rude daughters in law

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
rude daughters in law
21
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 8:26pm
It seems I'm going to be the bad one here, but I'm speaking for myself as well as several friends who have married sons. We honestly feel as if we were labeled evil MIL's way before out daughters in law even were married, when they hardly knew us. We're totally perplexed. We didn't treat our MIL's this way. It's not just rude, we feel we're totally ignored. Our DIL's don't talk to us. Mine is sarcastic, doesn't look at me when we speak, only is around me when she needs a baby sitter. I travel several hours to baby sit at their house. She makes it clear she doesn't like being at mine. I live in an upscale resort town (they live in an even more upscale town), but I always feel I'm not good enough for her. I'm not thin enough, elegant enough, interesting enough. It's very upsetting. I never give advice. I never criticize her. I try to be very complimentary. I obey her instructions to the letter when it comes to the children. I'm never offered a meal or anything. Once she was angry when I showed up early, but it's hard to judge the time around a 2+ hour drive through a major metro area. It's clear that I'm free to leave as soon as they don't need my services anymore. She lives near her family and sees them almost every day. I never get invited out to dinner and when I stay to babysit for several days, her family never even calls to say hello or to see how I'm making out. The children seem to adore me, and I know my son cares a lot for me, but I always feel like absolute crap when I leave there. What to do?

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 11:36pm

Talk to both her and your son together. Get to the bottom of this once and for all. Tell them both, not just your son.

Sounds like you at least try. That is more than my MIL has done, and my DH's sisters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 1:22pm

It's sad. Some women CREATE the MIL/DIL conflict, because the whole "dreaded MIL" stigma is so so prominent. I remember reading once where a woman was writing how her sons fiance was a tad stand-offish while they were dating and engaged, and for a wedding pressent, she cut the ties off of her well worn apron, had them cleaned and pressed and laid in a long box sort of coffin style. It came with a note saying the Apron Strings were cut, and here is the transfering of "Priority Woman" in her sons life. She went on to write how her new DIL cried and said something about a huge weight of doubt and suspission being lifted. Their relationship is now just wonderful. I always remember it, and plan on doing that exact thing when my own DS is getting married.

Or, sadly, it could be that your son married a liberal feminist man hater and she doesn't give a damn about her husbands feelings about his mom, and would call him a mommas boy if he dared speak up to her about being more kind and inviting towards you and less cold and babysitter using of you.

" I stay to babysit for several days, her family never even calls to say hello or to see how I'm making out."

You were expecting HER family to call you and see how you were doing watching the kids? Seems kinda silly to me. It would also seem intrusive and based from critical intentions to me, I would be insulted and angry with my family if they called Dans mother to "check up" on her so to speak, implying that she wasn't capable. But maybe I'm wrong here.

If you want to attempt to change the situation for the positive, you could write her a letter. Not an email, too impersonal, but a hand written letter. Mostly swallowing all your pride, with the purpose of lightly kissing her butt. A bit of "perhaps I'm misinterpreting things" and "I want to have a closer mother/daughter type relationship and less "In-Law" type" and "If there's anything I've done that came across as offensive or critical or unkind I'm so sorry it was never intended" and "you're wonderful to my son, the best mother for my grandkids I could ever have hoped for and a blessing addition to our family" etc. etc. you get the gyst.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 2:00pm

I am on of those DIL's who just can't get along with the MIL. I've learned a few things on this relationship road.

People can only treat me badly if I allow them to treat me this way. Why do you allow them to be thankless towards your efforts. The would pay a babysitter, they can pay you by saying thanks. Don't let them blackmail you, "babysit or you won't see the kids". Plan other things for you to do with the kids, things on your time, or have their extended stays at your house, or don't do it.

Through all of this you say they do this and they do that, but in the end you say your son loves you. Which of those actions that you described is he not a participant in? Why does he get the get out of jail free card? Sounds to me IMHO that they are both being rude to you. Do not let her be the scapegoat. Maybe he doesn't want you around but doesn't have the guts to say it so she does. Just because he is your son doesn't mean he can't be rude.

I've been on both sides of this, both the scapegoat and the one who lets my H off easy and scapegoated his mother. The situation of her being horrible and you being perfect is not realistic, everyone must take responsibility in a bad relationship, including your son. Try to talk to them, or talk to a counselor but if you want to make it better you probably can.

You sound like you really love the kids, I'm sure you can work it out.

