A mother-in-law only a demon would like

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
A mother-in-law only a demon would like
47
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 8:43pm

Ok, so I've been married for 20 years . . .and my mother-in-law has always been intrusive, meddling, nervy . . .the list goes on, and I won't bore you with all the really annoying things she has done in the past.

She moved to be closer to us a few years ago - to be taken care of . . .supported emotionally and financially . . .

My son's (who is no blood relation to my mother-in-law)wife is expecting a child soon - this is my first grandchild . . .maybe I should be happy that my MIL is taking an interest, but I feel that she is going to create a wedge between me and my daughter-in-law - and not give me the space I want with my grandchild . . .

Today my son called me and told me that my MIL called him and his wife and suggested a baby name (which they both liked) for MY grandchild. My husband had just told my MIL the other night not to interfere - granted, my son and his wife a few weeks ago said to us all, any suggestions would be appreciated, but this is MY grandchild - not hers - and she's making sure she includes her dead husband in the name somehow.

I have been fuming all day - imagine your MIL with no relation to your kids trying to name your grandchild????? I was very angry all day -

I have been very worried that she won't give me the space I will need with my grandchild anyway, but I am very angry about this situation. I don't even know if they will use her name or if it will be a boy, but I lost my father a couple of years ago, and I really always longed for my son to have a boy so that my father could be remembered and honored because I loved him so much . . .

I wish my MIL would get abducted by aliens - this isn't the only thing that bothers me about her - there are many problems with her . . .but this just robbed me of the happiness I feel about my grandchild.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 10:51pm

Do you have a good relationship with your son?

I would tell him exactly what you wrote here so he knows how you feel. You never know he might be p!ssy that mil was interfering as well :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 10:52pm

{{{hugs}}}

This is one of those petty things that gets stacked on top of a lifetime of petty things and just feels overwhelming. Like it's that last little straw.

Maybe the aliens WILL abduct her!

Every time you think of her and her insidious selfishness, immediately think of a blessing in your life.

Try to focus on *YOUR* relationship with these people, relegate her to the position of "annoying stranger they mention sometimes", and NEVER let yourself be "guilted" into sharing *YOUR* time with your son and his wife. She can see them on her own!

Good luck, and if it feels like *TOO* much? There is NO shame in seeking professional advice. This has been building for 20 years, it may take more than you can do right now to keep you balanced and content.

{{{hugs}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:36am

I do have a good relationship with my son - I try to give them their space and privacy and let them live their own lives. I thought I had a good relationship with my daughter--in--law, but I see how my MIL is putting a nice wedge in between us.

I did tell my son how I felt about my MIL trying to name my grandchild - I'm sure my MIL would feel the same way if her mother-in-law did that too - she didn't like her MIL either -
I told my son that I'm furious, but they were excited about the name.

The thing is my husband told her to butt out when she was talking about it to us - but she went right ahead and did it - there's absolutely no blood relation between this child and my MIL.

I just resent her so much and want to be able to bond with my grandchild without this woman hovering and making my life miserable.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:47am

You have an interesting approach. I could seek inner peace and do just want you say, but the woman feels an entitlement to everything that's mine - she's incredibly nervy and tries to get invited to everything. There's many times I cannot just be with my son and daughter-in-law because of my MIL, and I'm so sick of it. There is no blood relation between my MIL or my upcoming grandchild.

When my kids were born, this is a woman who found a way to barge into the recovery room and to rob me of a special time to be with my husband and child. I was getting cleaned up, the baby was screaming, and she just walks right in on us. Don't get me started, but this woman has gone over and beyond her boundaries in many situations - the last biggy was deciding that we support her, and she moved 2,000 miles to where we live, and only five minutes a way. And she just holds her hands out for more all the time - takes our money, our privacy, my family and now my grandchildren.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 9:19am

I understand. Really, I do.

Realistically, though, what *can* you do? You can set boundaries with your self and your home, but anything outside of that is beyond your control.

If you were just venting, then I apologize and offer my condolences on the baggage load your husband came with. :o)

Hey, maybe she'll go too far with them, too. It's a pattern in her life, isn't it?

Your son has watched you dealing with her over the years, hopefully he picked up some tactics and techniques for limiting her involvement.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 9:53am

I'm not sure if I'm venting anymore. I guess I've gotten to the age where I just am not tolerant anymore and not that young girl that will take the punches. I do appreciate your input - any input, support is needed - this is what I recently wrote out for my husband . . .what do you think?

