Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Please Help!
5
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:11am
I have been married for two years have two boys Ryan (11) and Kyler (1).Ryan and I moved 300 miles away from our very close family and friends.Ryan is from a previous relationship.Before I got married I told dh that I expected Ryan to be treated the same as the baby(at the time I was already a few weeks pregnant)and he agreed.Well when we first got here his mother and sister (father diesd years ago)were nice to us and led me to beleive that they were intrested in getting close to ryan such as doing things with him attending his sporting events and showing him around the area.When my parents came to visit before the baby was born they acted like they were excited about going to ryan's football games and they couldnt wait for the baby so they could babysit and so on.Well to make a real long story short they have done nothing at all but make my son and I feel as we are not a part of their family.I have had them over for dinner and the mother has said over and over again how lucky I am to have her son,she said to dh now that you have your own family you wont have time for us anymore,she said go get my son some coffee I want to see you wait on him needless to say I told her she will be waiting along time before she sees that!I have cooked many dinners for them yet never have they invited us to their home for dinner.The whole time I was preg. They knew i didnt know anyone in the area and they would call just about every weekend and ask my dh for a ride to the mall but never asked me to go ,never called me to see how things were going nothing.Well the baby was born and my family came and stayed and the sister and mother came to see the baby and acted like they were excited and talked about babysitting well when my family left they didnt call or even come see the baby.My son was born with infant reflux he cried all the time and never slept.One week was the worst week of my life I didnt sleep for days the baby was crying I had no one to help because i dont know anyone here my family is 300 miles away I thought I was going to have a break down!I know that dh mother and sis knew the baby was giving me a hard time (the mother lives right around the corner and does not work)they never called once to ask me if I needed any help but they did call at least 3 times for rides(neither of them drive)the sister has a boyfriend of 11 years but yet they called here for rides .They never even called and asked ryan to do anything.My mother had to come to help me because I ended up with broncitus.The most they have done is buy diapers here and there they do buy gifts for the boys birthday and christmas.Kyler just had his 1st birthday and my family came he invited them but they were busy so when my family left dh brought kyler to his mother house and they bought the baby way way more than they ever bought ryan.I told my husband that was wrong and he knows it is too.My husband has gone there and told them many of times to please get to know the boys so they can watch them for us so we can have some alone time but they never do.For my husbands birthday they gave him money and gifts for mine they mailed me a card and thats it.They didnt even call to say happy birthday.My husband does everything for his mother,takes her food shopping every week,mows her yard ,shovels her snow,takes her to doc. appointments if she calls for anything he is there for her.They never call to see the baby or ryan the only way they see them is if my dh brings the kids there which isnt that often.They only call here if they need something never to see how things are going.I cant take it anymore!!!I told my husband that I want nothing to do with them at all.I called my mil and tried to find out if there was something wrong and told her that all of this was hurting my dh but nothing ever became of that either so I gave up.I have anger towards my dh i feel that he should have went to them and said what is wronge with you people you dont treat my family that way and i also feel that he should tell them to go take a hike!Here he has begged them to take part in our children and they basicly tell him to go fly a kite but yet he should run to their every need?I feel like this is going to destroy our marriage.I cant get rid of the anger everytime the mother calls for something and he goes it makes me sick and alot of the time we end up fighting.Please help me am I wronge to have this anger?What should I have done or what should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: macksabratt
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 11:15am
Hi

In my opinion you have every right to be angry. I would be too.

I think you need to sit down with dh and really explain how you feel.

Hopefully he see's things your way. He needs to stop doing so much

for his mom if she's not going to be there for you guys. I think he also

should try to talk to his mom,And let her know how you guys feel. The kids &

you should be his #1 priority. As for the B-days if they dont come

when you invite them . Dont invite them I'll bet you'll get a rise out

of them .Then just simply state You havent come when I invite you, so I

took it the hint and saved myself a stamp. (Ive done this to an in-law

they were not happy lol). Is there anyway you can relocate near your faimly?

Your dh needs to stick up for you and the boys. I hope things work out

for you.I would stop inviting them for dinner too. The comments would drive

me nut's. Is there a moms club you could join, to find some friends to help

you out,or a nearby teenager you could have babysit? Try to keep your head up.

I feel your frustration. hope things get better good luck sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: macksabratt
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 11:58am
I sure wish I could relocate but we can't at least not now.My dh has talked to them many of times and told them how we feel but they never change.I have never heard of a moms club and not sure if there is one in this area(near allentown,PA).I do agree with you we need to find a babysitter.My husband knows how I feel I have told him many of times and I guess thats why I get so angry I feel that he should have told them how wronge they are and if they can't accept us all then they need to take a hike but thus far he has not done that,and as time goes by I get more and more frustrated as I see him jump to their every whim.I sure would never allow my family to treat him as his has treated me and my boys.I sometimes feel like packing up my boys and leaving even though I love my husband.I don't know how much more I can take and I hate having this anger.Thanks so much for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: macksabratt
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:05pm
Hi Macksabratt!!! Welcome to the board!!!

I think you need to tell DH how you feel. Just flat out tell him. I think they should be more fair about the kids, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Can't make

people do something they don't want to do.

Also, there was a statement in your post to the effect that they should get to know the kids better so they can babysit. It would be nice if they could babysit, but I don't think that you or DH should expect them to. If tbey aren't making an effort with equal treatment with gifts, etc. they probably aren't going to babysit.

I think the best thing is to stop expecting that they will treat both of your children the same, and to lower your expectations as far as what they will or won't do. I think you are only hurting yourself by being angry. I understand your anger, but they are going on with their lives, and you are angry, etc. I have realized that lowering my expectations is a good thing. There are things that I used to get angry about that no longer bother me.

Avatar for tinderdoc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: macksabratt
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:42pm
hey macksabratt! Just reading your story makes me tired and frustrated for you. It sounds like you've said and done everything you can with your DH in regards to your IL problem. You may have to do exactly what you said you don't want to do. I'm sure that if you pack the boys up and leave, your DH will take notice - you've had enough, and you can't take anymore. If that doesn't prompt him to take action, I don't know what will. This is just my opinion, I'm sure others feel differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: macksabratt
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 7:24am
I know what your saying and agree but it is so hard to not be angry and trust me I can't stand the feeling it sucks the life out of me.How did you let go of the anger?I seem to do fine but then they will call again, and there goes my husband running to do whatever they need.I have never in my life felt like this and wish I didn't now but it won't go away.I think the problem may be that I am home so much and have way too much time to dwell on it.I know I will never be around them because I can't forgive the crap they pull on my children or me but I do need to forget it!Thanks alot!!!