My mom is the trouble!
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| Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:04pm |
Hello,
I'm new here, but I've posted on other boards. I just remarried two months ago. I was married 18 years, divorced for a year in between.
My first marriage ended for personal reasons not having to do with my mom specifically, but she definitely impacted it now that I can step back and see. My X-dh was always saying how I chose my family over him, and I never saw it, but I was. The marriage would have ended anyway, but my family issues did not help. I was unfair to him, and sorry for it.
My mom is very controlling and manipulative, and my dad is passive and goes along with everything just to keep her quiet. I'm that way, too, for the most part. If she's happy, the rest of the family is too. Sometimes it's too easy to give in, just for the peace. Extended family does the same, too, or they avoid her.
She is doing the same things in my new marriage. She demands that my new DH and I come for dinner, or buy the car she thinks we should have, and when we moved 15 miles away, she was livid and cried and wailed and screamed right in my face. It was horrible.
I don't want my new marriage to have problems with her. My new DH is a doll to me, gentle and loving, but her outbursts and demands are too much for him/us. He avoids her, and I don't blame him. I've had to take his side (gladly, don't get me wrong!) to her, and since this is new behavior on my part, she is very surprised and shaken to see me defend him or take his side. Nobody dares do that to her.
I admit what I did to my X-DH was wrong, and have taken active steps with my new DH to take his side, but honestly, what do I do at a party where my mom is present with other family, and she freaks out? She doesn't mind an audience. She'll do these outbursts and temper tantrums anywhere and everywhere.
Any ideas or advice? I'm really trying! Other than write her out of my life (which would devestate my dad), what can I do?
Thanks for any help,
Debbie

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My mother throws hissy-fits, too, if she doesn't get her way. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
Tell her that if she continues to throw her temper tantrums, and if she continues to try to control your life, you will limit the time that you spend with her. Period. And then do just that.
Your life will be better for it.
If your mother is acting like an insolent rotton child then she should be handled as such. If she throws a fit in public like your hypothetica question, ignore her. Walk away. Walk around her/over her/past her to somewhere else. If she continues to get in your face like a spoiled brat, tell her in a calm voice that when she wants to grow up and have a conversation she knows where to reach you. It's sad, but you'll have to be the adult here since mommydearest intends to abdocate the possition.
BTW, super congratulations on realizing this about her and standing by your husband!! I highly suggest you read this book called BAD CHILDHOOD GOOD LIFE. And possibly THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS, though it looks like you're on the right track there already, but a little added umph and reaffirmation is always good. Plus major brownie points are given when your DH sees you reading it ;-)
It sounds to me your mom is a bit spoiled always wanting to get her way. She demands things to go her way and wants everyone to change to her liking (buying the car she thinks you should have) so she, Herself could be happy. She is overusing "Mom knows best." Your family has been giving into her behavior too long so it's shocking for her to see you take a stand. Maybe you should get your family to discuss her behavior because you alone might not be enough to make her realize her outburst and temper tantrums is childish.
Good Luck!
Hi Debbiegirl2005!
When your Mom starts acting up, tell her right then and there and if she doesn't stop you are going to hang up (if you are on the phone) or if you are with her, tell her you are going to leave because you are not going to continue to take her garbage. If you have to, only see her when you have to, if it comes down to that.
Good for you that you realize that you need to stand up for your husband and that you are actively starting to do just that. A lot of spouses don't see that and that's where a lot of problems can come into play.
I'd get together with her and lay some groundrules upfront. I wouldn't wait for the next event to occur. I'd meet with her and say, "Mom, here's our history, and as much as I love you, I'm not going to acknowledge the fits anymore." Try not to play the blame game if you can and even if she does, just keep the subject on track. You don't care who did what to who, but the fits are uncalled for and when she gets that way, you will turn her off. She can either behave civily to you and your husband, or she can learn to live with seeing you less.
Keep it very calm, no matter how freaky she gets. Let her go into whatever tirade she wants ans listen quietly, but when she's done tell her you've laid your groundrules and now the outcome is in her hands.
I think its important to approach it this way because unless you adequately explain where you're coming from, she'll always think, "Well if I just keep pushing, she'll see it my way eventually." This way, you can always say in the future, we talked about this, I told you how I felt, I was serious.
Get ready for a battle, but the calmer and more determined you are, the sweeter you'll smell.
"What do I do at a party where my mom is present with other family, and she freaks out?"