Jeff,
I cannot live like this anymore. I had thought that my stomach problems were due from a bug or something and the pills had helped, but now I have the runs again - (sorry for the description).

Below is an article I found about MIL's . . .and how they can poison family life -- which is happening to our family . . .

I don't think it's my place to talk to your mother, and I don't want you to go storming at her either . . .but I'd really like you to have a firm talk with her about boundaries. I want her to understand how hurt and angered I felt when she called Tom and Linda with a name for the baby (even though they asked for suggestions) and how she would feel if her mother-in-law did the same thing - I want to be able to enjoy my experience as a grandmother without her being a pest. I know we will have limited time with our grandchild anyway, and I'd like to form some kind of bond without your mother interfering - this is something I have always looked forward to, and I feel that your mother is robbing me of the happiness I should be feeling.

Also, your mother doesn't have to like or agree with everything I say or do, but she does need to respect our differences. I don't need her put down's about my salad dressing or the way I chose to bring up my children or the way I eat healthy. I don't care if she eats margarine and diet coke - it's her life, and her health, so why does she make fun of the fact that I eat healthy and like to buy a lot of food organically or free range. She should be happy that I'm trying keep my family in good health . . .

I don't feel like I'm in a good place mentally or physically because of her, and you have to understand how angry I am to actually say "I hate her" - because I don't really hate her, but she just gets under my skin tremendously - and I just can't ignore it or let it go in one ear and out the other because I feel she's damaging the relationship I have with you, with my own daughter-in-law, and with Tommy - I'm sensing that Linda is getting aggravated with me also because my anger spills over onto them. I would like to say that I'm not trying to turn them against your mother, but I am . . .and I feel like Linda is/will take her side because I'm turning into a bitter mother-in-law just like your mother.

I just want this all to stop because I'm seriously considering cutting off all contact with your mother because she's now affecting my health. I do know it was a mistake having her move to Austin - it was my idea, and it's turned into a real nightmare for me . . .

Here's the article:

WHILE OUT TO LUNCH at a restaurant, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation at the table next to me. There sat three women, each complaining about her mother-in-law. "My husband's mother started criticizing me at my wedding 20 years ago and she never stopped," one woman said. "My mother-in-law thinks my husband is her personal handy man--she'll call at least once a week, insisting he come over right away and do this and that," said another. "My mother-in-law stops by all the time, expecting us to drop what we're doing and entertain her," said the third woman.
How sad, I thought to myself, that these women had such difficult times with their mothers-in-law. Yet I knew they weren't alone in how they feel. Getting along with your in-laws can be one of the biggest challenges of married life. According to researchers at Utah State University, nearly 60 percent of all marriages suffer from tension with mothers-in-law, normally between the daughter-in-law and her husband's mother. Somehow the stereotype of the nagging, meddling mother-in-law can seem like a normal part of life.

…nearly 60 percent of all marriages suffer from tension with mothers-in-law, normally between the daughter-in-law and her husband's mother.

Why so many misunderstandings? Dr. Peter A. Wish, former nationally syndicated columnist of The Family Experience, says that "often it's a matter of mothers not wanting to let go. The mother may not recognize her son as being an adult, and so she continues to treat him like a kid, even after he gets married and has a family of his own."
Clashes with your mother-in-law may actually intensify as you get older. "A 20-year-old woman may not be very confident about her own opinions, and if she has a mother-in-law who's been through 40 years of life and she says things ought to be done this way, it's harder to challenge her," says Dr. Everett Worthington, a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University with a special interest in the role of in-laws. "But by the time a woman is middle-aged, she's normally a well-established adult who has her own strong opinions and feels more confident to confront her mother-in-law head-on."
Obviously, in-law clashes are far from ideal. When you and your mother-in-law are on bad terms, the tension takes a big toll. Your spouse and children may feel they are caught in the middle and resent being forced to choose sides. Family get-togethers are strained. Your physical health and spiritual life may suffer.
"Mother-in-law battles can poison family life," Dr. Judith Sills, a family counselor in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, with a special interest in the role of in-laws. "It may start out as a feud between you and your mother-in-law, but before you know it, your husband, kids, father-in-law and other relatives are also drawn into the conflict."

