Mother - son relationship boundaries
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Mother - son relationship boundaries
| Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:32am |
I just wanted some opinions on whether my husband and MIL's relationship is normal.
I'm concerned they've become too close; not in an incestuous way or anything like that, but not really what I'd expect from a mother - son relationship.
She has two other sons, and they are both very dependant on her. So much so, that I've often felt sorry for their wives, because it must feel like there are three people in their marriage. She declares love on facebook at least once a week, more than their wives do, and she is the one they turn to if they are upset about anything.
The apron strings are firmly in tact, and I think she cultivates that by babying them.
Up until recently, I thanked my lucky stars that my husband wasn't as close or as dependent on her as his brothers, but I'm worried things are changing.
Me and my husband often use each other's mobile, and know each other's FB passwords etc, and lately I've seen lots of messages between him and MIL. Almost all of them end with "Love you xxxx" etc etc, and he shares all his private thoughts with her, as much as he does with me.
I think, all in all, he tells her he loves her around as many times as he tells me he loves me, if not more. I don't think that's normal.
She's also started to post love declarations on his FB wall, and as she has a different surname to him, people won't know she's his mother. She posts things like "I love you my darling", which could lead people to ask questions about my marriage. There is no indication she is his mother.
Maybe I would be better off not caring what people think, but I do care when it comes to my marriage, which I am very proud of.
I really feel she needs to keep her sons close to her, and that she acts like a wife rather than a mother by ensuring she is the first one they turn to, and making public declations of love. It feels like she's playing a subtle power / possessive game, instead of taking a step back and letting them be independent.
I can see her doing the same with my husband now; ensnaring him (I know that's dramatic, but it feels like that to me)
The thing is that my hubby still insists he's not close to her, because she didn't bring him up. She brought his brothers up, and my husband uses his brothers ultra close relationship with her as a comparison with his. I have tried to tell him that their relationship with their mother is not normal, and that he is already closer than other people are to their mothers.
The only thing I can assume is that he doesn't necessarily realise what close is when it comes to a mother - son relationship. How much closer could he get than telling her everything, and expressing love on almost every text or FB message? If he doesn't think that's a close relationship, then what would be?
Will they become even closer?
It could just be me, but I only tell my parents I love them occasionally, not every time I message or text them, and I certainly don't involve them in every problem I have and run to them every time I'm down. I know they will always be there for me, but I generally deal with things together with my husband.
Does this seem odd to anyone else, or is it just me having a case of MIL paranoia?
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I agree with you that somethings seems "off" here.
Part of the problem, I suspect, is that your H is using his brothers' and mom's relationships to measure against, and it sounds like those relationships are seriously dysfunctional. And even "less dysfunctional" is still dysfunctional, kwim?
Plus, I'm also suspicious of families who use public forums (like FB) to push very personal agendas. No one wants to read daily interactions of "love ya" . . . "no LUV ya more!" . . . kissy, kissy, kissy . . . between parents and grown children on public forums. It smacks of desparation and attention getting behavior, and I believe me everyone that reads these things is thinking "phoney, phoney, phoney"
If I were you, I would make sure to point out to your H that his relationship with his mother is starting to mimic the dysfunction he see's with his brothers. Suggest he start comparing his relationship with other people's relationships with thier mothers (and not use his brother's as his only examples).
Chimi
Take a close look & she if your DH's responses are just automatic. You could be right to worry or you may be over the top on this.
Dee