The perils of OVER visiting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
The perils of OVER visiting
28
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:06am
My in-laws live in St. Louis, MO. We used to also but 9 months ago we finally moved away to a city of our own (or so I thought). We moved to Texas and within the first 4 or 5 months, his father visited us on average 2 times a month. All the while I was desperately trying to unpack and get organized, as well as homeschool my three children. It was a very hectic time and nobody seemed to care about, or even notice, the added stress these frequent visits were creating. I quickly realized that these visits were not going to taper off, as I had thought they surely would, and so I decided it was time to do something about it. I told my husband I wanted just 6 months without having to have his father and step-mother visit us. I also asked him to agree to check with me first before he comitted to anymore visits from his parents. I explained that my husband was more than welcome to go and see them (his parents) if he desired but I needed some time to settle in, unpack and just adjust without having to prepare for yet another visit. One of the worst things about these frequent visits was that they would be arranged even without my knowledge and I would often be the last one to find out about them. Being that the brunt of the visit falls into my lap (clean the house, grocery shop, and just generally prepare for the visit in any way necessary) I felt it was very inconsiderate of my husband to leave me out of the decision making process when it came to deciding whether or not I was ready for another visit from them. He agreed to consult with me first before comitting to any more future visits. So, it's only been 4 and a half months and my husband has seen his father 3 times within that time (on his own) and he's back to planning another visit for his father to come! and the worst part is, I found out about it from my daughter! My daughter told me she didn't know that Grandpa and Grandma were coming for her birthday. I replied my saying that they weren't. She said, yes they are, they told me that daddy knows about it. You can imagine that it has caused a huge fight between my husband and I. He says there shouldn't be any problem with his family visiting as much as they want to. I disagree and feel like this will cost us our marriage. I try to tell him that this type of behavior would not be acceptable for 90% of married couples. He tells me I am wrong so I'm here to find out - what does everyone else really think? Please post SERIOUS responses only as I would like to be able to share these with my husband eventually. - Thanks


Edited 3/13/2007 5:55 pm ET by blessedwiththebest

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:05pm
I think your husband is worried about hurting his parent's feelings by saying, "No this isn't a good time for us" and has decided to put your feelings about this on the back burner. His parent's also seem oblivious or plain out rude to the basic principal of time and space..They continue as they do because they know he will continue to allow it. You could take the hard core route and make sure you are out of pocket the next time they come..forcing him to do the entertaining, cooking, cleaning etc. Or you could be civil and really try to covey the gravity of this situation and what it could mean for your marriage. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:23pm
Thanks for your thoughts. I think it is a dangerous move (not to mention, just a down-right bad decision) to put your parents' feelings before your spouse's. According to divorce statistics, it is also one of the top ten reasons a marriage falls apart. Thank you for your suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:52pm

What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if it were your parent(s)? Do you consult your husband everytime they come to visit? Do you consult about your friends, other relatives? May you could have Gramps take kids to park or for icecream and forget to give money. This way no hurt feelings and everybody wins.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:25pm
I wouldn't think of imposing any rules on someone that I wouldn't be willing to live by myself. We had a verbal agreement that neither of us would make any commitments or plans without consulting the other person first. I wouldn't ever consider inviting any of my friends or family without first talking it over with my husband. That's just a common courtesy. Furthermore, my own father wouldn't ever even entertain the idea of inviting himself time and time again - to the tune of two visits per month, on average - unless we extended the invitation first and even then, that would be a bit excessive for him! My father and I maintain a very close and loving relationship while seeing eachother 1-2 times per year. Married couples need a certain amount of privacy and space - they need boundaries, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with eachother and those around them. I think frequent visits like we've been experiencing do nothing but breed contempt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:43pm
Hey. My DH and I have a general rule of thumb...we check w/each other before we plan anything. On the weekends that we have two things to do (ie- bday invitations, plans, etc) we chose what we invited to first. I think that it is extremely RUDE of your husband to act like this. If he can't tell your inlaws the rule sorta speak, then maybe you should consider telling your inlaws the rule. That is your home too. You need to say something. You have given him a chance to tell them~ he obvisously failed. So, maybe you should tell them yourself. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:58pm
I think if your DH is having this hard of a time with his separation anxiety from his family of origin, maybe you should just pack his bags and send him back to them! ;o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 5:48pm
Thanks for your response because I would like to be able to share all of these anonymous opinions with him when we finally are able to speak to eachother about this again - right now we're just too mad to even talk to eachother. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband share the same type of rule. I just think it's a matter of common courtesy. I also think that it's a little presumptuous on my in-laws part to think that it's okay for them to invite themselves here for a visit as much as they have. I'm not asking my husband to choose his family (meaning me and the 3 children) OR his father, I'm asking him to choose his family AND his father - in the order designated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:10pm

It is not just common courtesy, but respect for your DW or DH~ whatever the situation. Maybe you need to tell him what I told my DH one time, I either have first place OR NO place in your life. He needs to realize that you are the one that he needs to make happy, NOT the parents. GOOD LUCK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:51pm

Please don't take this the wrong way but....... could this be a cultural thing? I mean I've lived in the country for most of my life. And making an appt. to see parents, in-laws, or who ever seems so forgien to me. I talk to my Mom atleast once a day. If I didn't she'd be calling the police. And if I ever told her she had to have an appt. to see me she'd say ya right! I mean you have alot in commom. They love your husband, you love your husband, they love your kids, you love your kids. Like I said I really don't understand this whole in-law bashing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:03pm

It doesn't sound to me like the original poster is wanting the in-laws to make an appointment. More like she'd like to know that company (even if it's family) is coming *before* he knocks on the door.

Instead of hubby dearest telling his dad to come on down, wifey will host you, arrange your visits with the kids, feed you and clean up after you, oh I don't need to let her know you're coming, just surprise her! she'd like her husband to either ask if this weekend is okay for her *BEFORE* telling his dad to come on down or at least let her know as soon as *HE* knows his dad is coming for a visit.

There may be an element of wishing he'd only come once per month.

I could be wrong,but that's how it sounded to me.

ilve2read

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