Selfish wife or concerned mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Selfish wife or concerned mom?
26
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:14am
A couple of weekends ago, my son burned his hand (2nd degree burns) on our stove while under the care of my DH, MIL and BIL. DH called me up and told me about the situation and told me that our son was screaming for me. Upon my return, my son was screaming so loud, that it could be heard from outside of the house. I ran in to take a look and was upset to find my in-laws and husband drinking vodka and playing X-Box while our child was in agony. I was wondering if that is why he burned his hand. They were kinda passing him around and saying, “there’s nothing we can do.” Before I reached home, my MIL slopped anti-biotic cream all over the burn and told me there was “nothing you can do” about the situation. Looking at the burned/blistering hand, my first response was to go to ER but I was chided by DH as being an “over reactive” mother about the situation. Of course MIL told me once again “What can you do?” They continued to drink and play while I ran around the house looking for a small bucket to place his hand in cool water and to put some silver sulfacide on the burn. Trying to comfort my son, I kept wondering why none of them even considered calling a doctor or taking him to the ER. I was so upset and grew more aggravated by their socializing and talking my ear off about office gossip and other things that meant nothing to me while my son was crying in my face. I took him to the doctor the following day only to get raised eyebrows about how he needed to get on oral antibiotics right away to prevent infection and “how come you didn’t take him to the ER?”, etc. I almost felt like the situation was growing suspicious of me especially when I took him to daycare and people were stunned that I didn’t take him the ER right away. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital on my gut feeling and for being so angry with them. I know accidents happen, but their lack of taking the seriousness of the situation disturbs me. I’m apprehensive about leaving my child with my MIL and BIL and my DH won’t hear about hiring a babysitter since they are more than willing to watch him and how experienced my MIL is since she raised 4 kids of her own, etc. My husband also encourages them to have wine, beer or spirits while watching our son against my wishes. It always becomes a big fight since his family has drinking problems and I don’t think that should be around young children. Am I a selfish, nag of a wife to be criticizing his family not wanting to let them supervise or am I right to have reservations about having the in-laws over to baby-sit?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:11pm

If I were in the situation you described (without making any other assumptions or judgements above what you've told us), I would have a serious sit down with H. I would say that you want to have a serious discussion about your son's care and that your personal feelings towards your ILs are not to be brought into the discussion. I would tell him that you are disappointed that he did not take the initiative to realize that your son needed him. Your son needed him to be a responsible parent, not call you and tell you to come home, not ask his mom what he should do about his own son's burned hand, and certainly not to ignore his son's pain. His son needed him to step up and make a parental decision. I would then ask him what he would have done if it was his own hand he had burned that badly. Would he have put ice on it? Would he have called his mom and asked his mom what he should do? Would he have taken some type of pain medication? Would he have gone to the ER or gone to seek some kind of medical attention? Whatever he answers, you need to tell him that a child needs that and more, because he is a CHILD and he can't make that decision for himself, he expects his parents to look out for him.

I would also tell him that you understand that he thinks you are being too hard on his mother/brother. But he has to understand that you think he is not being hard enough. And the only way to come to a solution is for him to meet you in the middle somewhere. And then you two need to come to an agreement about where the middle is. He needs to put his family (you and son) before his mom/brother/whoever. Until he sees your side of this, then I would refuse to leave your son in his care...with or without his mother there to 'help' him.

Your personal feelings aside, it says a lot when you would rather leave your son with a babysitter than his grandma.

Good luck. I hope your husband is capable of sitting down and having a serious converstaion with you about this. And I hope you can find a solution. I also hope your son's hand is doing well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:16am
I appreciate everyone's feedback and concern especially for my little guy. His hand is back to normal and looks so much better. Thanks again for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:27pm

"My husband has a really weird allegiance to his family and can't see their problems and how they really are."

If his mother neglected him the way that she neglects her grandson, then your husband's behavior may be perfectly understandable. He didn't have a mom who protected, nurtured and loved him. So he hasn't had the chance to build the foundation of self that would allow him to become a true adult, ready to stand firm for who he is, ready to be a GIVING and protective father. When he was a boy, he didn't learn that his mom was there for him, he had to chase after her, give her things to get her attention. He is still doing that. He gives her his house, his beer, his baby... to get mommy's attention. And just like any greedy baby, he doesn't want to share YOUR attention with his son. He wants you all to himself. But this behavior of his is probably going to hurt your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 2:36pm

I would never let them watch my child again. Drowning in booze while watching a child???? Avoiding a hospital visit after a third degree burn???? Was it laziness or the fear that the hospital staff might smell the alcohol?

You didn't know what they were capable of before, but you know now. Screw what your husband thinks, your responsibility is to your son (and yourself). No ifs, ands, or buts. Personally I'd be darned if they ever set foot in my house again.

In regards to your husband's weird allegience, the more you assert your position of "The Mother" in your family, the more he should learn to respect that. I don't know how he's managed to get you to question your instincts, but no more!!

Stand Tall, Sister. You rule your home, not your inlaws.




Edited 2/9/2007 2:42 pm ET by patience_is_a_virtue
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 7:59pm

I feel for you. I had to deal with my ex like this when it came to my son, and I simply refused to let him watch my son.

Since your husband is always telling you that he will just call his family and tell them they can never come back over, and that you hate them why not just take the reins from him and do it yourself? Then he will not have a ‘trump’ card to pull on you. He tells you this to get you to back down and surrender so he does not have to change the dynamics of his family relationship.

Write her a letter and explain the gravity of the actions on behalf of all of them that night and tell her that she may have raised 4 kids, but your child will be raised the way that *you* see fit and no one else. If your husband has a problem with your wishes and parenting skills, then it is time for you to release him back to his mommy.

You should also understand that it is really important that you document all accounts of them being there even if you are. You should not allow them to watch your kid again and use someone you know will keep him safe and pay attention to what he is doing. Failure to make sure that the person you leave your child with is capable to do the job could actually land you in some hot water in the event something happens to your son, especially after this incident.

You love your child, and it would be insane for you to give in to your husbands whining and let them watch him only to get a phone call in the middle of dinner to find something else has happened and for you to end up being charged with criminal negligence because of a prior incident.

Tell your husband straight that either he has your child’s best interest at heart now and always or he can get out. Don’t let him bully you into doing anything that you know could harm your son. I would also tell him that if he wants to spend time with MIL and BIL he can do it somewhere else. Don’t allow them in your home or around your son anymore. He should be learning from a better example.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 3:51am
YOU are absolutely right. Obviously, drinking affects the way they judge crisis. Do what you can to make it stop.

 

 

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