Don't say a word to her if she is freaking out. Quietly get up and leave. No announcements, warnings or explanations -- just walk out. Don't give you mom the satisfaction of even thinking you will listen to her in that situation. She will learn that behavior will get her no where with you, if you are consistant -- like you would be when training a child to stop tantrums. Your whole family may just applaud your courage! ;o)
YOU MUST BE MY TWIN. I never thought I'd live to meet someone with a mother just like mine. The manipulation... check... the pity-party and tears... check... the family is happy only when SHE's happy... check... everyone must agree with her on everything... check... passive dad does nothing to put her in line... check that too. Like when I purchased my first apartment, she was upset I didn't consult her or ask for her approval before signing the papers. Stuff like that.
I'm in my first marriage. I've been previously engaged to another man but didn't work out. My mom threatened to burn their house and their church, provided no support when his dad died, and many other reasons led to dissolving our engagement. I don't blame him for dropping me like a dime. He let me keep the engagement ring for memories, bless his heart. My mom harassed me for the ring -- every week, when I went over for family dinner -- and this continued for over a year until I finally gave in (if you're wondering, she lost her own ring during a home robbery, didn't want to spend the money for a replacement).
I'm very lucky that my DH can handle my mom's s**t. My parents live 20 minutes away and they didn't come to our wedding reception. My mom refused to attend. And my dad's excuse was that she didn't give him permission to go. My ILs are unbelievably understanding. They said it's okay, they have a**holes in their family too.
Just a story to illustrate. Exactly one year ago today, my mom called us. Told us they have a $100,000 debt. How this happened? For 2 years, my dad PRETENDED to work because he was too scared to tell my mom he's unemployed. So he paid for living expenses through bank loans. Now they've maxed it out. And still no job. During the family meeting my DH and I hammered out the numbers. I asked my sister how her job hunt is coming along. She said her co-op job is ending that month. She didn't tell us she signed a full-time job offer. She didn't want to take part in the family's finances. So her and my mom promised each other not say a word to me. An old co-worker works in the same organization, and that's how I found out she was working there. But it was too late. We already gave my parents the money, and now their debt is ours to pay off. We haven't spoken to them since the money exchanged hands.
The punchline: My husband wrote the cheque. Told my folks this is payment for the privilege of marrying their daughter. I'm all his now, I answer to him only, not my family. If they want anything, they have to go through him. Yes, it's demeaning to think I was "sold" as a bride, and it took months to swallow my pride. On the brighter side...I haven't heard a peep from them since.
I'd like to chat/rant some more with you. I think we have lots of stories to share. You can e-mail me directly instead of the message board; I check this site about once a month. =)
Hello & thanks for the message!
I was away for the weekend and just getting back today to read the posts.
What is it about these women that they get away with this stuff! My mom had 3 younger brothers, and 2 of them have told me that she "runs" their lives too, well as much as they let her. My aunts (sil to my mom) have told me lately that they hate her! She's worse to them than any horrible mil. My mom is constantly doing gatherings where she pesters family members by phone for days so that they show up, and they come just to see the others. Then my Mom wonders why cousin P won't stop by to see her on his only day in town, or why cousins E & G have lunch once a week without her, etc. She is so clueless to this and when I told her the other day that she needs to cut down on the constant advice to people, she looked at me like I was nuts. "But they're doing it all wrong and I was just trying to help!" is what she says all the time.
I have felt for years that I must be a complete idiot, if my Mom has to tell me what to do all the time. She calls me at work to remind me to take out my trash at home the next day, or to remind me to pick my son up after school that day. Like I'm far too stupid to be able to handle the trash or picking up my son??
In addition to my ex-dh, I had boyfriends years ago tell me during a break-up that either it was totally because they didn't want my Mom for a mil, or that by breaking up with me it was a side bonus not to have her for a mil. An old high school friend told me recently that he never dated me in high school because of my mom!
And my Dad - I love him, but he's so passive by now that he wouldn't cross her if the house was on fire and she stood in his way out. I spent time in therapy being mad at him - because he never stood up to HER for ME, didn't love me enough to stand up to her. It's that he loves himself and HIS PEACE more than me, really.
I've got stories to tell, too! We'll connect again and compare, LOL!
Debbie
Thanks to all who posted. I was away this weekend and just now reading the replies.
I'm finding that I have a pretty good backbone, although now not only do I have to deal with my Mom, but my sister & Dad are not too happy that I've rocked the boat. My sister likes that I always did things Mom's way and if I don't keep it up, then my sister gets the heat from Mom to try and do things her way instead. Sister doesn't like that!
And my dad has to hear my mom grump and cry when they're alone, but that is my dad's doing. If he wanted things to be different with her in their marriage, he's had 45 years to figure it out by now.
Thanks again,
Debbie
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