In need of Desperate Advice on MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In need of Desperate Advice on MIL
28
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:18pm
I NEED DESPERATE HELP!!! My future mother-in-law is a manipulative bipolar alcoholic that my fiance worships. She has been engaged herself for twelve years but will not marry him and blames it on him even though he continually asks. She will not pump her own gas, go to the grociery store or even play her own lottery tickets. My fiance does everything for her including giving her 25% of his pay check which we can't really afford because she chooses to live off of unemployment and every one else around her. She sits on the couch drinking beer all day long and complaining that no one does enough for her. Sometimes she locks herself in and won't answer the phone so that my fiance calls her every five minutes instead of every hour as usual. Then she tells him its because of her fiance, she tells his brother it was because of my fiance etc. My fiance is scared to death to even mention his father in front of her unless he is putting him down even though they have great relationship. My wedding has already been cancelled once because he was afraid to have his mother and father in the same room. And now that we're engaged again, at first we decided to run off and invite my parents and his mother so that his dad wouldn't be hurt that he wasn't invited (he would never have to know the mother was there) but his mother refuses to leave the house so he no longer wants to talk about wedding plans AGAIN!!! I have no doubt that he loves me and he has taken my daughter in as his own. When we first met, his gram was alive and she was the one who kept sanity in the household when his mother would overreact but now she is gone. Although his mother says she talks through her all of the time. You may think I am exagerating but I have barely scratched the surface and I don't know what to do. My daughter has loved and looked up to him almost all of her life, and I do love him just as much but his mother is tearing us apart and he feels that since she took care of him as a child that she is now his responsibilty...SHE IS NOT EVEN 50 years old..she is capable of taking care of herself. Please help!!!!!!!!
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:03pm

If you were single with no children, I would say do what you want. But, you are a MOTHER. You have a child to consider. You don't have time to "roll the dice" with someone like your boyfriend.

But, no one can tell you what to do. If you want to play house with a Mama's boy who will NEVER put you first, and who allows his mother to treat you like dirt, then have at it. I just hope you reconsider and put your CHILD's welfare first. She deserves better than you are giving her. Not an immature Mama's boy for a father figure.

Perhaps you should find a message board where people will tell you what you want to hear and tickle your ears.

But, a lot of us have been where you are and it is a no-win situation. Unless he is willing to grow up, cut the umbilical cord and be a MAN, you have no hope.

You didn't have to write your message to everyone. Once would have been sufficient.




Edited 11/16/2006 3:19 pm ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:01pm
Hi, Well you sound like you want to keep up the relationship with this man. What is the rush about getting married? Unless you 're pregnant by him I don't see a need to get married. Can't you just have a relationship with him? Why marriage? It is a BIGGGGGGGG step and you DON'T want to rush into things. Honestly there is no trick to rid your relationship of the MIL problem other than eloping and moving away and that's even harder on your daughter because you'll pull her away from her friends. If you just have the relationship with him , enjoy it,and don't tie yourself down you will remain FREE and you hold the reigns. Once you say I Do, you DON't anymore. My advice, is not to marry at this time and both of you try counseling, either through church (there are premarital support groups) or privately (kind of expensive). He may have emotional issues that you may decide you don't want to deal with forever. You need to give this time and see if he changes in the near future. If not then think about if you want to live with this forever. She (MIL) will not make your life happy for you. He needs to stand up to her but may never be able to do it.But remember YOU are in control now being single. This all has to be resolved BEFORE you say I DO not after. If you can't resolve it with him then have the courage to move on. If you feel you can live this way then you have to accept him AS IS if he refuses to change. If he can change great, but if not either take him as is and accept her as part of the package deal keeping as much distance as you can or resolve to let go of them. The choice is yours. Good luck. For now, just enjoy him and your relationship. Keep your eyes open too. You are FREE FREE FREE. Stay that way for a while. What's the rush about marriage????? Have a good holiday. With sincerity...Rifka 2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:06pm
I have to agree 100% with what the last person who posted said. You have a child to think about and playing games with his mother to be in first place is not going to help your daughter at all. And, what you've said about women being the manipulators is true. Women have had to be manipulators and sneaky in the past because we didn't have any rights. Divorce wasn't always an option because we weren't financially independent and we had to stay with men who treated us less than we deserved. Thank God that things have changed and we have the option to leave. Perhaps a very frank, heart to heart talk is in need with you and your boyfriend. If he can't see things from your point of view, it's time to move on because short of tossin' the old MIL down a flight of stairs, there's nothing you can do to get rid of her....at least, that I know of. But, if you do find some time of mind game that works, let me know because I sure don't know of any!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 6:33pm