There are thousands and thousands of articles written about MIL and DIL clashes - if I could do it over again, rules would have been set in place from day one . . .but from what I read in another article what they said is if the problems are still continuing with MIL's, the husband has allowed it to happen . . .I don't think you are doing your mother any favors by protecting her because if she had boundaries right from the beginning, it would be understood by her of how she needed to conduct herself and she wouldn't be hurt - and then the my anger and resentment wouldn't be building up to this level.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:09am
O.K. - STAY FOCUSED. When I say that, I mean do NOT lose sight of the MOST important thing here and that is YOUR relationship with your son and daughter-in-law! In this instance, let the old bitty do what she will without batting an eye (this will be a challenge, I know) but this is, and will forever be, one of the most exciting times of your son and DIL's lives and the LAST thing you want to do is to be remembered as dampening the occasion in any way for them. Put your wretched MIL out of mind and focus on your love for them because, after all, that is what really matters to you. If you let this woman get the best of you it *will* drive a wedge between you and the ones you love. Another option would be to sit down with your MIL and have a heart to heart about how she is making you feel. Could you do that? Have you been successful with any "heart to hearts" in the past? Maybe you should take it up directly with the source? That way, you don't risk jeopardizing your relationship with your son and DIL by possibly giving them the impression that your starting up any problems. Whatever you decide to do, keep your relationship with son and DIL sacred. Do not, do not, do not, allow your MIL to ruin that one for you. That would be the worst thing ever. Has your relationship with DIL been good up to this point? What is giving you the feeling that a wedge is coming between the two of you already?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:31am

Good advice - to answer your question, yes, I had a good relationship with my DIL before this all started - I mean, we have our differences in opinion, but we were respectful of each other's lives. . .and I think it's my fault that things are starting to deteriorate because I've vented to my DIL about my mother-in-law - and I think she didn't want to get in the middle of the fued I'm having with my MIL (understandably). I always tell her that I'm sorry to get her involved, but I guess I just need someone to be able to talk to; to vent . . .I've really made the decision to not talk to her about this anymore, but I think or feel that some damage has been done . . .and this is a separate issue, but my son and DIL recently forgot my birthday and then tried to tell me how they intended to put a card in the mail . . .and that they had tried to call me which really hurt because my husband checked the caller ID and found there was no record. And my son said he had this really awesome gift for me, yet, my birthday was two weeks ago, and there's been no attempt to get it to me. I don't think I'm going to get a gift afterall . . .I'm not into gifts, but I guess it's the thought that's clearly not there. I guess I have some DIL issues brewing too, but I back off and just let them live their lives. Meanwhile, my MIL is graduating college, and I put some real thought and care into her gift . . .and wonder why I did . ..

I do know that the most important thing is to cherish my relationship with my son and DIL and my upcoming grandchildren . . .but I do know that when your son marries, you give him away to his wife. And I've already braced myself because I know that my daughter-in-law will gravitate towards her mother with her baby - it's just a fact of life . . .all my friends have told me that they love their son's and daughter's children the same, but they can and are more closer to their daughter's children. So, I do accept that and will accept that when the baby is born.

I cannot accept that my grandchild will have a name that my mother-in-law chose though - if she really thought about it, she might understand how I would take offense to it - I was married before to another man, and my son isn't her blood relation . . .so I do find it extremely upsetting that she's naming my grandchild - and thought of a name that she could include her late husband. My father passed away two years ago, and it meant so much to me that my son would name his child after my father . . .but I guess I just have to suck it up and let them include my father-in-law also and hope that my girls will name one of their children after their grandfather.

I'm so ready to just write everyone off and move to Alaska - only kidding, but I am so fed up. I don't think it's good to live near your mother-in-law especially or your children when they grow up and start their own families.

O.K. - STAY FOCUSED. When I say that, I mean do NOT lose sight of the MOST important thing here and that is YOUR relationship with your son and daughter-in-law! In this instance, let the old bitty do what she will without batting an eye (this will be a challenge, I know) but this is, and will forever be, one of the most exciting times of your son and DIL's lives and the LAST thing you want to do is to be remembered as dampening the occasion in any way for them. Put your wretched MIL out of mind and focus on your love for them because, after all, that is what really matters to you. If you let this woman get the best of you it *will* drive a wedge between you and the ones you love. Another option would be to sit down with your MIL and have a heart to heart about how she is making you feel. Could you do that? Have you been successful with any "heart to hearts" in the past? Maybe you should take it up directly with the source? That way, you don't risk jeopardizing your relationship with your son and DIL by possibly giving them the impression that your starting up any problems. Whatever you decide to do, keep your relationship with son and DIL sacred. Do not, do not, do not, allow your MIL to ruin that one for you. That would be the worst thing ever. Has your relationship with DIL been good up to this point? What is giving you the feeling that a wedge is coming between the two of you already?

