Selfish wife or concerned mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Selfish wife or concerned mom?
26
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:14am
A couple of weekends ago, my son burned his hand (2nd degree burns) on our stove while under the care of my DH, MIL and BIL. DH called me up and told me about the situation and told me that our son was screaming for me. Upon my return, my son was screaming so loud, that it could be heard from outside of the house. I ran in to take a look and was upset to find my in-laws and husband drinking vodka and playing X-Box while our child was in agony. I was wondering if that is why he burned his hand. They were kinda passing him around and saying, “there’s nothing we can do.” Before I reached home, my MIL slopped anti-biotic cream all over the burn and told me there was “nothing you can do” about the situation. Looking at the burned/blistering hand, my first response was to go to ER but I was chided by DH as being an “over reactive” mother about the situation. Of course MIL told me once again “What can you do?” They continued to drink and play while I ran around the house looking for a small bucket to place his hand in cool water and to put some silver sulfacide on the burn. Trying to comfort my son, I kept wondering why none of them even considered calling a doctor or taking him to the ER. I was so upset and grew more aggravated by their socializing and talking my ear off about office gossip and other things that meant nothing to me while my son was crying in my face. I took him to the doctor the following day only to get raised eyebrows about how he needed to get on oral antibiotics right away to prevent infection and “how come you didn’t take him to the ER?”, etc. I almost felt like the situation was growing suspicious of me especially when I took him to daycare and people were stunned that I didn’t take him the ER right away. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital on my gut feeling and for being so angry with them. I know accidents happen, but their lack of taking the seriousness of the situation disturbs me. I’m apprehensive about leaving my child with my MIL and BIL and my DH won’t hear about hiring a babysitter since they are more than willing to watch him and how experienced my MIL is since she raised 4 kids of her own, etc. My husband also encourages them to have wine, beer or spirits while watching our son against my wishes. It always becomes a big fight since his family has drinking problems and I don’t think that should be around young children. Am I a selfish, nag of a wife to be criticizing his family not wanting to let them supervise or am I right to have reservations about having the in-laws over to baby-sit?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:20pm

Your husband is a Self Centered BABY!!!!!!!

His line "My husband is a pain in the neck about wanting his way about getting a vacation, going out to eat - time alone with me." Is just his way of pressuring you. He Clearly doesn't want to be bothered at all with your son.

You need to tell him you would love to have a vacation but until you are secure in your son's child care it will from this point forward be a FAMILY VACATION MEANING THE 3 OF YOU ONLY or Better yet YOU AND YOUR SON ONLY so your husband can GROW UP/CUT THE APRON STRINGS AND BE A MAN!!!

I agree that you need to lay down the law - heck talk to an attorney/law enforcement officer (you could always say you are doing research) on what constitutes neglect/abuse/endangerment and what are the penalties. Explain to your husband that since what happened fell under the title of ____ in the eyes of the LAW and the Penalty could be ______. You will not let ANYONE OTHER THAN LICENSED AND INSPECTED CHILD CARE PROVIDERS CARE FOR YOUR SON. IF he doesn't like it - you HAVE TO PUT YOUR SON FIRST HE IS TOO YOUNG TO DEFEND HIMSELF - Tell your DH to LEAVE and make sure that you keep copies of the Doctor's report and all your documentation. Yes even document when your husband watches him. Heck you can always call it a "Childhood Memory Trail" (a friend did this and told everyone that she wanted her son to have a biography of his life and this way she didn't have to rely on memory - She documented EVERYTHING (Clothing/Temp/Food/Diapers/Injuries/Playtime/people/conversation/activities/Good/Bad/ETC...)) Granted she was obsessive at times but it was needed in her case. By documenting even when she cared for their son she showed no bias in the eyes of the court. You might have to leave him to protect your son and that is what is important your son NOT ANYONE ELSES FEELINGS!!!

Frances


Proud Wife & SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:29pm

Well, I do not envy you your position. Your son has only one grownup concerned with his health and well-being, and his daddy ain't it.

I know it won't be easy, but your little boy needs you to be his advocate even against his own daddy.

Your husband's behavior leaves you no choice, do you think he would hear you if you put it that way? He and his mother have shown that they are unwilling or incapable of keeping your son safe, and should be relieved of that responsibility. It's not about raising a wimp versus raising a "tough guy" who won't let himself feel anything, it's about keeping a little boy safe until he can take care of himself.

