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Registered: 03-27-2003
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Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:33pm
I need some advice & need to vent as well. I have had a tempestuous relationship with my SIL & now we mainly just stay out of each others way. That seems to work for now, but I know it's only a temporary band-aid. Anyways, we've had some very big run-ins within the last six months & I'm starting to get the impression that my MIL is now backing away from us & our kids. My husband has told her our side, but I know SIL has told her their distorted versions though. She's always chosen SIL's kids before ours, (although I think it was more of a guilt trip that was thrown on her)but I'm also wondering if I'm just being sensitive. She lives about 1.5 hours away, & when she comes to town, she almost always gos to SIL's house first (where she gets "tricked" into babysitting for hours at a time) & usually only stops at our house on her way out of town. That has been happening for quite awhile now, but it still bothers me. Last night, she called and asked my husband if she could stay the night (had to clean up one of bil's messes again). My kids were really excited & couldn't wait for her to get there (they don't see her that often), & she never showed up! She didn't even call or anything. I know she came into town, because she was seen by someone & her youngest daughter called our house early this morning looking for her. Should I say something to her? It really hurts my feelings, because whenever someone in his family needs help, we're one of the first people they run to & never ask for anyting in return, we bend over backwards for her, while the other siblings treat her like dirt, yet we seem to be the outcasts. Plus, my husband never wants to "cause" problems so he never says anything (which causes us problems) Help please.
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Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: twinmommy4
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:41pm
thanks for your input. I guess my expectations are too high when it comes to her. I just expect to be treated the same way as I treat them. I am definitely in the minority about this when it comes to my in-laws (and even my husband) though.

As much as I'd like to discuss this with her, I'm afraid of the tables turning on me. In the past, sil got upset because mil was spending more time with my kids instead of hers, and I don't want to come off that way. I'm not trying to hold a monopoly on her :D, I'd just like for her to call, visit, somthing with us. Things were not always like this with her, this is actually just recently. I have a strange suspicion that sil is telling "stories" about us (or me). That worries me, because if you listen to her, everyone else in the world is miserable except her & "we're" trying to make her miserable. :D Kinda comical when you listen to her. I realize that I'm probably starting to sound silly myself, but with everything that's been building up & happened within the last 8 months or so, it's not so far-fetched.

My husband has NO backbone when it comes to his family, and that is a major factor in the problems we have. He told me he had "seen the light" when the roles were reversed not too long ago & I put a stop to it immediately, but looks like nothings changed after all. When he ignores the situation, it makes me feel pretty worthless. I feel like he's more afraid of rocking the boat with them, rather than deal with the real issues that cause major problems for us. I realize no one's perfect & you can't pick your family, etc., but I also feel like I have no support with him & it makes me want to just throw in the towel sometimes.

I had already thought about doing that with the car, but I want to only do that as a last resort. Hopefully he'll call her tonight (he promised) & the car will be out of here by the weekend. If not, I will have to handle it my way.
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Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: twinmommy4
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:19pm
I think, for the future, you shouldn't *wait* to see what is going on with MIL, if you can't reach her, and she doesn't show up when expected, don't wait for her, just go do what you normally would. I have a feeling that there are probably a lot more problems with this family than can be seen on the surface. Like I said, you seriously need to lower your expectations of this woman, and even let her know when you make plans for her to visit, if she doesn't call or show up at a certain time, you will not wait for her. This is inexcusable behaviour from an adult, and shouldn't be tolerated. Your husband is also at fault here for allowing this to occur, as he should be the one to tell her. I feel for you, I really do, but I wouldn't put up with it for one minute, and would call her and let her know how I felt (what do you have to lose?). Oh, about the car, you can let her know that if it isn't picked up, that you will call a tow truck to tow it to the junk yard. ;) Good luck.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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In reply to: twinmommy4
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:24pm
well, here's an update. Mil never called, nor did she come by to pick up the junky car she left at my house. I was waiting for her to call to tell her how disapointed my kids were when she never showed up, etc., because I felt if i called her it was seem hostile. Anyways, I just found out that she had sil's kids all weekend. She even drove into town yesterday (couldn't wait for my bil to pick them up, & their parent's rarely pick them up, make her come and bring them)to drop them off. Did we hear from her?? Nope. What really ticks me off is that I was on my DH butt yesterday because i wanted him to call his mom to find out what the deal was with that car. Supposedly he's going to call her today, he was too "busy" yesterday. I am so angry!
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In reply to: twinmommy4
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 4:23pm
ok, I will let her know how disapointed the kids were, but just leave it at that. I don't expect her to change, don't really know what I expected though.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what really happened with my SIL. Personally I think she's just an angry person who is unhappy with her life, but that's just my opinion. The very first time I met her (she had lived out of town then) was at her son's first birthday party & she threatened to slap me because she said I'd given her a dirty look. Not exactly a nice way to start things off huh? ;D Like I've said, our relationship has been a rocky one, but when it really started getting bad these past few months was when my husband and I had announced we were getting married. It went straight downhill from there. I don't know if it was a jealousy thing (she's in a bad relationship) or if she felt I was taking away her brother (we've now been together 10 years & have 4 children & finally decided to make it legal). Matter of fact when we announced our date, she accused ME of planning it to ruin her mom's 50th birhtday celebration! The very next day after we announced our wedding date, she decided that all of the siblings needed to fork over 300 bucks for a birthday party for her mom (mom's b-day was in one month and no talk had been said about a party until we announced our wedding). When we tried to tell her we'd have trouble with coming up with the money at such short notice & so close to our wedding we'd planned, she hit the roof. It's just kinda sad really.
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Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: twinmommy4
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 4:00pm
I understand better where you are coming from, but I still think that MIL isn't going to change, no matter what. She's chosen her side, and it's firmly on that of her daughter. Maybe you can lower your expectations of MIL (so that you and your children aren't hurt by her actions), and even attempt to visit MIL more often at her home (planning it when SIL won't be there). You didn't mention what exactly the beef is between your SIL and yourself and why she acts the way she does towards you (and how does your husband feel about all this?). I don't necessarily like my SIL, and I tolerate her for my husband's sake (she showed up late and drunk to our wedding, and she and her bf (now fiance) were all over one another, just to give you a taste). We can't pick our families, and we can't pick our DH's families either, so we try to do whatever we can to manage. I wish you all the best!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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In reply to: twinmommy4
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:41pm
No, she was supposed to call last night & I was going to tell her then how disapointed the kids were, but she never called. Supposedly she's supposed to come to our house Saturday to pick up BIL's car that she dumped at our house (without asking I might add). If she does, I'll let her know then. I just don't want to call her at home, because I know it will come out like I'm accusing her of something. Make sense?