Good luck.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:04pm
hey there. I have to wonder if there was anything that you have done that really upset your dil at one time? May be during the wedding planning or the wedding? If there was any incident that she or your son has ever spoken to you about than maybe she is not over it yet. If there was such an incident, you should aplogize profusely in a way that she will know that you really mean it. Swallow your pride.
If there was never an incident, than you should try to approach the subject with them. You could leave a letter at their house for them to read after you leave from babysitting the next time. Relate to them in a very humble way how you feel like the post you wrote. Make sure you let them know you love them both.
Wait for a response. Your son should at least respond to you. No matter what the response, you will know that you honestly tried to make things better. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 8:33am
Thank you all for you help. I tried to be all "Wear beige and be quiet" for my sons weddings, was cheerful and had a lot of fun as far as I know. I obviously did something wrong somewhere. I'll ask but I'm terrified of confrontation (which is another whole discussion). I also just want to say that I know many moms of sons who have the same complaint--we feel we've been pre-judged! And the daughters are so close to their own moms, which is truly great, but they don't make any room for us at all. So please, out there, how much you love your children is the way we love ours, even if they're all grown up and our of our nest with families of their own. We're proud of them, glad they are out of the nest, and really don't want to go back in time and keep them dependent. We just want to be included and appreciated sometimes. We did raise them to be independent. We obviously did something right or you wouldn't have fallen in love with our sons! And I'm sure there are moms of daughters with the same problems. They say 20 doesn't know 40, and 30 doesn't know 50, and we 50's don't know 70 for sure, but we're all hopefully going to get there one day. So sometimes we all just need to hold our tongues, be patient, and remember we aren't the world--not the first, not the last, and not the center. And I would love to have more feedback!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:30pm

Lately I've been thinking about the women I know and wondering what ones of them will be problem MIL's. They seem quite nice to work with or know as neighbors, but who knows? I can see some things in their personality or preferences that are going to be problems. And I hope they will be able to overcome those things.

By the same token, I've seen some women that probably will clash with their in-laws. Sometimes it's not the in-law dynamic that will be the problem, but simply a difficult personality that must be dealt with. I'm wondering if that is what you are facing, zannepen. But I tend to think that anyone who pre-judges someone and doesn't give them a chance to prove themselves is a problem person to begin with.

I see a lot of people beginning their relationships with their in-laws with big expectations. Sometimes people think it will be one big happy family fest all the time and others that it will be a nightmare from start to finish. It would be nice if we could let go of those expectations and relate to one another on the basis of individual personalities. Maybe you could try approaching your dil in that way. Fingers crossed that she has a personality worth getting to know. ;)

Anyway, just some of the things I've been musing on lately as regards in-laws. >>>"So sometimes we all just need to hold our tongues, be patient, and remember we aren't the world--not the first, not the last, and not the center."<<< I agree with that statement. I think a lot of women should be reminded of this on a regular basis. (And yes I mean to say women as it seems to be a trap that I see more women falling into than men. Just my experience. YMMV. :P )

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 4:14pm
I know it is unfortunate but it just seems like alot of the time's family's seem to be closer to the wife's side. I love my in law's but and I think we are very fair with spending equal time with them as well as my family although to be honest I prefer spending holiday's with mine. Even though I love my in laws they just have a different way of doing things from what I grew up with and I prefer to do things the way my family does. Maybe your DIL just is more comfortable with her family. Regardless she should not treat you the way she does. Whatever differences you two may have if any you are still family. You should be welcome at her house and it seem's like she does not make you feel that way. This sounds like kind of like a problem my mother is having with my brother and SIL. My brother use to call her a couple times a week and now only calls her when they want her to babysit. They are always with SIL's family but if my mother stop's by it's a big deal. I found out from my brother that SIL is worried the house will be a mess for my mother who is a perfect housekeeper. Anyways, I too suggested that my mother talk to them and tell them how she feel's but she does not want confrentation and is afraid it will just make things worse. I think that your best best is talking to them maybe invite them out to dinner next time you are visiting and tell them how you love them and your grandkifs and you feel like there is some tension and that you feel almost unwelcome when you come to watch the children. The worst that can happen is they get defensive but just try to stay calm. Maybe you can write them a letter if you are afraid to talk to them in person either way I think that you should try. I do feel bad that you (by you i mean a MIL) are always sterotyped against But what can you do but hope for your DIL to come around and if she doesn't and things dont work out with her I would just try to keep a nice relationship with your son and your gk. After all for whatever reason your son chose this girl and unfortunatley we dont get to pick our family members. Best Of Luck!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 6:55pm

I understand exactly what you’re going through. From reading both your posts, I also think you have got a pretty good handle on the situation. I'm just concerned about your saying that your DIL makes you feel like your not thin enough, or elegant or interesting enough.
You sound like an awesome person with a really good heart. I honestly think the way your DIL is acting has nothing to do with how you look or how interesting you are.

