In need of Desperate Advice on MIL
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In need of Desperate Advice on MIL
| Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:18pm |
I NEED DESPERATE HELP!!! My future mother-in-law is a manipulative bipolar alcoholic that my fiance worships. She has been engaged herself for twelve years but will not marry him and blames it on him even though he continually asks. She will not pump her own gas, go to the grociery store or even play her own lottery tickets. My fiance does everything for her including giving her 25% of his pay check which we can't really afford because she chooses to live off of unemployment and every one else around her. She sits on the couch drinking beer all day long and complaining that no one does enough for her. Sometimes she locks herself in and won't answer the phone so that my fiance calls her every five minutes instead of every hour as usual. Then she tells him its because of her fiance, she tells his brother it was because of my fiance etc. My fiance is scared to death to even mention his father in front of her unless he is putting him down even though they have great relationship. My wedding has already been cancelled once because he was afraid to have his mother and father in the same room. And now that we're engaged again, at first we decided to run off and invite my parents and his mother so that his dad wouldn't be hurt that he wasn't invited (he would never have to know the mother was there) but his mother refuses to leave the house so he no longer wants to talk about wedding plans AGAIN!!! I have no doubt that he loves me and he has taken my daughter in as his own. When we first met, his gram was alive and she was the one who kept sanity in the household when his mother would overreact but now she is gone. Although his mother says she talks through her all of the time. You may think I am exagerating but I have barely scratched the surface and I don't know what to do. My daughter has loved and looked up to him almost all of her life, and I do love him just as much but his mother is tearing us apart and he feels that since she took care of him as a child that she is now his responsibilty...SHE IS NOT EVEN 50 years old..she is capable of taking care of herself. Please help!!!!!!!!

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All we can go on is what is posted on the board. And sometimes it's quite difficult to get across just what one *wants* to get across.
I am very glad to hear that your situation is not as bad as your first post sounded, (it sounded bad to me, too) and that your DF is not taking his mother's side against you.
Counseling in communication is a very good idea, because we are all "conditioned" by our backgrounds in how we respond to others. And that can often get tricky, especially when there is a problem like a MIL to work out.
You have my best wishes for a long and contented marriage, with enough small challenges to keep it interesting yet not so many that they cause problems.
ilve2read
I sincerely apologize for how that sounded/read.
When I said "Guess you cannot say the same", I meant that you had not been married for as long as I had and have not had the experiences that me and others have had as yet. I also meant that my kids are my husband's, therefore I had not experienced what you had by bringing a child into a relationship.
Honestly, it was not meant as a knock to your single motherhood. You can ask anyone who has been here. I am not perfect, and I am blunt, but I am not purposely cruel.
As for the rest, I stand by it. If you wish to pursue a man who will never put you first, please do so. I just hope you don't live to regret it.
And you obviously don't know what inlaw crap I have put up with. I have been excluded from photos, not considered family unless they want something, told how to live, dress and raise my kids and how I should wait on my man hand and foot, etc, etc etc. I don't have it as bad as some poor ladies here, and I am damn grateful for it. Why am I here? Well, if we want to get technical, why are you here? Why did you ask for advice if you only wanted to hear how to manipulate your man into what you want him to be? Also, if you want to get technical, you are not married, so you don't have inlaws. Why would you come to an inlaw problem board? But, you know what? You are welcome here. We don't discriminate here and welcome anyone with inlaw or FUTURE inlaw problems.
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I am sorry, but if people don't want to follow my advice, that is up to them. I am not perfect in any way and never claimed to know it all. But, you might want to listen to a few of the other posters who are not agreeing with you. A couple of them have lived what you are living and did not "win" when they "rolled the dice".
Edited 11/20/2006 12:39 pm ET by mom2danjam
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I feel for your position. You can't help who you love. But, you can help who you marry. It doesn't sound like you should marry someone who would postpone a wedding because of other family members (except things like death or severe sickness). Doesn't it worry you that your beloved won't talk marriage any longer because of his mom? This would be a big hint to me. Even with everything everyone else suggets, I know you will make the best decision for you. From experience, you cannot reason or deal with a person who is bi-polar
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