Why do you have to convince your husband to use a different babysitter? Is it because he'd whine and cry about his mommy feeling hurt? Can you tell him too bad, so sad your baby's safety is more important?

I do wish you the very best, here's hoping your hubby pulls his head out of you-know-where and accepts his position as capable parent and committed husband.

{{{{hugs}}}}

ilve2read

PS would he hear a police officer describing the minimum care required to keep him out of jail? Either way, do please document each occurance of neglect. You may need it someday to protect your son.

I hesitate to intrude on other people's reproductive issues, but please, please, please make sure you don't get pregnant with this guy. It's hard enough keeping one baby safe, it'd be near on impossible with more.

PPS, last one, promise! If he's into cars at all, use the analogy of taking proper care of the car - oil changes, tuneups, etc - to get the point of preventative health care across to him. If he's the kind to drive a car 'till it breaks then throw it away and get another, then never mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:48am

You, as his mother, are absolutely within your rights to impose *whatever* standards you see fit when someone else is looking after your child. *Don't* let yourself be bullied by DH - who I am sure means well, but he's torn between his own views, his loyalty to MIL & BIL, and you, whereas you seem to be the clear-headed one focussing on your child. Try not to get angry or upset with DH, but please, please do stick to your guns on this one. You are not going to feel happy or comfortable leaving your son in their care and always *always* listen to your gut instinct when it comes to your child's well being.

This is going to be tough, because your DH is not going to like it, but you really need to sit down with DH and lay out your concerns. If you do it in a calm and reasonable way you can't be accused of being hysterical or whatever: just stick to the facts and your feelings about the facts (your son got hurt, and whilst you appreciate accidents happen and you weren't blaming anyone, you were really unhappy with the care he got after the accident, and you no longer feel you can trust them to look after him properly). If this was a paid daycare provider you'd put him out of there so fast their heads would be spinning. You should expect no less from relatives.

And I don't care if MIL raised 104 kids, *you* are raising this one, and it is *your* responsibility to be happy with his care, not hers.

*hugs* because this is going to be tough, but stick it out, it's important, and you won't rest until it's resolved

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:47am
I'm really glad to see that other moms feel the same way that I do. I don't envy my position either and it's starting to eat away at my marriage. My husband has a really weird allegiance to his family and can't see their problems and how they really are. Whenever I complain about their behavior, his comeback is always - "Fine, I know you hate my family and I will let them all know that you hate them so they know why they aren't welcomed in our home anymore. Happy now?" What a cop out. He pins it on me so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I don't hate them or care if they come over once in a while, but have some common sense for God's sake! He just doesn't want to set up any rules and see's my requests as "ridiculous and absurd." I'm not telling them they can't wear yellow shirts in my house because I hate the color yellow! Now that's a stupid request. My requests are pretty much cut and dry. Why are some men so afraid about setting up boundries with their families?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:17am

This going to go down even less well than you taking a stand over MIL watching your baby, but it does sound like you need some counselling. You two are not even speaking the same language to each other, and it sounds like you could do with a trained, unbiased third party to help you resolve the communication breakdown. He just isn't hearing what you are saying, and why? Only you and he can work that out, and what to do about it, but I'm guessing there are other, unresolved issues between himself and his family, and between himself and you, that are getting played out here. So it starts out a discussion about boundaries, and babysitting, but always winds up being a big fight about how much you hate his family and how unreasonable you are being, and how much of a baby he is being to not stand up to his mother....(is any of this sounding familiar??) And both of you end up entrenched in your corners and hurt and angry and upset, and you aren't actually resolving anything or achieving anything. And in the mean time you feel worried about your baby and that's adding to the stress levels.

Presumably you love your DH and would rather work this out properly, so you can have a good relationship and be a happy family and *be good parents to your son*, rather than continue fighting like this. And if he wants to spend time with you on vacations etc, presumably your DH loves you too. So you can use that as a bit of a lever. Make it clear to him that you love him, and want to spend time with him, and that you want MIL to have a good relationship with your son, but that if he wants that, then he is going to have to meet you halfway and address some of your concerns. MIL can spend time with her grandson when she's supervised, otherwise you just don't feel safe leaving him. You and DH can spend time together without your son *only* if you have a babysitter you can trust. Make it clear that this isn't about you hating his family at all, it is about what *you as a mother and a wife* are comfortable with. If he realises it is fine to both love his mother and realise her limitations as a babysitter then you two will stand a much better chance of being able to move forward on this. But it does all sound a bit hard and complicated for you to work out on your own, and I really do think you'd benefit from counselling.

