need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
need to vent
21
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:52am

This is probably going to be a long one.

We have been married for 20 years and have lived together for 26. Four children - youngest 12 oldest 18. We have always been very happy and have never asked anyone for help or even relied on anyone for babysitting.

DH has an older sister and a younger brother and both have lived with their mom with their own families. Have always taken advantage of her, in my opinion. MIL was divorced before I met my DH and I have never even seen her date.

About 6 years ago we finally built our dream home out in the country. It is something we scrimped and saved for. After the first year MIL and BIL liked the area (about 50 miles from where they were living) and decided to also build out here AND on the same road. We thought it would be really nice to have everyone so close. Well, it started out ok, but gradually has escalated into a terrible thing. My DH is now expected to do everything for his mother. It's like he is her husband. This is very hard to explain. BIL has one child (7) and he's ALWAYS sent over here to "play" with our children. MIL babysits him the majority of the time. BIL is over here constantly and will even come here before picking up his child from MIL's house. My family has made comments that they have felt ignored when the BIL or MIL is here, but I had never really noticed it. Well, lately I supposed they have kicked it up a few notches and have made it very blatant with the scheming and little games. MIL will come over here and be very very nasty to me and when my DH walks in she totally turns into a sweetheart. When I explain this to him he just can't believe it. I don't know why he thinks I would ever make this crap up. My Mom suggested I confront her when she does this, so I did about a month ago and she didn't like it but everything seemed ok, even after DH came in and I explained what was going on--she was fine. Well, she went home and told her other son that I "jumped" her and then he was pissed at me. I hope all this makes sense.

My DH doesn't understand any of this and thinks I am being ridiculous. Of course, he's not really seen her in action (as far as her words) because she's slick. I have also found out she does the same things to my SIL, but she's seen what has happened to me so she has decided not to tell her DH (my BIL) about it. This has added even more pressure on me. I don't know what to do anymore. My DH has admitted that he has seen how I am ignored (and my family, when they are visiting). I recently had some close friends tell me that they too have felt ignored and that no matter what time day or night they visit the in-laws always show up. Unfortunately, I guess I was so wrapped up in my own drama with it that I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing to my friends/family.

I feel devastated that my DH has known and noticed this all these years and has not defended me and his children. He can't seem to do anything anymore without his mother and/or brother around. Until I figure out what to do, I have decided to remove myself from the situations when they arise. I go for a long walk in the woods, or leave for the grocery store, wash the car, ANYTHING to get away. Now they are playing games with my children and that will not be tolerated!

Alone and depressed, Lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
In reply to: lena_va
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:20pm

My MIL does the SAME thing.

Michelle due 2/12/10 w/#4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: lena_va
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 6:48pm

Hi Lena_va, welcome to the board!

I think that you should invest in a cam that you can secretly set up where no one will notice it and videotape what goes on when MIL and BIL come over. When DH comes home, you can play it back for him. If you aren't able to get a cam, at the very least invest in a tape recorded that you can keep in your pocket and turn on when she starts in with you.

If that doesn't work, tell DH that you don't want them over anymore if he isn't going to support you and then tell them that they aren't welcome anymore until they can respect you in your house.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:40pm

I don't have the issues you do right now (no kids yet) but with my SIL I do. This woman, to start off, (before we got married) rode in my car on a trip with my fiance, and my other SIL drove while I rode with my husband. She got out and said "C you need to clean your car out." Instead of thanking me for riding in her car. Fast forward to christmas, she invites me and my parents (before our marriage) to her house to Christmas. when they were not there christmas day, I heard she called my parents and would not take no for an answer till they came over there. Despite the fact my parents work and were tired and wanted to rest. She always does that, when someone is invited to a family gathering and they do not come, she always calls and nags the sh** out of them until they either tell her where to put it or give in and come. Also whenever I see her she is bragging about her daughter who lives out of state, how big a house she has and blah, blah, blah. I come from a very wealthy town about 45 miles from the town where me and my husband and her live and have seen 10 times the wealth by 20 years old than she would ever see in her life and I don't care about stuff like that. In other words, shut up your damn bragging, I want to tell her. I don't give a sh**.

fast forward, we have been married for two years now. This witch cannot pay for her vehicle and wants to turn it in and use my husband's 2nd car, an SUV he is still paying on. She said to my other SIL "I don't know why I'm paying for my vehicle when there's one over there at ________'s that I can use." She was asking my husband if she could borrow it and he said no because if she had a wreck his insurance would go up. Good call. I am about to tell her that she will have to run me over if she wants it b/c I am going to stand in the driveway blocking her if it comes to that. I'm a very strong-willed person, in case you guys haven't noticed.

