mother-in-law screwed me over

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
mother-in-law screwed me over
17
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:26pm
The day before I married her son I realized that my mother-in-law hated me. She is Baptist and I Catholic and she saw me drinking a margarita. Things were never the same. We tolerated each other but were never close. Then I got pregnant, she pretended to be interested in how I was but I soon found out it was a lie. The night my son was born I had to have an emergency C-Section. I was put to sleep, and when I woke I found out I had a son. We chose not to know the sex of the baby and had to go through IVF to even conceive so I was dissapointed to say the lease not to share the experience of giving birth with my husband. After I asked him for details about the first time he saw our son and held him etc... he confessed that his "Mama" Yes this is what he calls her asked him if she could hold Sam. My husban said No Mama I don't think that would be a good idea, " To chich she replied, "I won't tell if you won't Son (yes this is what she calls him), it will be our little secret." Needless to say I was devastated. I cannot forgive her for what she did. I tried but she still treats me as if I am not in the room when I am around her. She has no respect for me at all! This is causing a tremendous stain on my marriage. I am very close with my parents and always have been. My husband does not understand the severity of what she has done to me.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:20pm

Honey, I have known a lot of people who had C/S and while you might have missed having a vaginal birth, please try to concentrate on the fact that you have your baby. I will bet he is a sweet, beautiful child, too. However, you should have been allowed to hold him before your MIL.

Did he allow her to hold him? If so, he should be ashamed. Very ashamed.

Stand up to her. Let her know that you are the mother of the baby and you are the wife and that she is not treat you as if you don't exist. Tell her being sneaky won't get her on your good side. How selfish to hold (or try to hold) your baby before you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:29pm
These kind of situations are so hard because we take things incredibly personal. I would be beyond pissed if my mother in law held one of my children before I did. But, don't let it be a constant tug at your heart. In the end, it is not worth it. Your bond with your child is something that no one can come between. Your husband will always get a little defensive when you say negative comments about his mother. You will likely hear him defend her a lot. It is probably better to vent to a friend, or like you did here. I do think that you need to tell your husband what you expect from him as a husband. Like, he MUST defend you when and if your mother ever speaks negatively about you. NO MATTER WHAT! When she realizes that being negative towards you may hurt her relationship with her son and grandchild, maybe (just maybe) she will ease up. You would be surprised at how many people I know that have horrible relationships with their in-laws. I have had lots of problems myself. I hope that your marriage is strong enough to overcome it. I have been married for 15 years, and my husband does see things a little clearer now. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 8:40pm
There are some MIL that are not from hell. When my son told me they were expecting, I was happy. They had no transportastion. Soooo I took her to EVERY Dr. appt. every single one. I paid for parking. I paid for gas. It was about a 50 mile round trip for me. So when the big day came, I was in for a shock. First she called and said if I couldn't take her, her dad was there and could do it. He lives out of state and had no interest in her or baby for the entire time. I said thats okay I've gone this far I'm not backing out now. When we got to hospital she then told me that she wanted her Dad to be the first one to see baby. Of course my son was in the room when baby was born. So anyway when baby made appearence I was practically knock down by her Dad and HIS GIRLFRIEND. I went in to see baby and left so Dad could spend time with her. Only to find out later he left right after me. I told my son after they split-up what happened he was furious. To say I was hurt was putting it mildly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 1:12am

Hi Eightiesgirl73, welcome!

It sounds like your husband hasn't cut the apron strings yet with his Mommy. Is there a reason why he hasn't?

Until your DH sticks up for you and your MIL learns to respect you and at least be civil towards you, I see no reason for you or your baby to be around your MIL.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:10pm
I believe you may be overreacting just a bit. Did you actually want your husband to say "Nobody touches this child until she wakes up!!"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:49pm
I don't think you are overreacting a bit. I have a MIL who was the same way. My DH finally stood up to her and told her she would not be welcome if she did not show us the same respect that she has been given. We don't see her much and that is fine. But at least now when we do, she is cordial and not talking over and around me and my FB.
Addison and Tindall Siggy
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:40pm
I cannot believe you said that. Why SHOULDN'T the mother of the child hold her baby before the grandmother? Why couldn't MIL wait? And the sneakiness of it makes me want to puke.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:29am

>Did you actually want your husband to say "Nobody touches this child until she wakes up!!"?<

You betcha I did, when my youngest dd was born she was a ER c-section and besides the DR, nurses & dh no one else got to touch her until I was awake, and I do MEAN NO ONE. NOT EVEN MY MOTHER, who was there at the hospital. So, this DH/MIL were both out of line.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:24pm

Hey there!

Catrina now
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 11:12am

I can understand how hurtful that must have been for you. To be fair to your MIL, she probably really did not mean to usurp you, or really think through the implications of what she was asking. She was probably just excited at seeing her grandchild and wanted to hold him: I probably would have wanted to as well, in her position. And yes, your DH probably should have been firmer with her.

But really, did DH or your MIL really really mean to hurt you, do you think? They were thoughtless, and it did hurt, but I am sure they did not mean to hurt you: they were just excited about the baby. I think you need to try and find it in your heart to forgive your DH and your MIL: you need to make sure they understand why they were wrong, and try and get an apology from them, but then you need to accept that apology, forgive them, and move on. You can't keep lugging around all that hurt and resentment, that's just damaging your relationship with your DH and your MIL, and, more importantly, your baby's relationship with DH and MIL. At the end of the day, your baby is the most important thing, and its best for them if they have a good, loving relationship with their grandparents, which is going to be hard if you are still mad.

So, take a deep breath, and do the right thing, and let it go, if you can. Don't let what she did have such a hold over you, she doesn't deserve that kind of power over you and your feelings. And *talk* to your DH about how you feel about this. Get his support.

*hugs* and enjoy your little one, that's the most important thing,

Kirsty

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