Here is a thought. Perhaps your DIL is displaying some guilt. Perhaps that is why she never looks at you when you speak. After all, she has to realize that she is taking advantage of your generous nature when she asks you to travel in order to baby-sit without ever offering to do something kind in return, like inviting you to a meal.

Who knows, perhaps your "goodness" is making her feel somewhat…. inadequate??

One thing I have learned in my travel through this life is that when someone acts or speaks to you in a way that is hurtful........more often than not, it has nothing at all to do with you or what kind of person YOU are. It has to do with their own issues and frustrations, and some people are unable to cope without inadvertently taking it "out" on someone else.

All we can do is stay true to ourselves. I do think I completely understand what it is that you and I and your friends are missing from our DsIL. In a word...... *Appreciation*.

Here's me with a MIL that told me to wait out front after her next son's wedding because they were going to take "family" pictures before leaving the church. My son(who was also in the wedding party) was not even included in the "family" pictures. I'm pretty sure I was just as much family as the bride in the photo. But, that's ok! That very same bride and I would both be asked to wait out front for the next wedding photo op, so at least I had company in the non-family section. Hmmmmmm

and it is because I remember all those moments and many many others just like it, that I try my best to never to act that way towards my own DIL. I've bent over backwards to be make certain that she knows we love her and care about her as a member of our family when she visits. We make an effort not to pry, or interfere and we refrain from being too clingy. Only to be treated like an intrution when we visit them? We are tolerated just a little better when we are needed for something like helping with a move. but not much.
If it were not for our son's appreciation, we would have stopped all this a long time ago.

As for my MIL now? She's widowed, but managing quite well on her own. We get along fine and she....*APPRECIATES* everything I do for her.

I'm sure you'll understand what I mean when I say my tongue must be a good deal shorter thanks to her....but she will never know that.

Forgiveness is something which is coming back into fashion, or so I've been hearing anyway. I'm pretty certain it is far better for the soul than retribution. ;-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 7:48pm
Wow--great to hear from more people. It's so nice to know I'm not alone here--or crazy. I'm sure my DIL is more comfortable with her own family, but I'm also sure my son is more comfortable with his--but we all have to give sometimes. My MIL and I had some real challenging times, too, but we kept at it and I guess I'll just keep at this one, too. She also was one to only have "blood" relatives in her pictures, never realizing how hurtful that was. I learned many things that I shouldn't do from my own parents as well as my in-laws.
Another thing is I'm all alone here--I only have my sons left in my family. My DIL's both come from bigger, close families and I'm sure (and have been told)that that's a lot more fun at the holidays. I'm sure it is. Sort of like the scenes in "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding", but it also sort of exagerates the aloneness here sometimes. I try not to let it. I've moved all major holidays to another day and still we don't get to celebrate them much, but it's a start and we are trying. Thanks for all the support. You all sound terrific!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 7:52pm

Hi, I guess by now you realize that this isn't about whether you're the mil-fil-dil or sil. This board is here for all of us and respect and caring is a two-way street.

It sounds to me like your dil is being very rude to you and my advice is that you talk to her about it. I suggest writing about it in a journal for awhile to really get perspective on it. It doesn't seem like the kind of situation that's just going to disappear. Then, I suggest you talk with her, starting with why she won't look at you when she talks to you. I think you'll get more information from this encounter that will help you see things more clearly.

I know it can be scary to confront people in our lives but I think it's necessary sometimes for our own wellbeing and for their good too. I used to be frightened of confronting people but after doing it several times I now have confidence in myself with it. It will cause your adrenaline to race and butterflies in your stomach just like stage fright and that's o.k. Just let that give you the energy to do what need to be done. Fears may come up like for you, it might be that she cuts you off from your grandchildren. But in the end, it's far better to confront people in our lives than to let them tear us down. I find it helps to trust in God that he wants what's best for all and that he supports me in learning to stand up for myself.

Whether or not you've done something "wrong" doesn't give her the right to treat you rudely.
I suggest being direct and honest with her about how you feel and try bringing up just one or two things that bother you at first. Something along the lines of, "I've been wondering why you don't look at me when you talk to me." and "I feel like you only want me to babysit for you and then you just want me to leave when you come back. It's making me feel like I'm just being used." I also have found that when confronting someone it's important to stay calm. If I feel myself getting angry or excited I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I feel good about the encounter even if the other person reacts badly when I keep my cool the whole time and it's more likely to end positively if I don't allow myself to escalate and enter their drama-trauma if they go that route.

How she reacts will hopefully fill in some missing info for you. Obviously something's quite wrong if you leave there feeling bad every time. Listen to your intuition.

Good luck and keep us posted,
Can't be contolled

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