Racial issues/Am I wrong?
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Racial issues/Am I wrong?
| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 9:31pm |
Do I have a right to be insulted, angry,disapointed? My step daughter is going back to her mothers house tommorow. We wont see her till spring. My husband and I were thinking of something we ( 3 other kids also) could do together. His mother calls and invites us to dinner at a local restaraunt. The last time I was around his mother was in March and she tried to fight me,seriously, tried to beat me up. She is a hard core drunk and dislikes me becasue I am white. Her boyfriend-the last time my kids were around him he called the white supremasists.And carried on IN FRONT of my children about them being in the KKK etc. They were 3 and 6 years old at the time. Also a horrible drunk. (My step daughter hates him but loves grandma. She has never told her dad any of this, she tellls me.)So when my husband asked if I wanted to go I said no, he asked why and I said I needt o protect my children. My son (8) over heard and asked why and I told him becasue there woudl be drinking there. That upset my husband. He asked if I wanted himto call and see if they are drinking, I said no.I told himt hat I was insulted that he woudl even consider aksing me. And that I realize it is his family and he can do whatever with them. BUT I am insulted, saddened and PISSED OFF that he would even consider asking me to be around a woman who refers to me during her drunk time as "white b*t!h"(75% of the time she is drunk)And his mothers long term boyfriend calls his daughter white girl. He said "that was two years ago" Am I over reacting. Becasue I really dont feel I am. I feel it is about time I stood up for myself and children. It makes me sad that she ( my stepdaughter) is going. She does not tell her father theese things. She is very passive. AM I WRONG TO BE SO UPSET?????

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No, you are totally justified. I am sorry and I am not telling you what to do, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. If I were treated like you and my husband still had anything to do with these racists, I would not be married to him anymore. He also needs to keep his child away from them.
I don't understand why this is even something for discussion. Would he be okay if your family called him derogatory terms for his race? Would he be okay if your family said nasty things about his daughter?
I think you're very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, right in protecting yourself physically and your children from racists. My BIL has the opposite problem when he visits my husband's family in that he's black, they're white and living in a small southern community which frowns on his relationship with my SIL.
If you don't stick by your guns, your kids are going to grow up thinking that kind of crap is allright. Especially if DH does nothing to support you on the subject.
You really need to sit down with him and calmly discuss your issues on the subject.
Good luck!!
When he came back from dinner, he told me that the moms BF was not there and there was no drinking. Honestly- so what- I still am insulted that he would even ask me to be around them. So this time was OK, wonderful. But what about next time??? How do I draw a frim boundary?
Well, perhaps you should have your family call him racist names and see how he likes it.
Of course that would not be right, but I cannot believe he thinks his mother and others acting like racist pigs toward the woman he married, is okay.
Good luck. I wouldn't live like that with a man who thought so little of me that his mother could call me filthy names and belittle me and it is fine with him.
It sounds like you've married into a family who, including your husband, considers you an outsider. I don't care a wife or husband's race, a married couple and their children should always be the main family unit. His first reaction should never be to isolate you or blow off your feelings as some manipulative plot. If he's still relying on Mom for money, you've got another issue right there as well.
I'd say you need to ask him what your place is in his eyes. It sounds like you're still the girlfriend in alot of respects and he hasn't faced up to what marriage really is. The family's drinking is an issue to tackle eventually sure, but I think mutual respect between you and DH should take a front seat. Not just on the racism thing, but with just a basic, "My wife/husband's feelings matter" thing.
I do not know what to do. I told him he HAS to go to counseling. I continue to ask him if he is going and he continues to say I dont know. I am emotionally tapped out. I had my first anxiety attack ever in my life.. I cant sleep I have lost 10 lbs. in a week. I can not continue this way. I am eating and sleeping better and have a much better hold on my emotions now. But I honestly do not know what more I can do. Any suggstions? Is it time to cut my cord?
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Mother in laws BF has been around a l o n g time.They are off and on alot. In fact at times my H considers him a father figure.His mom and the BF will drink and than physically fight and that is usually the break up for a month to three months and than it is back on. Unfortuantely all this is very normal to my Husband. Which in osme ways is the saddest part to me.
My H is the most abused adult child I have ever seen. She witholds her love alot. Tells him she wishes he died instead of his brother. And yet he told me once, while we were talking about counseling ( him going)That he knows I say theese things are not healthy-she is fine to him. That there's nothing wrong with his family. He loves his mom. And granted the extremely abusive situations are when everyone, including H is drunk. So the next day and the day after and so forth. IT is forgotten. Never spoken of again until they are all drunk again.
How long do I give him?? When do I say OK I asked you to go and get help(counseling) and you haven't...time for a divorce. When how long???? He actually thought of the idea before me but he wanted to be seperated during it and I said no, we need to do this together. I support him on everything. BUt if we seperated he would drink himself to death.
You know, I hate to say this but from the information you're giving me, I'd say yes, its time. At the very least time for a separation, so he can evaluate what is important to him. If he's saying he doesn't love you though, don't you deserve to be with someone who does?
Make sure you're financially ready to make the change, quietly make whatever arrangements you need, quietly contact a good lawyer (not out of the phone book ad, ask a friend or relative for a recommendation) and get everything you need into place before you discuss your intentions with him.
Its so not an easy thing to go through, but this is your life too and you deserve to have a partner in your life who will love and respect you. Your kids deserve to see you loved and respected so that they too will find partners who love and respect them.
Good luck, keep us updated.
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