Racial issues/Am I wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Racial issues/Am I wrong?
14
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 9:31pm
Do I have a right to be insulted, angry,disapointed? My step daughter is going back to her mothers house tommorow. We wont see her till spring. My husband and I were thinking of something we ( 3 other kids also) could do together. His mother calls and invites us to dinner at a local restaraunt. The last time I was around his mother was in March and she tried to fight me,seriously, tried to beat me up. She is a hard core drunk and dislikes me becasue I am white. Her boyfriend-the last time my kids were around him he called the white supremasists.And carried on IN FRONT of my children about them being in the KKK etc. They were 3 and 6 years old at the time. Also a horrible drunk. (My step daughter hates him but loves grandma. She has never told her dad any of this, she tellls me.)So when my husband asked if I wanted to go I said no, he asked why and I said I needt o protect my children. My son (8) over heard and asked why and I told him becasue there woudl be drinking there. That upset my husband. He asked if I wanted himto call and see if they are drinking, I said no.I told himt hat I was insulted that he woudl even consider aksing me. And that I realize it is his family and he can do whatever with them. BUT I am insulted, saddened and PISSED OFF that he would even consider asking me to be around a woman who refers to me during her drunk time as "white b*t!h"(75% of the time she is drunk)And his mothers long term boyfriend calls his daughter white girl. He said "that was two years ago" Am I over reacting. Becasue I really dont feel I am. I feel it is about time I stood up for myself and children. It makes me sad that she ( my stepdaughter) is going. She does not tell her father theese things. She is very passive. AM I WRONG TO BE SO UPSET?????

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 6:50am

No, you are totally justified. I am sorry and I am not telling you what to do, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. If I were treated like you and my husband still had anything to do with these racists, I would not be married to him anymore. He also needs to keep his child away from them.

I don't understand why this is even something for discussion. Would he be okay if your family called him derogatory terms for his race? Would he be okay if your family said nasty things about his daughter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 8:30am

I think you're very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, right in protecting yourself physically and your children from racists. My BIL has the opposite problem when he visits my husband's family in that he's black, they're white and living in a small southern community which frowns on his relationship with my SIL.

If you don't stick by your guns, your kids are going to grow up thinking that kind of crap is allright. Especially if DH does nothing to support you on the subject.

You really need to sit down with him and calmly discuss your issues on the subject.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 2:37pm
He says, well its my family. And accuses me of trying to take him away from them. That is not the case. But there is so much more to it. I am truly at my wits end. His mother tries to control him with money. Which, stupid me , I did not think he was taking from her. And she bought and pays for the cell phone. I told him WE will get our own and pay for our own. He said NO I asked why and he just said NO!! I dont know what to do anymore.He needs to realize that the apron strings need to be cut. Its been four years and YES he has improved but.. come on!! Any help would be great.
When he came back from dinner, he told me that the moms BF was not there and there was no drinking. Honestly- so what- I still am insulted that he would even ask me to be around them. So this time was OK, wonderful. But what about next time??? How do I draw a frim boundary?
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 2:47pm

Well, perhaps you should have your family call him racist names and see how he likes it.

Of course that would not be right, but I cannot believe he thinks his mother and others acting like racist pigs toward the woman he married, is okay.

Good luck. I wouldn't live like that with a man who thought so little of me that his mother could call me filthy names and belittle me and it is fine with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 3:00pm

It sounds like you've married into a family who, including your husband, considers you an outsider. I don't care a wife or husband's race, a married couple and their children should always be the main family unit. His first reaction should never be to isolate you or blow off your feelings as some manipulative plot. If he's still relying on Mom for money, you've got another issue right there as well.

