need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
need to vent
21
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:52am

This is probably going to be a long one.

We have been married for 20 years and have lived together for 26. Four children - youngest 12 oldest 18. We have always been very happy and have never asked anyone for help or even relied on anyone for babysitting.

DH has an older sister and a younger brother and both have lived with their mom with their own families. Have always taken advantage of her, in my opinion. MIL was divorced before I met my DH and I have never even seen her date.

About 6 years ago we finally built our dream home out in the country. It is something we scrimped and saved for. After the first year MIL and BIL liked the area (about 50 miles from where they were living) and decided to also build out here AND on the same road. We thought it would be really nice to have everyone so close. Well, it started out ok, but gradually has escalated into a terrible thing. My DH is now expected to do everything for his mother. It's like he is her husband. This is very hard to explain. BIL has one child (7) and he's ALWAYS sent over here to "play" with our children. MIL babysits him the majority of the time. BIL is over here constantly and will even come here before picking up his child from MIL's house. My family has made comments that they have felt ignored when the BIL or MIL is here, but I had never really noticed it. Well, lately I supposed they have kicked it up a few notches and have made it very blatant with the scheming and little games. MIL will come over here and be very very nasty to me and when my DH walks in she totally turns into a sweetheart. When I explain this to him he just can't believe it. I don't know why he thinks I would ever make this crap up. My Mom suggested I confront her when she does this, so I did about a month ago and she didn't like it but everything seemed ok, even after DH came in and I explained what was going on--she was fine. Well, she went home and told her other son that I "jumped" her and then he was pissed at me. I hope all this makes sense.

My DH doesn't understand any of this and thinks I am being ridiculous. Of course, he's not really seen her in action (as far as her words) because she's slick. I have also found out she does the same things to my SIL, but she's seen what has happened to me so she has decided not to tell her DH (my BIL) about it. This has added even more pressure on me. I don't know what to do anymore. My DH has admitted that he has seen how I am ignored (and my family, when they are visiting). I recently had some close friends tell me that they too have felt ignored and that no matter what time day or night they visit the in-laws always show up. Unfortunately, I guess I was so wrapped up in my own drama with it that I wasn't paying attention to what she was doing to my friends/family.

I feel devastated that my DH has known and noticed this all these years and has not defended me and his children. He can't seem to do anything anymore without his mother and/or brother around. Until I figure out what to do, I have decided to remove myself from the situations when they arise. I go for a long walk in the woods, or leave for the grocery store, wash the car, ANYTHING to get away. Now they are playing games with my children and that will not be tolerated!

Alone and depressed, Lena

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
In reply to: lena_va
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 1:02pm
Oh my gosh. I know exactly how you feel. My MIL pulls the same stuff. Always an angel in front of my hubby. I'm struggling with Christmas plans, and trying to keep my head above water. It's like they think we don't own our homes with our husbands. My MIL is such a control nut. I know how you feel. It's horrible! My IL's do not think of anyone ever but themselves. They never put themselves above anyone. It's very sad, because I am so easy to get along with, and I always wanted a good relationship with my MIL. Keep me posted.

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