In need of Desperate Advice on MIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In need of Desperate Advice on MIL
28
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:18pm
I NEED DESPERATE HELP!!! My future mother-in-law is a manipulative bipolar alcoholic that my fiance worships. She has been engaged herself for twelve years but will not marry him and blames it on him even though he continually asks. She will not pump her own gas, go to the grociery store or even play her own lottery tickets. My fiance does everything for her including giving her 25% of his pay check which we can't really afford because she chooses to live off of unemployment and every one else around her. She sits on the couch drinking beer all day long and complaining that no one does enough for her. Sometimes she locks herself in and won't answer the phone so that my fiance calls her every five minutes instead of every hour as usual. Then she tells him its because of her fiance, she tells his brother it was because of my fiance etc. My fiance is scared to death to even mention his father in front of her unless he is putting him down even though they have great relationship. My wedding has already been cancelled once because he was afraid to have his mother and father in the same room. And now that we're engaged again, at first we decided to run off and invite my parents and his mother so that his dad wouldn't be hurt that he wasn't invited (he would never have to know the mother was there) but his mother refuses to leave the house so he no longer wants to talk about wedding plans AGAIN!!! I have no doubt that he loves me and he has taken my daughter in as his own. When we first met, his gram was alive and she was the one who kept sanity in the household when his mother would overreact but now she is gone. Although his mother says she talks through her all of the time. You may think I am exagerating but I have barely scratched the surface and I don't know what to do. My daughter has loved and looked up to him almost all of her life, and I do love him just as much but his mother is tearing us apart and he feels that since she took care of him as a child that she is now his responsibilty...SHE IS NOT EVEN 50 years old..she is capable of taking care of herself. Please help!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:09am
That's wonderful to hear. You know my post on this site was almost completely out of frustration. It's nice to hear how your relationship worked out. I just don't think one paragraph or one post can really tell people about your life and the situations surrounding it. I felt better just writing how I felt down and getting messages from you and Rifka. Other people on here seem to think I'm in an ongoing all out war with my fiance and it all happens in my living room where my daughter has front seat tickets. I don't know how they argue in their house but I've never had an argument in front of my daughter. As I matter of fact I've never argued with my fiance about his mother, I've held it in that she is annoying the hell out of me. She does go through depressions and ups and downs like crazy, but I don't really have to deal with it, I just hear about it and sometimes I want to chew my own ear off. However his mother has been nothing but good to my daughter and me. And my fiance has been with us for five years, not a few weeks, I'm not introducing my daughter to strangers as some people seem to think. I do agree with you that questioning his manhood is a very bad place to go as I don't think I could handle the same. It would on;y be mean and spiteful. Yeah, maybe he calls her too many times a day, and maybe she should learn how to do things for herself but that doesn't mean that he doesn't put me and my daughter first, because he does. The woman just drives me crazy because she can't get her own life together without depending on the people closest to her to do everything for her. She plays all kinds of games to get what she wants, and I mostly watch and am just there for my fiance. He doesn't put her problems on me, he just talks to me about them, and I know it drives him up a wall as well. He just wants to help her, and I don't think that will ever happen because she won't help herself, but again this is such a sensitive issue and I wouldn't have him tell me how to treat my parents whom I love dearly. As for the only part of my life that she affects, it is our wedding, when and where it will be is surrrounded by all of her issues. I have not told my F that this is a problem, I really don't know how to go about that. But I don't think I have to because he told me that he was tired of trying to find a way to make it our day and keep his mother happy, because the truth is there is nothing that will make her 100% happy because she never is. He told me that our wedding is all about us and I could have it anyway and anywhere that I wanted it. So that problem is solved. You can pick your mate, but you can't pick your in-laws. I do have a good relationship with his mother, I just don't really know, neither does he, how to tell her to go get a job!, get off the couch!, put the beer down!, go make friends!, have a life!, I mean the woman is well over 25 years older than me and I really don't think its my place. And if my F told her that she would probably lock everyone out and not answer her phone for three days like his last attempt to get through to her. I don't know, but I do think we may need a little counsling on communication since, obviously, I had to come here and get my feelings out instead of talking to him about it, even though it all worked out anyways. I do appreciate your advice and am glad that there are a few people here that aren't full of insults and and anger, people who don't know your whole story and tell you to just quit and give up on everything after reading a paragraph of your bad day. Those are the kind of people that do end up divorced and bitter. I'm just glad I'm not one of them and I am glad that you and Rifka are out there too, also unbitter and happy. Thank you for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:26am

All we can go on is what is posted on the board. And sometimes it's quite difficult to get across just what one *wants* to get across.

