My husband is intimidated by his family
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| Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:53pm |
hello everyone out there,
Your input is greatly appreciated!
My husband's family do not speak to me because, i am outspoken. When they cross boundaries i don't hesitate to nip it in the bud. If you give them an inch they will take a mile and then some.
when they call our house, their message goes something like this: Hello mark this is your mother or father. I want to know if you are ok please call us. It's never oh mark how are you and your wife doing. My husband and I just had our first anniversary and not one member of his family called to congratulate him on his anniversary. But now in the month of June his siblings birthdays are approaching and all of a sudden they're calling him now.
They are the first to be self rightous and tell you oh our family doesn't keep grudges, yet they haven't spoken to me for 1 year now. But they constantly call my house phone and leave messages for my husband. They don't acknowledge me in anyway. And my husband would talk to them on the phone like nothings wrong at all. And when i speak to him about it, he gets angry at me. I say to my DH how can you laugh and talk with them when you know that they disrespect me. I asked him why didn't you ask them why no one called to congratulate him on our anniversary. He became so upset and told me that when i tell him stuff like that i make him feel less of a man and he suggested to me that maybe he should leave. I said to him, hey whenever you decide you want to leave, i will support your decision. I called his bluff. I'm not going to fall for that little tactic. Then he told me oh i don't want to leave. So i told him well those words shouldn't have even come out of your mouth in the first place. Then he told me that he was angry at the situation. Then i told him you are letting out your anger on the wrong person - ME.
I told him that instead of getting angry at me and saying mean things to me. He should focus on trying to keep us strong as a couple. Because when he thinks negatively or gets defensive, he is only letting them win.

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Dan and I have been married 8 1/2 years. Not once has anyone called and told us happy anniversary. Nor do I think they should be obligated to.
I'd like to hear more specific examples of his parents disrespect and mistreatment of you. If no phone call on your aniversary is all you've got, I know it sounds rude, but you're being petty and I wonder if maybe they simply aren't just naturally reacting to feelings of you being mean and unwelcoming towards them.
Edited 6/15/2006 7:53 pm ET by dansfoxywife
Hi Dansfoxywife,
I have certainly not been mean, petty, or unwelcoming to my inlaws at anytime ever. i've always been very open, and honest in all of my interactions with them. Before my husband and i married we were together for 6 1/2 years. His family were not a problem during those 6yrs at all. They all smiled in my face, and told me everyday "oh you are so good for my son." But when we told them that we were finally going to get married, their reply was oh ok just know that you and him will have to pay for the wedding yourselves. We were both shocked because we weren't asking them for anything at all. we were just telling them of our plans to get married. We had never asked them for any help at any time at all, and it was shocking to the both of us when those were the first words to come out of his parents mouth.
Then his parents told us that they wanted to be informed of all of our wedding plans. So we told them that we had planned to have a destination wedding, small and discrete just family, and we could all just think of it as a mini vacation. Then his father turned to me and said "you are not being fair to me, I have people who i would like to invite to my sons wedding and when you guys go away then I can't invite my friends." So we asked him what he wanted, then he said that he wanted us to have the wedding in NY. We told him that we didn't want to do that because its too expensive, because we also wanted to put money aside to buy a house. Then he told us that he would pay for his additional 55 guests.
From the day my husbands father gave him that check for his 55 guests who also brought along dates, they've been giving me the cold shoulder. I don't understand why his parents should be mad at me. They were always included in our plans. They told us that they weren't going to give any money for the wedding, yet they wanted to add 55 guests to the guest list which they wanted us to pay for. And because my husband told them that we couldn't pay for all of those people in addition to the other wedding costs, then and only then did his father say oh he'd pay for his people. Then after that i got an email from my brother in law of a picture of a woman being slapped with a shoe in the face repeatedly by a man. So i called and asked what was the significance of the email. I asked if it was a threat, and my husband's father told me that it sounded like a threat, and from that day no one called to apologize or say anything at all.
Then 2 months later the entire family was invited to someone else's wedding. We were all seated together at a table and when the grooms mother gave a toast to her son- she said, "Today i haven't lost my son, i've gained a daughter." Then my father in law turned to his wife in my presence and said under his breath, "we don't gain daughters." Then his daughter turned to him and said oh daddy when i get married i won't spend your money. Then i said i didn't spend anyones money, and my mother in law snapped. Then i said oh i'm not nice now, but when you asked me to drive your daughter to the mall and then you begged me to pay the $600 bill you thought i was nice person. Then my father in law said then you need to keep doing that treating us.
I was disgusted by it all. I'm not buying anyones approval or love. I was shocked by what he said because all of this time i thought that they liked me. But they only liked me for what they could get from me. So now they don't say A B OR C to me. They only acknowledge their son. Then in the same breath they tell others that they don't hold grudges.
when something comes up i tell my husband that he should tell them about their behavior. He tells me he would tell them and when the time comes up he tells me that he forgot and gets angry at me for reminding him. I told him that instead of taking out his anger on me. He needs to maintain a strong relationship with me because i'm not the antagonist here. I told him that i don't mind that he has a relationship with his parents. But i will not be disrespected with underhanded comments, or implied threats via email.
Thank you for painting a more vivid picture. That's why I asked, because there are genuine causes for complaint and it appears you have it in spades!!
It's odd that they would change so much after the wedding. Do you now think they were just putting on a show hoping to bide their time, hoping that it wouldn't last? That must have been so hurtful for them to turn on you. Have you ever tried to politely and non accusitory tone talk with your MIL about the relationship that went bad? If they're religious at all, have you put their faith in their face about them butting out and about your husband "cleaving" to his wife, and leaving his mother and father?