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:56am
Okay, a couple more suggestions. First, I would go to your Daughter-in-law and apologize for putting her in the middle. Tell her that you really love her and care about her (both of them) and that they mean the world to you and you are sorry. I think she would really appreciate that you reached out to her and I think it would mend any offences that might have occurred in the past. Secondly, I'm wondering if your son even knows that you feel so strongly about incorporating your father's name into one of your grandchildren's names? Was he close to your father as well? There are many ways that your father's name could be included - even if it turned out to be a girl (your father's last name in her middle name). I'm just curious if your son even knows that you feel so strongly about it and if so, what he has said. After the baby comes, I can offer you all the right advice for that time. My husbands step-mother (my MIL) did all the WRONG things and it practically tore us apart from them FOREVER. She was horrible and so from a DIL's perspective, I think I could really help shed some light on what to do or say to keep you two close. You're right about her closeness with her mother and that is a backseat you will have to come to grips with taking but just remember, that relationship does NOT diminish your relationship with her , your son, or your grandchild ONE BIT. It's just a different relationship altogether. The only way it could diminish yours is if you were offended by it. Remember, no matter what happens, you need to stay focused. Don't EVER, EVER lose sight of your goal - maintaining a close relationship with both of them. The birthday present thing....just forget it. I've done things like that before and truly there were no underlying causes except that I procrastinated for one reason or another. I think the best thing in the world is a parent who couldn't care less whether or not you remembered their birthday, mother's day, etc. It exudes unselfishness to the core. Try to do the same and hang in there.


Edited 4/12/2007 11:05 am ET by blessedwiththebest
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 11:15am

You are so right. I'm going to write to them and apologize . . .thanks for your advice. I am also going to take your advice about forgetting about my birthday - it's not important, I guess - I have to remember that everyone is not like me. I'm so good about remembering birthdays, taking time to think of a perfect gift for people and really putting my all into a gift - not everyone is like me.

I think my son kind of knows how much it would mean to me to have him name his son after my father. We talked about it after my father passed away . . .so when my DIL mentioned that they were trying to think of names for both my father and my father-in-law, I was really disappointed. As I told you, my father-in-law isn't blood related . . .and my brother and sister-in-law already named their baby after my father-in-law - so, he's already been honored in that way, and my father has not. But I can deal with it - I loved my FIL, and I've let go of the hurt that my father wouldn't solely be named . . .it's just when my MIL took it upon herself to name my grandchild . . .I really took offense to it.

I also have come to grips that I have to take a backseat in being a grandmother because my DIL has a mother who will be more involved than I will. See, I do ask advice from friends and learn because I want to know everything and try to be the best MIL I can . . .

I hope that by the time my grandchild is born, everything will be resolved - that I can improve my ways and that my mother-in-law will give me space with my grandchild . . .

My husband is going to have a little talk with my MIL about boundaries and respect, so hopefully she won't cry and just learn to be respectful and give us the privacy and space we need as a family. I don't ever think it will be a perfect situation, but we need to take a step into a new direction . . .

You've been very helpful, and if you have more advice, I'm all ears . . .

Okay, a couple more suggestions. First, I would go to your Daughter-in-law and apologize for putting her in the middle. Tell her that you really love her and care about her (both of them) and that they mean the world to you and you are sorry. I think she would really appreciate that you reached out to her and I think it would mend any offences that might have occurred in the past. Secondly, I'm wondering if your son even knows that you feel so strongly about incorporating your father's name into one of your grandchildren's names? Was he close to your father as well? There are many ways that your father's name could be included - even if it turned out to be a girl (your father's last name in her middle name). I'm just curious if your son even knows that you feel so strongly about it and if so, what he has said. After the baby comes, I can offer you all the right advice for there. My husbands step-mother (my MIL) did all the WRONG things and it practically tore us apart from them FOREVER. She was horrible and so from a DIL's perspective, I think I could really help shed some light on what to do or say to keep you two close. You're right about her closeness with her mother and that is a backseat you will have to come to grips with taking but just remember, that relationship does NOT diminish your relationship with her , your son, or your grandchild ONE BIT. It's just a different relationship altogether. The only way it could diminish yours is if you were offended by it. Remember, no matter what happens, you need to stay focused. Don't EVER, EVER lose sight of your goal - maintaining a close relationship with both of them. The birthday present thing....just forget it. I've done things like that before and truly there were no underlying causes except that I procrastinated for one reason or another. I think the best thing in the world is a parent who couldn't care less whether or not you remembered their birthday, mother's day, etc. It exudes unselfishness to the core. Try to do the same and hang in there.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

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