My dh is the only son now and my MIL I guess wants to spend as much time with him as possible. So, when we left that day, she was upset. Even after I explained to her why we left, she said that I work too much and maybe it is selfish of her to want to spend time with him-but she wanted to. I said that we were there for many hours-it still didn't matter.

I have to work to make money-it is my job. She doesn't work. Her husband works 7 days a week sometimes, because she doesn't work. Why is it ok for him, but not me.

Well, the conversation we had did not end well and I realized that these people that I loved and cared for did not return the feelings. I was shocked and felt like I was living a lie. At one time, I had told my mother that I felt she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. That is how close "I thought" we were.

She sent me a card for my birthday, in it was a note. The note stated that we need to stop this childishness. We need to become a stronger family. She also stated that it was unrealistic of me to think that they should be able to see my husband and I as a unit. They have only known me for a few years and my husband since birth. She said that I have a different personality and that it will take time for them to accept that. (They have always singled me out-I am the city girl and they are the country bumpkins (their words not mine). I feel like she is saying: We are perfect and until you can fit in this mold that is similar to ours, we can't accept you.

No where in the letter did she apologize. My husband said that she never will apologize. She never has and she will never say she is wrong.

I don't know what to do. Many other things were said and done-but I don't know what to do. It has happened before and I decided to bite my lip and apologize and move on. Now, it has happened again and I promised myself I would not go back on my principles. What do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:49pm
Nobody can tell you what to do, but I tell you what I'd do. I would show the letter to my husband and ask him what WE are going to do about it. I would point out how his mother has said I was an unwelcome outsider and that the union, the cleaving, the "let noone put assunder" of your marriage is in direct attack from her by their refusal to acknowledge and accept you as a part of him. I would ask Dan, "as my man, how are you going to reply to your mom becoming a point of contention in our marriage?"

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 3:56pm

Your husband needs to tell MOMMEE, that you are a unit, that your feelings matter and she needs to grow the heck up. I am sorry she lost BIL. I think that is horrible. But, you cannot expect other people to do what you want all of the time, just because you suffered a loss. EVERYONE suffers loss at one time or another. It is not an excuse for behaving badly.

Personally, that letter would be a dealbreaker for me. I would no longer want to be with people who think so little of me.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 3:57pm

Great post! I totally agree. I also think that the OP should never apologize to her MIL. Why should she? I mean, the OP works for a living and MIL doesn't. THat is all well and good, but perhaps if MIL actually had to work, she might understand the need to relax.

ETA: That was not a slam at SAHMs or anyone who does not work for any other reason. I am a fulltime student and SAHM. I know taking care of children and a home is not easy work. Just wanted to clarify.




Edited 8/27/2006 4:20 pm ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 7:44pm

I want to thank all of you for helping me through this. I was starting to think I was over-reacting. It is good to hear that all of you are voicing my thoughts exactly.

At first I was just utterly disappointed that my mil would even stoop to put something like that in my birthday card-then to read further, just makes me realize that she needs help with these feelings of hers. She needs quite a bit of therapy.

My first instinct is to cut them out of my life. By doing so, is putting a strain on my marriage though. This isn't an easy one. I'm not one to hide my true feelings. They are usually out there for everyone to see. I can't fake them. I am just totally blown away right now and I'm trying to keep myself together.

Wow, this is hard.

Thank you for you help-it is truely appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:50pm

Hi. Do we have the same MIL? I can totally relate to you, hon. My MIL and I had a huge blow up after we were first married. In fact, the day we got married- I walked up to her and said "Well I guess we're finally family". She blew me off, didn't tell me how beautiful the wedding was or anything. She was p'od about it because it did not revolve around her. Well we've been married 4 1/2 years and she still pulls this childish stuff. She has never apologized for any of the mean things she does or says. DH realizes what a monster in law she can be because she's a monster to him sometimes too. If it doesn't revolve around her, then it means nothing to her. She would like for him to be near him every minute and doesn't recognize us as a family unit. We're expecting our first child and she acts like we don't know what we're doing. Her "advice" (as she calls it) is meant to be helpful but she comes across as it is her way of doing things or nothing at all. I wish we could take all of this MILs and put them together in a room somewhere.... make bets on who would win. They would perhaps kill each other and we wouldn't have to worry about them ever again.
Good luck with yours. I've found the best thing I can do is let DH deal with his mother. If I make any sort of comment towards her she starts crying and trys to put all of the blame on me. It is very frustrating, but I've just gotten to where I don't speak with her unless I have to. It keeps me sane.

