Mother-In-Laws point of view
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| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 7:48pm |
As a Mother-in-law, I resent that the media continues to make it sound like all of us are evil, especially the mothers of their husbands. You never hear the men having so much time applied to their spouse's parents. We only offer advise when asked. Both my husband and I try very hard to stay neutral and always, when asked, suggest that they make their own decisions and do whatever will make them happy. We do make ourselves available to babysit whenever possible to spend time with the grandkids.
However, the wives are never far from her parents and their mommies and daddies can never leave them alone. Instead of putting their husbands ideas to work they have to clear it with daddy or mommy to make sure that it's OK or the right thing to do when making repairs on the house or car or even with the children. They are always "daddy's little girl" but it's consider weird for a son to call his parents. And when it comes to holidays guess which family comes first! By constantly making his parents the bad guys it justifies them to spend the least amount of time with them, except when they need something and their parents won't help. Every parent I know that has sons have told me that when your son marries you practically never see them because their wife's family will always come first. I thought, not our sons, we have always been close. Yes, they were right. When we passed this info to parents with sons they also felt the same about their families and then I got the call that they too have the same situation. Some a lot worse and I feel sorry for them.

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No one here said all MILs and other ILS are evil. On the contrary. I also know of a situation where the former DIL is just plain rotten and won't allow the GPs to see the kids. Their son is in Iraq. It is messed up.
However, here is my story. From the DIL:
We live 1000 miles from my mother. (Dad is deceased) My inlaws all live in the same state, expect for one sister. My husband is the youngest of 12. I am as far from being a mama's girl as they come. I get no holidays to call my own. My inlaws seem to be more important and get them all. I have not spent Christmas with my family since 2000. My mother did come to visit in 2004 and graciously attended the IL's Christmas event with us.
I am merely the wife. I am not supposed to have an opinion, thoughts, and I certainly have no skills to be a good wife or mother. I am stupid because I come from Kentucky and could never be up on the same level as my husband's faaaamily. I am supposed to be Betty Crocker, June Cleaver and god knows what other perfect wifey-poo, all rolled up into one. I am not really "family", as we spouses are never in the family photos at Christmas, and even though I stood on my feet for TWO days, helping cook for my Inlaw's 50th wedding anniversary party, a week after a miscarriage, I was never even thanked. Nope. The thanks were given to my husband and his siblings, who with their parents, went to dinner and excluded the spouses the night before the anniversary party. Yep. Excluded. Niiice, huh?
When my aunt and grandfather died within 2 months of each other, (we lived near my family then) I received not one phone call or card. Not one. When we had our third child, he was barely acknowleged, yet a year later, DH's neice has her FOURTH child and she got a big shower.
We plan to move back to my mom's area. Not because I am a mama's girl. But, because I am all she has. She is getting older and quite frankly, my husband has 11 siblings. Of course they are not liking the fact that we are daring to go live close to my mom. I don't really care. My mom and my disabled niece who lives with her, will come before his family. My husband agrees with it as well. He sees that he has 11 other siblings, while I am basically an only child. (sister is gone and we don't know where~my brother is selfish and wouldn't help my mom for anything.)
You sound like you are trying to be fair and are only venting. Vent away. But know that you are doing the right thing by keeping your mouth closed about their lives. One day you will be appreciated, trust me.
My story isn't HALF as bad as some on here. Stick around and you will see some really evil stories. You will find that not all DILs are bad, either.
Ok, I've had two Wicked Witches of MILs~~and I've learned HOW not to be with my 3 SIL's. I've put up with so much from the two of these ladies (first one interfered in my mother's estate when she passed away)The other one wants me to not invite my children to my house for holidays so it can be "only her family" come on, get real. She tells me what I'm to cook at my house and how I should decorate my house, excuse me I'm 49 years old, I work 2 jobs~~I know what I'm doing I don't need import for her. I would love to spend a holiday with just my grandchildren, but I have to spend with them with her. She is the last of our remaining parent alive, and she is turning into a giant PITA.
I don't tell my dd's or sil how to live their lives, I only invite them to our place for the holidays I don't demand that they come (nor do I guilt trip them~~like some MIL I have do) I've closed the bank of mom. I do offered the baby sitting services of grandma sam to them. And I don't tell how to raise their kids either. I also don't demand that they take their vacation with us either.
~Sam
I am a huge lurker, none of my problems are as bad as any of yours.
I have 3 sons. I have learned from the best how NOT to act. I hope that by not being like my inlaws, my sons and future DILs will want to be around us. I vow to do my very best to treat my DILs like they should be treated, no matter what.
I will never disparage my son's spouses and will never ever act like I come before them. I will remember that the DIL has an extended family too, and no whining about "fair" will ever leave my lips. I will not interfere in their marriages. I will sit on my lips to avoid giving unsolicited parenting advice, unless asked. I will be there to help take care of my grandchildren if needed and asked. I will have a life that will not revolve around the last visit from the son/wife and grandkids.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!