No, we cannot all get together. I will only be around SIL if there's a celebration of some sort. Otherwise, I really refuse to be around her. I know I sound bitter, but I've been through hell with her & the last few months were the worst. She has cussed me out in front of their family, spread vicious lies about me, & even had the nerve to call me at the hospital when my son's appendix burst to tell me off & basically let me know that she never liked me. That and the fact that no one will address how she acts, was the last straw. I am expected to stand up for myself when she acts this way & because I know it will get way uglier if I do, I prefer to stay away rather than ruin what little family harmony there is.

I do realize that MIL's prefer their own daughters to daughters-in-law, but it still hurts my feelings because of the difference in how MIL is treated by us & who she favors. We do go to MIL's house, but I do admit that we don't go very often because of the drive. When we do go, there is usually a get together that everyone goes to except SIL. We then wait for SIL to show up (which she rarely does) before eating. We'll usually figure out she's not coming by 8 or 9 at night. Now, can you see what I'm dealing with here?
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Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: twinmommy4
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:12pm
Have you ever told her that you and your children were disappointed that she didn't come to visit? I think you could bring this up in a way that is not accusatory, but in a way that conveys to her how much you enjoy her company, and would love to spend some quality time with her. It does seem like she's overly concerned with your SIL and her family, and yes, probably for the reasons noted previously. I think you should also look at the bright side, your family is self-sufficient and can handle your own issues, and hers is not, and cannot. I'm sure your MIL is very worried about your SIL and her children, and that is why she feels she must spend the time there. Is there any way that all of you could get together (MIL, SIL and family, and your family) so MIL doesn't have to do all this visiting? Have you ever gone to MIL's house for a visit (with or without SIL's family being there)? I know that my mother feels more comfortable in her own daughter's house, than in her daughter's-in-law, do you sense any unease when she comes to visit with you? These are just things to think about. Good luck!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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In reply to: twinmommy4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:32pm
You made some really good points that I hadn't even thought about. Our family is pretty self-sufficient and does not require "help" from her on a regular basis. Only very rarely do we need her to baby-sit & we always make sure to "ask" her and give her plenty of notice ahead of time. We are in fact the total opposites of my husbands brother & sister & that is probably why she does need to spend so much time with them. I guess I just wish that we were treated the same as they are, regardless of whatever crisis is going at with the others. It bothers me that they will basically treat her like dirt while we do anything we can for her only to have to "choose" them before us. Am I just being selfish? I must admit that I'm an only child & have never had to share my mom with another sibling.

As for the little things, I know for a fact that my house is more than enough welcoming for her, in fact my MIL has told me in the past how badly SIL's husband treats her when she's visiting them, in addition to the constant fighting going on at that house, etc. Their home is just not a happy home at all. I will however make sure I let her know that we'd like to see her more often though. Thanks for the tip.

I must admit that one detour may be because I refuse to go to SIl's house. I know it's a conflict for my husband, & now that I think about it, it has to be for MIL too. Unfortunately I'm not ready to back down on this one, she's gone too far in how she treats me & I refuse to continue to let her walk all over me like she's done in the past & with others.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: twinmommy4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:10pm
First step may be not to read too much into it. Your MIL hasn't specifically told you that she wants to see you less. She may just be too deeply busy with the "mess" that's going on at this tempestous SIL's house.

My own Mom always paid much more attention to my two siblings because she knew (even better than I did) that they needed her attention. I don't know for sure if that is what is happening with you. Think about whether it is possible.

And you also want to think about the little things. Like whether your guest room and your home are truly comfortable for her. And whether you make it clear enough how much you want her to come. If you are doing all of those things right, then she'll probably come around eventually. Good luck.