I'd say you need to ask him what your place is in his eyes. It sounds like you're still the girlfriend in alot of respects and he hasn't faced up to what marriage really is. The family's drinking is an issue to tackle eventually sure, but I think mutual respect between you and DH should take a front seat. Not just on the racism thing, but with just a basic, "My wife/husband's feelings matter" thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:06pm
I completely agree. And I think that I am just going to have to come to grips with it. I think now, it is inevitable that we will end up divorced. His family does not even acknowledge me, if he shows up and I am not there-they dont even ask . It is truly tham and than me . I am not considered his family. And unfortunately, by his actions I think that is also what he thinks. He now is saying that he does not think he is marriage material and than being married is to hard. but when I ask of divorce he doesn't want one. And when I asked him when he stopped wanting to love me- he said he didn't know . But that it was a long time ago. I am at a loss. I dont know what to do. Through out are entire realtionship (4 years) I have never given up. I think I have now. Unfortunately it is going to kill me to not see my stepdaughter anymore (daughter to me) And will hurt my kids. When he moved out for two weeks my middle son cried himself to sleep. It was more painful to him than I think losing his biological father.
I do not know what to do. I told him he HAS to go to counseling. I continue to ask him if he is going and he continues to say I dont know. I am emotionally tapped out. I had my first anxiety attack ever in my life.. I cant sleep I have lost 10 lbs. in a week. I can not continue this way. I am eating and sleeping better and have a much better hold on my emotions now. But I honestly do not know what more I can do. Any suggstions? Is it time to cut my cord?
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 9:01pm
I would ask him how would he feel if you were to start calling his mother and everyone else nasty names, be it racist or otherwise. Give him some examples. Ask him how he would feel if your family called him names for not good reason other then they are classless, heartless, racists? I bet he wouldn't like it. I would also ask him who is more important, you or his Mother. You need to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your kids from those racists pigs. I wouldn't be surprised if they started calling the kids names. They sound like the type especially the bf. I would like to know why is his Mother's bf treated better then you? Is it because he is her drinking partner? Life is too short to put up with people like that. Yes I know that it would be hard on your kids if you divorced, but which is better. You being divorced, and happy, or them having to watch Mommy get ripped apart, and called all kinds of hateful, ugly names? If they grow up around this they will think that its okay to talk to someone that way. Is that how you want them to treat their future spouses, and other people? Probably not. I think that you and your Dh need counseling. If you have to give him an ultimatum counseling, or divorce. Ask him how he would like seeing his kids only on the weekends. Good luck. Keep us posted. By the way his family and the bf make me sick.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:54pm
I pretty much have given him the ultimatim. (think I spelled that wrong LOL ) My kids have not been around them since the incident where his moms BF called them skinheads,etc.. BUT I think if it were to come down to it.. He wo udl say that his mom is more important. I mean.. dont you think that is what he is saying non verbally anyhow??
Mother in laws BF has been around a l o n g time.They are off and on alot. In fact at times my H considers him a father figure.His mom and the BF will drink and than physically fight and that is usually the break up for a month to three months and than it is back on. Unfortuantely all this is very normal to my Husband. Which in osme ways is the saddest part to me.
My H is the most abused adult child I have ever seen. She witholds her love alot. Tells him she wishes he died instead of his brother. And yet he told me once, while we were talking about counseling ( him going)That he knows I say theese things are not healthy-she is fine to him. That there's nothing wrong with his family. He loves his mom. And granted the extremely abusive situations are when everyone, including H is drunk. So the next day and the day after and so forth. IT is forgotten. Never spoken of again until they are all drunk again.
How long do I give him?? When do I say OK I asked you to go and get help(counseling) and you haven't...time for a divorce. When how long???? He actually thought of the idea before me but he wanted to be seperated during it and I said no, we need to do this together. I support him on everything. BUt if we seperated he would drink himself to death.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 11:37am

You know, I hate to say this but from the information you're giving me, I'd say yes, its time. At the very least time for a separation, so he can evaluate what is important to him. If he's saying he doesn't love you though, don't you deserve to be with someone who does?

Make sure you're financially ready to make the change, quietly make whatever arrangements you need, quietly contact a good lawyer (not out of the phone book ad, ask a friend or relative for a recommendation) and get everything you need into place before you discuss your intentions with him.

Its so not an easy thing to go through, but this is your life too and you deserve to have a partner in your life who will love and respect you. Your kids deserve to see you loved and respected so that they too will find partners who love and respect them.

Good luck, keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 11:03pm
He didn't come home last night. He walked in at 8:30 this morning. Than tonight he packed his stuff to leave. (of course there is alot more in between, but I am emotionally exhausted right now) My oldest son, 13 hid his bags from him. And cried and cried.Than insisted that I take him to his dad's house.WHAT DO I TELL MY KIDS?????

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