Wait a minute. He is not an invalid dependent on her. You aren't "leaving" him in her fangs, he is CHOOSING to climb on in and pull the jaws shut.

The sad fact of the matter is for those who "rolled the dice and won" they did so because when the poo hit the fan the guy was their man and not her baby boy. You want creative ways to manipulate the situation to your advantage, but you should be asking why a guy who needs rescuing and manipulated strikes you as quality husband and father material.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:12am
Thank you Rifka. Finally some advice with out fire balls of hatred attached. I thought I was angry until I read most of the answers to my question. Then I realized maybe I'm not as angry as I thought I was. I really do appreciate your advice and I think you are right. I haven't even told him that I felt this way about his mother because I understand a little where he is coming from. I would do anything my parents asked me to do for them, they just don't ask that much or that often, and he does things for my parents to again, they don't ask as often. But you are right, maybe I should sit sown and explain how I feel, and at least give our relationship the option to change or stay the same, the option for counseling if needed or deciding to let go. Thank you, you have been very helpful.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:25pm

"Fireballs of hatred"?????

Just because some of us care that you are exposing your child to this kind of treatment of her mother? Just because some of us have been in the place of being last in a spouse's or in your case, boyfriend's life?

No dear, we don't hate you. We hate that you have a mama's boy for a boyfriend. We hate that you sell yourself short and think you can change someone.

I certainly hope it all works out for you. I hope you get that fantasy life with this little boy that you crave. I hope your child doesn't get hurt in your pursuit of a guy who has the umbilical cord so tight it is strangling him.

Hatred? No. Not even close. A LOT of pity, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:31pm

Well I rolled the dice and won. My husband was a momma's boy and he's very much improved. But it was a long hard fight, and while he seems happy enough with the situation now, I am at times resentful that we ever had to go through something like that.

How did I do it? It's been awhile since I went through it, and I didn't do it through some grand manipulative scheme. It was a number of things that added up. I guess all the little things were aimed at getting my husband to see the situation from a perspective outside the relationships and without the emotional components. For example, we saw a couples therapist, but it wasn't any advice that she gave us that helped. It was that he witnessed me tell another person how I felt, in a neutral environment, saw how it affected me emotionally, and heard the questions that someone else felt were relevant.

We had problems with my husband's friends too. After many times of my complaining and crying about the same issues, I asked my husband how he would feel if someone treated his friend (a woman) the way she and he had treated me. That made him stop and think. He wouldn't like it.

Do you see what I'm getting at? You have to find ways to get your man to see around the emotions involved, his unhealthily strong attachment to his mother, and any anger/resentment that he has against you that may be contributing. Most of it I stumbled on. One time I managed to put him into a ridiculous and infuriating position to be in--one that he had put me in but never owned up to--and just as he was about to lose it, I pointed out he was in the position I had been in for years and asked him how it felt. I can't describe the relief I felt when I saw the realisation on his face and knew that issue wouldn't be a problem again.

One caution: I never did this, and knew full well to never do this...don't call his manhood into question! Don't tell him to grow up or be a man or things of this nature. It won't work and will likely damage your relationship. That will always ring in his ears.

I can't think of anything else atm. I hope there is something in this jumble that helps you one way or the other. I suggest counseling. This will help you decide if it's really worth trying to work this out or if you should end things as others have suggested. Other than that I think it is a roll of the dice...you won't know if it will work. Good luck.

http://www.paganedge.com/
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:37pm
Did you have a child in the mix? I am not being snarky, I am actually curious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:47pm

There are no "creative" ways to get around this.