Since my husband had a health issue lately, she comes banging on the door without calling these past few days wanting to know all about it. Never mind she has dumped my husband's mother's care (before she passed away) on him for years. for that reason alone you cannot convince me she cares about his health after her crap with my mother in law's care ran his blood pressure up in the first place (I'm 29, he's 47, the mean SIL is around 62 or so). He has always been a sudden only child when my MIL's care is concerned. My mother even said today that she saw her name and # on the caller ID, probably wanting to know about my husband's stress test. the same day earlier she came banging on the door without calling again.

How do I deal with her and tell her to back off and give me some damn respect without being the family bad guy?! Anyone who has had in-laws for a long time and stood up to them and come out on top who can help me? Thanks for your advice in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: lena_va
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 6:14pm

>I have to run and pick up the children, all 175 of them, lol, school bus driver....

lena<

So am I! I work for an Education Service District and only drive ECEAP/Headstart kids--only 3 to 5 year olds on my bus (all 28 of them each day)

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:09am

Hi Sam!

I love my job and all my kids! I am only in my 11th year and I have found it to be the most rewarding job I have ever had!

As far as the issues at hand. Didn't have any luck whatsoever over the weekend. Tried and tried and tried to talk with hubby and quite frankly I may as well be banging my head on a brick wall. I think for now I am just going to say the heck with it all and go about my business with my children. I am no longer going to tolerate any bull and I will definitely stand up for myself and my kids ON THE SPOT and not put up with any more crap!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: lena_va
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 1:29am

I hear you there. I love my job, I work for ESD~~so we don't work a full week (my new route is only 20.5 hours a week) and I'm off on Thursday/Friday and don't come in until 9 am, so I told the boss I would be willing to come in early and do a AM run and work on Thursdays as long as I don't have something plan like going to the Dr/dentist.

As for the IL crappo~~I agree with you. The last time we were with the dh's entire family, MIL & BIL got into a fight over me~~and all the way thru dinner & afterwards they were sniping at each other. I try to avoid family events like the plague, but dh just told me that we are going to be going to BIL for Thanksgiving & his birthday (seems one of his friends is threwing him a party~~his birthday is the 23) at least we are staying at hotel and I've gotten him to agree that if they start their nonsense again, and I tell him I want to leave, we will leave right then & there. I don't have to put up with this nonsense.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lena_va
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 8:25pm

"I've gotten him to agree that if they start their nonsense again, and I tell him I want to leave"

Make sure that you get to hold the car keys. If he tries to back out on that agreement, he'll find himself left behind.

lena_v: You go, woman!!! If someone shows up without calling, tell them this is "not a good time." And if someone is rude to you in YOUR house, you hold the door open and say, "You've got to go now. Bye."

Sometimes the last thing that you should worry about is "being the family bad guy." Half the people who complain about you will actually be ENVIOUS of you, for having the courage that they don't have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 12:54pm
Good idea. I also think that you should have the car keys. That way you can leave no matter what.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: lena_va
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:08pm

>Make sure that you get to hold the car keys. If he tries to back out on that agreement, he'll find himself left behind<

As we will be driving my car, I have the only set of keys for it (and it's in his name LOL) but he knows I'm not going to put up with their bull anymore and I don't expect him to put up with the bull from my side either. I've asked my oldest dd & sil to leave when they start fighting.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:31am

Well, I want to say thank you to y'all for listening and helping me deal with this crap. I told hubby that I did NOT marry his entire family and if I had known that's what was expected of me when I married him, I would have ran like the devil!! I did let my hubby read this thread and between this and everything I have been trying to get through to him he finally apologized and he said that if he were in my shoes he doesn't think he would have lasted as long as I did. I think reading this thread was particularly helpful to him because hearing what everyone (as a third party) had to say made a lightbulb come on in his head, I suppose!! lol It's been a pretty good week--no visits or even phone calls from any in-laws! It will be interesting to see what happens this weekend and of course after that. I pray that he's really seen the light and chosen to put his immediate family first. Thanks again, I will let you know what happens!! Have a great day!

Lena