newlyweds and family

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
newlyweds and family
5
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 8:38am

Helly! We have been just married for a month, living together for 3 months. I moved to a new country to marry him. His family is great, they were supportinve all the way but his mother and his aunt are putting too much pressure on my husband and stress him a lot. For example they came over to out house last night and the whole conversation consisted of telling him what he needs to do. For example we are renting right now, they keep on telling him he needs to buy a house. I am currently nor working because I do not have a work permit yet (will have it soon I hope) but they keep on telling him that I should be working and they keep on offering to help me find a job but they know that it would be illegal for me to work without my permit. After they left last night, he told me that he is thinking about telling them not to come over anymore and that he is not going to his mother's house anymore. I do not think that is the solution, I mean they stress me out too but I could never cut out family just because of this. Also, I am pregnant and they do not know that yet. I don't even want to tell them because then they will start telling him what to do for the baby. I just think it is too invasive they way they act

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 9:06am

Congratulations on your new marriage and baby on the way!

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 10:12am

Hi Sunnyside up in Rome - Guess we know where you loved - LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 12:28pm

I am very friendly with his family especially his mom. I could possible speak to her about it but I do not want to hurt her feelings and I think I might if I say something because she is very close to her son. She already knows that she stresses him out because he tells her. I think we just need to find a way of not allowing this get to us. I am little tougher than my husband and he gets upset very easily. One time he was so stressed that he even cried. I felt so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 12:33pm

My husband has tried talking to them and just say how we will make our own decisions and that we know what are doing and what is best for us but it escalated into an argument. I think his mom has a hard time letting go that her son in grown up and starting his own family because he was not very responsible when he was younger. But he is definitely different know and thinks about our future and has savings and even education fund for our future children but she still thinks of him as a child. I mean he was kind of a mama's boy, I mean what italian man isn't but he definitely grew out of it and I think that is the problem.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 3:07pm

Congratulations on your recent marriage, and on your pregnancy.

Just wondering, but is this a cultural thing? Is some cultures it is the norm for the extended family to freely give their input into how everybody should live their lives. I'm guessing that you are living in Italy? Have you made any friends that you could ask about this, if it is common for parents to give unsolicited advice and if so, how do people usually deal with it if they don't want to take the advice?

You're right that cutting ties is not the answer. Family is very important, especially when you add another generation.

My husband's family is like this. Everybody has an opinion about what you do and how you do it and they don't mind telling you! They argue (sometimes loudly) but they get over it quickly and rarely hold a grudge. The ones that asked the parents for help get more "advice", its like the parents think that giving help years ago entitles them to continue trying to run your life. The adult "kid" has to be very firm that s/he does not want the advice---so your dh is going to have to be strong about this. You too need to be assertive with them. Let them know that you appreciate their concern but you guys will do things in your own way. Eventually when they see that you and he can manage your life they may back off. And when he becomes a father they may view him differently, finally as an adult.

And when they find out you are pregnant they may shift the concern and advice to you. Good luck with that!