HTH
Sam :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:04am
I read your statement and I would have to say that I think your MIL does need some kind of counseling or therapy. She is obviously still hurting over the death of her other son 3 years ago. I think she is feeling like she has now lost her other son as well now that he has gotten married and is afraid that now both her son's are gone from her life. Maybe that is why she is treating you so badly and saying those horrible things.
You mentioned: "At one time, I had told my mother that I felt she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. That is how close "I thought" we were."
Prior to this, it seems she was nice to you and liked you and you her. Something must have cracked in your MIL's mind recently that made her to believe that if she still wants her son in her life, she needs to pull him away from you. That is why she wrote: "it was unrealistic of me to think that they should be able to see my husband and I as a unit."
She wants her son back. Not your husband, The son that passed away, she is angry and upset about his death and she is trying to stay as close as possible to her other son, your husband, because she is afraid that she will lose him from her life as well. She told you when you had to leave for work, "that I work too much and maybe it is selfish of her to want to spend time with him-but she wanted to." She said this not because she thinks you should not be working, she said it, I think, because she is scared and wants to spend all the time she can with the son that is still here (maybe because she didn't spent that much time with her other son before his accident? and is feeling guilty about that). And she is scared to death that something bad will happen to him like her other son and she wants to spend as much time as she can with him because of that reason. She does need counseling severly, maybe her husband does as well.
Breaking up your marriage is not going to bring her other son back, maybe your husband needs to tell her that as well. You both (you and your husband)need to sit down with her and explain that you love each other and that is why you married each other, to love and start a life with each other. You both do not want her or her husband out of your lives, you love them too and tell them not to worry, you both cherish all the time you have with them whether it is an entire day, a few hours or just a few minutes day and you will never feel like they were not there enough for either of you.
Tell your MIL that you do not hate her, you never hated her, you just want things to be back to normal between you two and you would just like for her to treat you with some kindness and respect because you are her son's wife and you love him and want to have a happy, healthy marriage with him and a happy, healthy relationship with his family.
You'll be the bigger person in this situation and they should respect you for it. Only your MIL can heal her own self/mind when it comes to her other son's death. Hopefully she will find help. Take Care and best of luck to you ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:46pm

I'm very glad that it is not just me that has these problems; however, I am sad that many of us do have similar problems. Many of us have enough to worry about and to add this to the list seems ridiculous. Why can't we all just live in happiness-I mean we are supposed to love one another right?

I appreciate your taking the time to address my situation and help me through this. Each day I get stronger and realize what I must do. Having my DH take over may not be such a bad idea. Not reacting is probably the best thing (because my reactions would surely make things worse).

I am really thankful for finding this board.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 2:16pm

Huh,

The country bumpkins v.s. the city girl is familiar with me. I'm in a similar situation. My FIL has told me that i think he's ignorant. i've never said that about him or to him but he's right, I do. And not because he's a country bumpkin either but interestingly he has lived in the country all his life.

I like the advice you got that you can let your hubby deal with his parents. I would benefit from thinking that way too. My hubby isn't dealing with them, but I need to stop feeling responsible for that. It is his responsibility to deal with them. I've pulled way back and now I just need to work on my boundaries with them.

It's a shame that your relationship isn't what you thought it was with your mil. I'm sure that's causing you sadness too. I felt alot of sorrow and went through some mourning when I realized my in-laws were mistreating me. It's got to be really hard for you because you even told your mil that she felt like a mother to you. The fact that she could write you that note after you told her that really shows how deeply she's hurting. It may not all be because she's "losing" her son either. Maybe she has issues with the fact that you work and she doesn't. It definitely sounds like she needs to get a life and I'm not saying that to be mean either.

You wrote: >>Many of us have enough to worry about and to add this to the list seems ridiculous. Why can't we all just live in happiness-I mean we are supposed to love one another right?<<

My sentiments exactly!

cantbecontrolled

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 8:48pm
I"m so sorry for you. I hope you can be polite and civil with her, and let some time heal these wounds. I had many ups and downs with my MIL and sometimes I aplogized when I felt it was she who owed me an apology. I don't know if that was right or not, but being polite keeps things from getting worse. Good for you for standing your ground, though. And it's totally unrealistic for her to not take you and your husband as a unit, though as a mom of a married son I can appreciate how nice it is to have some alone time with him every once in awhile, even if it's a 15 minute chat. You hopefully will have to share your husband with his family for many years, so it's better to try and stay on civil terms even when it's really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:00pm
I think there are some good posts here about ideas how to handle this. I liked the dansfoxywife post.
When I married 17 years ago, I married a woman my mother thought was beneath me. My wife was from an ajoining parish (county) that has a lot of "country bumkins". She told me that she had such high hopes for me and then I ran off and got married to this woman.
What a crock of bull. I'm totally happy. Mother stills feels that way, so I just don't let her into my married life much. It's hurt my relationship with my Mother, but I've got my life to live, I'm not going to let her live it for me. She has encouraged me to leave my wife at different times instead of working out problems, but then says that she is not trying to influence me. Double crock of bull!
When you marry, you do marry the whole family somewhat, but with DH support, you and him can together keep her at bay. He better support you even if he does not agree with you.
Good Luck. And as a last resort, you can jump her ass real good. Last resort only, she would never forget it.

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