She is not the problem.

Catrina now
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:31pm

I am sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else who said not to marry him. Your DD needs to come first. If you marry this guy you will teach her that its okay to let someone walk all over you and control your life. You will set her up for some serious problems later. It is your job as a mother to set a good example for her, and if you marry him, you won't. What is more important here? Your dd's future, or your need to marry him just because she likes him? She will be fine if you guys break up now. It will be harder on her to live in a home where Mommy and Step-Daddy fight all of the time. She deserves better then that. You are a mother first and foremost. Her happiness, and well-being depends on you. She needs you more then anyone.

I married my Dh not knowing how his mother was because we eloped after only knowing each other one month. I had only met her once, and of course she wasn't bad. It wasn't until I after I was 5 months pregnant with our first child, that I realized what a problem she was going to be. But it was too late by then. She wanted everything her way, and on her terms. If you didn't then all hell would break loose. I tried to talk to my Dh to get him to see things for what they were, and top put a stop to it, but he didn't. He would basically tell her to stop and that was it. They would then go on like nothing ever happened. Every time she did something the same results. He would do nothing to stop her and go on like nothing happened.

This went on for 7 years. What ended it finally was us moving 2,000 miles away, and getting out from under her. That and Dh reconnecting with his father. But it still wasn't that simple. First after a blow up with her before we moved, I stopped having any kind of relationship with her. Then when I found out that she had bad-mouthed me to my oldest, I cut her off from the boys. This all took place over a year. Finally about a year and a half of being gone, Dh and I had it out. We had been fighting about her for three days straight. It was the longest fight we ever had about her. Oh and during all of this she decided that she wanted to apologize to me. I said no way.

Then I found out that the only reason that she wanted to apologize was because her other son and his f moved out. I knew that it was a ploy to get back in their good graces. I am glad that I didn't fall for it. Anyway, mil sent a Christmas card to Dh and I (mind you she hasn't acknowledge me all this time) and wanted to sent us gifts. Basically she was trying to act like nothing happened. I told Dh no way. Anyway, I got to the point where I was just so sick and tired of it all. I called my Mom crying telling her that I was to the point where I was ready to leave him and that his mother could have him. I was really upset.

When he called me later (he was out of town) I told him that I was thinking of giving up on us. I told him I was tired of it all. I also said that he wasn't a man. When he asked what I meant by that, I told him that he wasn't a man, and certainly not the man that I married because the man that I married would never let anyone treat me the way he allowed mil to treat me including family. I told him that I am to come first not his mother, and that I didn't care if that is how she is, that doesn't give her the right to treat me the way she has. We talked for a while He finally after 7 years apologized for allowing his mother to treat me that way.

Anyway, he had time to think about what I said, and he decided that his mother wasn't worth loosing his wife and sons over. The next time they talked, he told her not to send anything. Some other things were said and he told her because she was a *itch to me all these years, and that he was cutting her off for good. Of course she was upset and crying, but it was best for us and our marriage to no longer have her apart of our lives. It turns out that it was good that he did cut her off because she has gotten a lot worse. She has done a lot of crap to my BIL's wife, and she even threatened to harm their son. She has really gone off the deep end. Now she is even worse. Hopefully BIL will cut her off too. I think that Dh really sees that it was not me all of these years, but her. Any one that has ever known her hates her. Even her own family.

So that is my story. I didn't roll the dice and win because I had no idea until after what my mil was really like. I still have a lot of anger for that evil woman, and resentment that my Dh allowed her to mistreat me the way she did for all of those years. Having her in our lives has affected our kids. If I could go back and do this all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have either not married Dh at all, or put a stop to this from the start. The difference is though, my mil is not Bipolar. You can't reason with a mentally ill person, and there is no sneaky way to get rid of his mother. He has to do it himself. He has to take off the blinders, and see things for what they really are. There is a slim chance that he ever will.

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