WOW! Did you guys give him back his check for his people and keep your destination wedding?
I hope so! After all the wedding is for you and dh who cares if it is fair to the ils? and you paid a 600 mall trip for their kid? They should be grateful!
I can't believe they said you should KEEP doing that what nerve!
I hope you kept that threatening email. You may need it down the road. A lot of people who have il trouble will tell you the same. I wish I had kept the letters from my exmil. Keep that and document times and dates of any nasty interaction just to cover your tuckus down the road.
Right now though you have more of a DH problem than an IL problem. When that gets better the IL problem won't be better but it will be lessened in some ways. Have you guys been to counseling?
Have you read Toxic In laws? If not you may want to and dh can read Toxic Parents
(HUG)
Edited 6/16/2006 6:26 pm ET by arianhodsilver
Hi Dansfoxy Wife,
Yes, I have attempted to speak to my MIL on the telephone, but she was not open to listening at all. She dominated the conversation with name calling and accusations, and when i responded she blurted out "oh drama drama drama drama," AND i could hear her daughter laughing in the background.
When a person is not open to listening, no matter what you say it just goes over their head. She was consumed with anger. It was almost like the anger made her feel empowered. I can only do so much. It takes two to tango. If a person cannot be open minded to reason, then its no sense of me going to them again and again.
MY ILs want me to do what they say when they say. If they say jump, i must only ask how high. They want to tell me whatever they feel like, and i must only smile. I must not think with my own brain, or have an opinion of my own. ITS ALMOST LIKE BEING ON STAR TREK WITH THE CYBORGS. ON STAR TREK, IF YOU DO NOT ASSIMILATE WITH THE CYBORGS AND HAVE THE SAME THINKING AS THE OTHER CYBORGS, YOU ARE ELIMINATED!
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE: My DH told his mother that i was completing my bachelors degree in nursing, and her response to him was "what does she have to go to school for again - Next before you know it she's going to go back to school to be a doctor. School school school thats all she knows why doesn't she try to have a baby for you."
My MIL would like if my DH tells her every detail about our relationship, we are allowed no privacy. My DH says that she just wants stuff to put in her gossip mill, and he refused to participate. And we told her very calmly that certain things are just private between husband and wife. AND SHE DID NOT LIKE THAT.
Its almost like she wants me to be like her. She wants me to drink beer, and other alcoholic beverages sit in the sofa and look at talk shows "Jerry Springer", and "Laura" Her husband disrespects her with sarcastic remarks everyday regardless of who is around. He blurts out whatever he feels and insults her, and she just sits there. Then her husband attempts to do the same thing to me, and she justs says oh he's so chauvanistic dear. Her husband went to college, and he doesn't help her to improve herself. Instead he just pokes fun at her and says "so when are you going to learn to speak english properly".
My parents have always told me that America is the land of opportunity, so why shouldn't i want to advance and improve so that i can provide a decent living for myself and my family? Why should i have to share the same opinions as my inlaws?
Hi Arianhodsilver,
Thank you for the hug and the book that you suggestd. I will certainly read it and share it with my husband.
Unfortunately, we didn't have the destination wedding. We had the wedding in NY and we did take the check for the 55 additional guests that my father in law added to the guest list- afterall, it was his choice to increase our guest list, and we told him that we could pay for those additional 55 guests in addition to the other wedding costs. His father had a choice, he could have reduced the number, or he could have simply let us do what we wanted without him trying to dominate and tell us what to do. It was his choice. And when he had to pay for his bill, he got mad and then started being spiteful.
In retrospect, if we knew that the ILS were going to behave in this manner, We would have stuck to our original plan. Unfortunately, we would have got the short end of the stick either way. Anyway it is a lesson learned!
I thank you once again
She is jealous of you. Your DH, her son, treats you with more respect and adoration than her own husband treats her, correct? She then tries to undermine and halt that. Very sad and pathetic.
I heard once that sometimes men with dictatory type mothers will often choose for a wife a woman who will stand up to her, someone with the 'balls' to stand up to her when/if he doesn't. (I'm reminded of the t.v. show Everybody Loves Raymond)
I think so long as your husband remembers that you are his wife and that you two as a united team trump mommydearest, then you'll be okay. Annoyed and frustrated, but okay. Minimal contact, and cordial politeness given to strangers is at least called for. You want to show that you have class. That you are the better woman. Just you wait, I bet if you keep your cool and kill her with kindness even her own husband will eventually start getting on her about not measuring up to YOU.
Oh my god!
Your inlaws sound exactly like mine, the phone messages and all! My inlaws call and say the same thing. Its clear the message is for my husband alone. They call while we are driving and he says WE are going somewhere so they just continue to talk like he's alone.
I think you are correct, both our guys are intimidated by their families. I finally had enough a few weeks ago and said I"m not a part time wife. Either I am acknowledged by EVERYONE (his family) or I"m done.
Mine gets xmas cards addressed to him only, and the "how are you doing" on tbe phone is for him alone. We have been married for nearly 7 years. Are you ready for this, the anniversary card is addressed ONLY to him. What a contradiction, huh?
I dont understand why guys dont want to stick up for their spouses when it comes to their families.
I do kmow that when he's around them, he changes drastically. We are going to visit them for the first time in 7 years and he is just now telling them we are staying at a hotel, before we leave.
GOod luck,
Angelique
how similar our situations are...
Me and FH have went through nearly exactly the same experience, word for word. only now I fear my situation is far beyond yours, in that it is irreparable.
Let us know how it goes!!
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