I am very glad to hear that your situation is not as bad as your first post sounded, (it sounded bad to me, too) and that your DF is not taking his mother's side against you.

Counseling in communication is a very good idea, because we are all "conditioned" by our backgrounds in how we respond to others. And that can often get tricky, especially when there is a problem like a MIL to work out.

You have my best wishes for a long and contented marriage, with enough small challenges to keep it interesting yet not so many that they cause problems.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:01pm
Thank you for your advice, I sincerely appreciate it. And you are right, all that you know is what I do post so I can understand if I may have misled somewhat out of my frustration with the future MIL. However it does feel great to get it out and hear about others experiances in some of the same situations. I do appreciate everyone's personal stories that they have posted and I will take alo t of that to heart, and I definately know that I do need some sort of counseling for my communication issues. Again, thank you for the advice.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:25pm

I sincerely apologize for how that sounded/read.

When I said "Guess you cannot say the same", I meant that you had not been married for as long as I had and have not had the experiences that me and others have had as yet. I also meant that my kids are my husband's, therefore I had not experienced what you had by bringing a child into a relationship.

Honestly, it was not meant as a knock to your single motherhood. You can ask anyone who has been here. I am not perfect, and I am blunt, but I am not purposely cruel.

As for the rest, I stand by it. If you wish to pursue a man who will never put you first, please do so. I just hope you don't live to regret it.

And you obviously don't know what inlaw crap I have put up with. I have been excluded from photos, not considered family unless they want something, told how to live, dress and raise my kids and how I should wait on my man hand and foot, etc, etc etc. I don't have it as bad as some poor ladies here, and I am damn grateful for it. Why am I here? Well, if we want to get technical, why are you here? Why did you ask for advice if you only wanted to hear how to manipulate your man into what you want him to be? Also, if you want to get technical, you are not married, so you don't have inlaws. Why would you come to an inlaw problem board? But, you know what? You are welcome here. We don't discriminate here and welcome anyone with inlaw or FUTURE inlaw problems.

<<<>>

I am sorry, but if people don't want to follow my advice, that is up to them. I am not perfect in any way and never claimed to know it all. But, you might want to listen to a few of the other posters who are not agreeing with you. A couple of them have lived what you are living and did not "win" when they "rolled the dice".




Edited 11/20/2006 12:39 pm ET by mom2danjam
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:58pm
I just wanted to clarify that I was not saying that you fight in front of your dd. Even if you fight in another room she will hear it. Trust me on that. My parents did that. They never fought directly in front of us, but in their bedroom upstairs. We could still hear them. Once we were outside and even then we could still hear them. So even though she may no be in the same room as you, if you get loud enough she will hear everything and she will remember it as she gets older. I did.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:00pm
Thank you, I do know that. I went through the same thing with my parents. Just to clarify, we don't really "fight". We have disagreements and discussions that we usually talk about when she is with her grandmother or out with my sister. We try not to undermine the other with her around but it has been made clear that while he is a father figure to her I am still her mother and what I say for her goes, even her biological father knows that. We really don't argue though, I think we did alot more in the first year or so, but everything is pretty much routine now. I never argued with him about his mother, in fact I have yet to tell him how I feel about her. I don't know how to do that without sounding disconsiderate, uncaring, or evcen disrespectful. I can't imagine how I would feel if he said things like I want to say about my parents. Its more of a communication problem than a Who comes first problem. And I would appreciate any advice on that. It just took hearing all these different opinions to really know what I was frustrated about. But you are right about the arguments, I know, and I will make sure that my daughter never hears us fighting as long as it is in my power. Thank you for your concern, and like I said any other advice on the communication thing would be helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:05pm

I feel for your position. You can't help who you love. But, you can help who you marry. It doesn't sound like you should marry someone who would postpone a wedding because of other family members (except things like death or severe sickness). Doesn't it worry you that your beloved won't talk marriage any longer because of his mom? This would be a big hint to me. Even with everything everyone else suggets, I know you will make the best decision for you. From experience, you cannot reason or deal with a person who is bi-polar

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Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 4:31pm
Thank you for the advice and I really do appreciate any and all advice. And its not that I was upset for someone trying to help, it was just all of the name calling and trash talking from one person who was constant in her bashing that upset me. The problem is he really doesn't know that I have a problem with this. I have listened and been there for him but never really told him how bad she gets on my nerves sometimes. I don't know how without sounding rude. Anyways, the wedding planning is back on, his decision without me saying anything, because he doesn't think there is a way to avoid her feelings about his dad but we both really want this and she is going to have to deal with being in the same room as his dad. I just hope she can contain herself and try to be happy for her son.

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