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:46am
I've tried counseling alone and once with him which was a disaster. I was so embarrassed when he accused me and the counselor of ganging up on him. Not only did he jump out of his seat like a lunatic and screamed that he could not believe what he was hearing he also did nothing but laugh (annoying nervous habit) which aggravated the counselor and left me feeling like there is no way I can get through to him. I even offered letting him get a counselor because he felt like he was set up and he said no - doesn't believe in that "mumbo-jumbo psycho babble." I guess my options are pretty bad. I'm either going to have to leave him and pray the courts give me full custody or stay with him and suck it up to try and protect my son the best way I can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:20am
I strongly suggest that you and your husband see a marriage counselor. A neutral third party could be very helpful in helping your DH see that his behavior and attitude is very selfish and immature for someone with the responsibilities of husband and father.
My husband used to use the cop outs accusing me of hating his mother, even trying to kill her by making her so unhappy, etc. It took counseling and maturity for him to understand that we (him, myself, and our children) were not responsible for her happiness or lack there of or her blood pressure.
Your baby should be your number one priority until Dh can get on board and fulfill his responsibilities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:13pm

"I'm either going to have to leave him and pray the courts give me full custody or stay with him and suck it up to try and protect my son the best way I can. "


Now that's just a case of Sophie's Choice isn't it? You stay and protect your son, or you leave and then are forced to hand your son over to his father where you'll have no say. Document carefully, because you want to build up a super strong case towards having his parents be legally kept from being around your son when/if you do leave your husband. I think you'd be wise to speak with a Family Law attorney.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:00pm

"I've tried counseling alone and once with him which was a disaster. I was so embarrassed when he accused me and the counselor of ganging up on him. Not only did he jump out of his seat like a lunatic and screamed that he could not believe what he was hearing he also did nothing but laugh (annoying nervous habit) which aggravated the counselor and left me feeling like there is no way I can get through to him. I even offered letting him get a counselor because he felt like he was set up and he said no - doesn't believe in that "mumbo-jumbo psycho babble." I guess my options are pretty bad. I'm either going to have to leave him and pray the courts give me full custody or stay with him and suck it up to try and protect my son the best way I can."

You should leave this man unless he opens his eyes and sees how he is jeopardizing the well-being of his own child. This is not a man worth staying with and building a life around. This experience during counselling should have told you that you married a rather pathetic soul of a person. Irrational, impolite and stubborn. Worst combination in a person. Sorry that you're going through this.

One thing I would recommend is printing out all the replies you've recieved and showing them to him. He needs to understand that it is okay to love his mother WHILE realizing that he is a lousy babysitter and should NOT be trusted with a baby.
Drinking vodka while babysitting is not okay. Letting a baby scream for his mother for an indefinite period of time is not okay. Your MIL has definitely raised two children, however she seems to have forgotten the most fundamental rule: protect the child.
Show your husband all these posts and tell him that these are from outside people who have no vested interests in seeing your marriage fail or succeed. He is being a lousy LOUSY father.. In fact I will go as far as to say that men like him who cannot see right from wrong do not deserve to have parenting rights.
If you do go to court over this make sure you document everything. Talk to the hospital peope you brought your child to, and make sure that they remember the incident. Gather as many witnesses as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 4:08pm

I hope your son's burn healed well.

As someone else mentioned, the burn itself isn't so much the issue (could have happened with anyone) as their reaction, or lack thereof. Drinking vodka while watching a child should be a no-no anyway.

Your husband seems to have some issues with his mother. Not trying to play psychologist, but there's the whole apron-strings thing of apparently needing her approval. Your child's safety is paramount, and if reinforcing that hurts MIL's feelings, well, so be it. Kirsty offered some excellent advice on counseling, etc., in a previous post.

If it comes to the point that the ILs think you hate them (because that's what DH tells them), that is their loss, not yours. A child shouldn't be left screaming for hours, and putting a greasy ointment on the burn just intensified his pain. Where was her brain?

As a pp noted, document everything, because Child Protection Services might be notified. If arguments about the child's safety are a frequent occurrence, you might even need to obtain a mini-recorder and record the conversation so you will have auditory proof.

Good luck. You definitely need it.