I am a DIL with 2 daughters but, my MIL raised 2 sons. MIL's older son is divorced with a son of his own and limits his time with her. My DH puts up with own mother because he feels he has to. MIL seems kind and generous but, she has a very controlling side to her. I have invited the IL's numerous times to spend most holidays and for weekends (we live 2.5 hrs away) and my own family lives out-of-state. No matter how many times I have been polite and courteous to MIL she continually hurts my feelings with unnecessary comments usually when her son is out of the room. My FIL seems to be the opposite of her, very quiet. I also think FIL is embarrassed by MIL's behavior. When I allowed my 2 daughters (from another marriage) to visit her for Spring vacation (at MIL's request), I found out that MIL was commenting to my oldest daugter about how I should get a job. She also questions my daughter about if her son and I are getting along, and basically uses the visit to gain info. on her DS and I. I use to talk with her openly until I realized that she would use me for her own personal agenda.
Now, she has the gall to ask us if she can go camping with us in our brand new tent. We haven't even used our 6 person tent yet or camped on our own as a family. This will be a new experience for us and she wants to be included. And what is with the self-inclusion without waiting for an invitation. I'm sorry but, the reason MIL's are portrayed the way they are is because there are so many who can't allow their grown children to have lives of their own. If you type in the word "mother-in-law" on a search engine you will see that there are many message boards such as this one for frustrated DIL's to vent. They are venting for a reason.
I don't know if you had the perfect MIL or didn't have to deal with one but, as a DIL it is difficult enough to raise a family and be a wife without having to deal with MIL's opinion on how you should do it. If you truly do not give unsolicitated advice then more power to you. Maybe you happen to be that rare and perfect MIL that us DIL's only dream about and you really don't deserve to be excluded. If so, then I hope that your DIL will realize how fortunate she is because there are a lot of us out here who are not.
LittleMama4Two
P.S. No it didn't escape my attention that the poster went by the name of happycampingmom.
Maybe this is my own MIL posting. LOL
i agree with you on all points, especially the part about the other sibs/step-sibs getting married and having families of their own ... maybe that is key, and will take the pressure off of the ONE child that does have a family.
i've obviously heard the saying before ("a daughter is a daughter for life ...), and i think that many IL issues (especially MIL issues) have to do with the mother-son bond and the mother not being the #1 woman in her "little boy's" eyes anymore (especially if he is an only child or there are only boys in the family). that is basically the problem with MY MIL ... she has never acknowledged or accepted me, and soon after my husband and i married we moved away, and she basically wrote us off ... good riddance! she calls my husband every 4 or 5 months, we see her maybe once a year, and that's it. my husband is fine with it, since we have ALWAYS had the door open and the ball has been in her court. he held out hope for awhile that she would change (i.e "once we're married, once we have a baby," etc etc) but once we had our daughter (16 months ago) and she hadn't changed one bit, he came to accept the reality of our situation with her.
but i also think that IL issues have a lot to do with selfishness and expectation. our main IL problem (as if the MIL problem isn't enough!) is with my husband's ADOPTIVE father (he married my husband's mother and adopoted my husband, then ran off with another woman, who is now his wife, a few years later.) he is always reminding my husband how "lucky" he is that he adopted him and that he became his "father." (huh? he ran off a few years later with another woman, and played very little role in my husband's life thereafter). the step MIL is even worse, because she's never had children of her own (because husband didn't want any more) and i guess thought that once we had children, she would get to mommy them! worse yet, not only are my husband's half siblings (brother and sister) nowhere near marrying, but they don't really have a great relationship with their bio father (my husband's adopted father) either, so even more pressure is put on US!
if people would DROP the expectations and demands and just let people be,EXTENDED FAMILY relationships would go a lot more smoothly. as you mentioned, that is why we are so close to MY family ... because there are no expectations and demands and they RESPECT the boundaries we have set for our family (and my mother and father treat my SIL and brother the SAME WAY as us!)
>No matter how many times I have been polite and courteous to MIL she continually hurts my feelings with unnecessary comments usually when her son is out of the room.<
Mine does that too~~except she attacked me once in front of BIL and I had a witness and I had her. I try not to be along with her anymore. I will follow my dh outside to help him or sit in the front room either watching tv or knitting or doing cross stitching. And lucky me working all summer long (starting today every Friday,Saturday & Sundays from today until the end of October)
~Sam
Happycampingmom,
I agree with your comments that it isn't easy for the mother-in-law either. I know for myself that I have to bite my tongue so often to not complain once in awhile to my own mom about my problems with DH and it's unfair that it would be okay for me as a daughter to talk about our relationship but God forbid that my DH do the same with his family (which he never has, to my knowledge.)
The media just does a terrific job at telling people just how their role in society should be and how if they deviate from this role at all then they are abnormal freaks who should be shipped off to some remote island. I get really sick of stereotypes in our society, and I don't think it's fair that people have to suffer because of them. I can be honest when I say that when I married my DH, I didn't think I would have any problem liking my MIL or her liking me, but only after I really got to know her personality, did I see that she could be quite difficult to get along with, however, things aren't that bad, and I'm glad that I know the woman who brought my sweet DH into this world :). I mean, I think it's good for people to have people skills and know how to deal graciously with extended family, coworkers, the teenager at the drive-thru, etc., but stereotypes on what a marriage should and shouldn't be, and how certain people are evil just because of who they are, it just isn't fair...and it helps no one!
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