My MIL pretends I don't exist

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
My MIL pretends I don't exist
12
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:31pm
Hello All
I'm really just looking for advice. I've been married for six months now, and the longer we're married the worse things become with my MIL. I'm use to my parents letting me and my siblings be very independant, and only coming to our aid should we ask for it. We have very good boundries setup and my parents abide by them. MIL doesn't, and it's her way or no way and she has no problem telling my dh off when she dosen't get her way. She won't call our house to speak with my husband, rather she emails him or calls him at work to tell him that she feels like she dosent have a son anymore cause he hasn't visited her. She treats me and my dh like we are still in university and need a hand out or her help to do anything. She never speaks to me directly, and when dh isn't in the room she ignores me or tries to do everything I'm doing (ie I'll be cooking supper and she will start telling me what he likes and doesn't like).
During our wedding phase, bridal showers etc., she expressed her desire for grand children. Even telling me infront of my mom, "You don't need to go on a honeymoon just get pregnant." I tried laughing it off the first time, but from subsequent comments I have realised that she wants me to be pregnant now. I've only been working at my full time Job for a year and I have been working really hard to get where I am. I have a degree in engineering and the job I have is in a man's world. Getting pregnant now isn't going to further my career. DH and I have discussed children, and we are on the same page (after our 3rd anniversary we're going to try). We have told her this, and she is po'd. At the last family gathering, she didn't even say hello and proceded to play with her niece and nephew's children. She wouldn't even put them down to eat, she kept giving them candy and pens. The parents were unhappy with her, and it's some family joke "to not let C!@#$ have your kids for the night." At the same party (10.12.2006) there was a Santa, supposed to be for the 2-8 year olds, that gave out presents and candy canes to the kids. To our surprise MIL had given Santa presents for me and dh, and we had to sit on his lap and tell him that we had been good boy/girl and what we wanted for Christmas. I know it sounds sweet, but being the only 30 something in the room (all the cousins are the same age and we are the ones with out kids) that had to sit on Santa's lap was not my idea of fun.
We can't get her to treat us like adults, she speaks of dh like he is 10. We can't get her to stop trying to control what we're doing. She is driving me nuts. My dh has spoken to her, he has told her countless times that he is an adult and she needs to treat him as such. It works for a few weeks and then she just starts again. She complains that we don't drive down enough, and that she dosent see him enough. DH tell's her that we have our own lives and that we will visit when it's right for us. He has told her that I am the most important thing in his life. She didn't take that well. It's starting to become very frustrating. We try to visit as often as we can, and we attend all the family functions. She is very jealous that my parents live in the same town as us and has said as much. They live 1.5 hours away. We've tried ignoring her behaviour, and the rude email's she sends or the nasty voice mail she leaves him. My dh has tried talking to her, she just says "You'll feel the same when you have kids, you'll always want to protect them and take care of them."
Anyone have any ideas?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 10:40am

Muphie,


I agree with the previous post on the manipulation in the MIL email. My suggestion? Don't respond to it. Put it away and let it drop. The only thing you and your husband have "done wrong" is stand up for yourselves. Manipulators don't like that and they lash out again in a different way (in this case by bringing up your parents). That's why it's best to let it go. If you keep responding point-by-point you'll be drawn right back into her games. That's what she wants. If you don't respond you don't give her anything to give back.


As for establishing contact times and visits, I'd let that lie for a while. You can set boundaries with your In-laws by specifically deciding not to answer the phone every time they call and by picking the day or time you want to visit them. Be prepared with one alternate date in mind so they can't play the "oh that's a bad day for us routine." If the alternate date doesn't work put another boundary in place by saying "Well, we'll have to catch you another time. We'll talk about that then." And don't talk any further about it.


You see, with this kind of person you have to set the boundaries and be strong enough to say no and keep saying no. Your MIL may never "get it" the way you want her to, but that's not your problem, it's hers (and your FILs').


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 7:11pm

Hello All
Thank You for all the advice. I don't know if I can express how much it has helped my and my husband. We aren't going to respond to all the points, or give into her games. I do feel very lucky to have a DH that stands up for us, and what we want.
I hope that you all have a very happy holiday season. And Many happy returns from both of us.

Muphie

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