My sister in law making my brother miserable - should I talk to her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
My sister in law making my brother miserable - should I talk to her?
17
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:28pm

Hi,

So my brother and his wife hit a rough patch a few months ago. They have a 4.5 year old together. My brother has been spoiling her ever since they met - he cooks, cleans the house, takes their kid outside (she always has the TV on and doesn't leave the house because she's cold...). Anyway in November 2011 she miscarried at 10 weeks, there were some health issues involved. She's been psycho ever since, and I don't want to seem like I'm defending my brother, I know he messed up, too. She spent the first weeks of pregnancy in bed, he kept catering to her. He said he finally got sick of her wearing her PJs all day long, the house being dirty and he snapped. That was after the miscarriage, I guess he took it too light and she was upset over that. I understand - women become mothers way earlier than men do - to him it was just an embrio. Anyway, she ended up packing his bags so that one night he came home from work at like 11pm and his bag was outside. It was 3 days before Xmas and he slept in his car. He found a hotel and stayed there a few days, she ended up letting him move back in but it wasn't the same. He said she was acting crazy, accusing him of cheating on her,etc. He ended up moving out by himself a few days later. He's been living in that hotel since then, and she's acting so psycho, I can't imagine I used to love this girl.

She called all of my family (including my 92 year old grandma) to say how horrible he was and how he left her and their son. Her mother called my brother to tell him she'd get him fired. My SIL called the phone company and reported his phone stolen, so they gave her a new card for it - she kept the phone and answers it when it rings, to see if girls are calling him. She also printed out last 3 months worth of phonecalls and calls EVERY number and hangs up if she hears a guy.

Anyway, my brother loves her and I can see how much he's suffering. He moved for her 1000 miles away from home, so he has noone there. She has her mother, grandma and aunt (all divorced) support club. She has a friend who is a lawyer and she keeps threatening him with child support and alimony. He's stupid enough to be honest with her about his finances (he might be losing his job soon).

Recently, she started to make it really difficult for him to see his son. And there's noone in this world my brother loves more than that little boy. Since she'd never play with him, he doesn't even listen to her, so I know she's in this weird battle just to make my brother miserable. He told her that if she files for divorce he will sign it, so to think twice before she does it. She hasn't talked about divorce since. It sucks, since I know how much they used to love each other and what a great couple they were (yes, it bothered me that she'd have my brother fetch everything and be at her service, but I thought I was just jealous...). If only they weren't so stubborn.

Her mother's also a bitch - they are next door naighbors, so she'd come over to their house every day, without knocking, go right for the bedroom, lay down on their bed and put the TV on. Can you friggin' imagine?

Should I call/ email her? WTF is she doing - depriving her son of his father? Since her and I have been civil so far, should I stay out of this? I can't see my Mom cry anymore though, every time she thinks about her son being stranded 1000 miles away from home in some nasty hotel. He's not

 BabyFetus Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

Been thinking about your situation. I think you should stay out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2002

I am really sorry about what your brother is going through.

Avatar for 3togetready
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-1999

I agree with the others and say stay out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Other than to suggest counselling - which they sound like they REALLY need! - - there is very little you can do that won't make it worse. It's up to your brother and SIL to repair their relationship, I'd stay well out of it. And I'd stop judging her, as well (which you are....), no-one has a real clue what is going on in a relationship apart from the two people in it. And not even them...From your post, you have made up your mind about your SIL and your brother and what is 'wrong', so you aren't going to be any help to them. What they need is a qualified, neutral, third party to help get them back on track. So if you do want to help, find them a good counsellor and stay well out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011

Yeah... I don't think they'll be getting counseling, they can't even talk like normal people anymore. It's been going on for too long. I can't understand though why she's punishing the kid by not letting him see his father.

And you seem to think that I blame only her - you're wrong. For the longest time (up until very recently) she had all of my family on her side, every one of us was blaming my brother for not being supportive enough. It wasn't until she turned into this vicious psycho with some crazy detective ideas that we were like 'hey- what the hell is she doing'.

And strangely enough - I still try to understand her and so does my Mom - even my Dad keeps telling him to try and talk to her, to hug her. Last time I spoke to her she said he was'indifferent' and wouldn't even talk to her when he comes over to see the boy. What she forgot to mention is that she's been cutting the 'visits' from half-day to 2 hours and now it's 1.5 hour - my brother said that if he has 1.5 hour to see and play with his son, he wants to make the most out of every second. So yeah.

Funny enough, last time we spoke, she told me even if they get a divorce she would never try to prevent my brother from seeing his son. Then what the F is this?

I just called my brother to tell him I'll fly him over here for a few weeks so he can get away from this situation and get his mind off it. :smileyhappy:

 BabyFetus Ticker
Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008

I agree with what everyone has said so far.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

I agree with the others, don't try to talk to her about it. It doesn't sound like she would be open to listening to you anyway, regardless of how good your advice might be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011

I don't understand this girl anymore. She spoke with my Mom a few weeks ago and told her that she wants him to come back home. My Mom asked if she told him that and she said 'Well I said if he doesn't want to go back to the hotel there's place to sleep here'. My Mom explained to her that it didn't sound like a 'let's try to make this work' at all, and the SIL said she'd call him right then and ask him to come home. And she did.... My brother said she called him at work and said 'Come back home right now' and he said he was at work and will get out around midnight, so he can move back the next day. To which she replied 'get your ass over here right now that's the last time i'm asking'. I mean, obviously, that wasn't very inviting or sane-sounding...

 BabyFetus Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I think your brother is in a bad situation, BUT I think YOU should stay out of it.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
My first thought is actually that poor, poor girl! Sorry, this isn't what you want to hear but I'm very sensitive as I just watched my DD lose her baby at 13 wks. The one thing her doctor did warn her about was postpartum depression. It runs in DH's family & DD had a mild form of it when her DS was born while her cousin who had her DS 2 wks earlier was frankly a basket case - very similar to your SIL. She was so bad that she refused to have another child & live through that year of *ell again. Her husband & his family reacted with the get over it, you are just creating this mess. There is nothing wrong with you except you are a lazy, selfish bitch. Her Dad was out of town for 2 mths after the baby was born & as soon as he got home, he took her to the dr as he had lived with the same symptoms with her mother for her 2 pregnancies.

I would agree with the others, stay out of it unless you want to help her. Ask your brother to learn about postpartum depression & get your SIL for help. My niece was never a danger to her DS, she was frankly insane - she couldn't sleep, eat or do anything but watch tv or 2nd guess every interaction with her child. Her family insisted that someone stay with her daily for 6 mths. This was a rational woman of 35 who had been a teacher all her life before getting married & starting the family she wanted so much. The drugs & counseling with time brought her back into the normal world. It always frustrates me that people don't think of PPD but rather want to blame the Mom.

If you have never had a miscarriage then you can't know how she is feeling. Everyone reacts differently. My Mom had two almost 50 yrs ago & the emotional pain came back when DD lost her baby early this year. DD was a mess for the first few weeks but then decided to tell herself it wasn't a baby - just a bunch of cells. It works most of the time but she still breaks down every few days.

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