Should I still marry him?
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|Fri, 04-27-2012 - 3:09pm|
I've lurked on this board for some time looking for advice through other's situations. But I've now come to a point that I'm ready to vent and get this all out on the table. It may seem a little overwhelming and jumped around, but this is something that has been going on for almost 3 years now. I'm not here to sugar coat my side or puposley bash STBH's parents. I'm just at a complete loss and don't know what to do anymore. To add a little note ahead of time...I work for STBH's dad.
I am 31 and have a 6 yr old dd from my first marriage. DF (fiance) is 36 with 2 dd's 5 & 8 from his first marriage. DF and I did start seeing each other before his 1 1/2yr long divorce was final. It was in his temporary orders that anyone he was in a relationship with could not be around his children until the D was final. So with that said, he lived at his parents house on his 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekends, as well as going over there on his Monday & Thursday dinners. Yes it was tough, but I understood legally there was nothing I could do about it. During his long drawn out D, DF's mom and I talked quite a bit and when his children weren't present we'd go to his parents house to visit. DF's mom is EXTREMELY opinionated and I learned that real quick in the beginning. But being respectful to her I just let most of it roll off of my back. Did some of it bother me? Of course, I'm only human.
DF's D was final. THE very day it was final his mom's whole demeanor towards me changed for the absolute worst. Mind you up to this point I haven't had any problems with his dad. Very loving and respectful, but also extremely quiet and reserved. DF's court time was at 9am and by 10:30 am she called me and said, "Well it's final, are you happy you got what you wanted?" (this was said in the most possible sarcasitc way). I simple said, "Yes I'm glad it's final." and got off of the phone with her. I was very hurt by her comment. Then not even an hour later she called again and said, "If you're in this to get married, then you might want to go and find someone else because his first wife ruined marriage for him." That was only the 1st day. She has constantly been taking stabs at me and leaves me and my dd out of everything. We are nothing to her, which is something I've just learned to live with. It is hard to accept at times, because my parents have whole heartedly accepted my DF and both of his kids. She doesn't just do and buy for my dd, she does for all 3. So when my dd is left out from his parents it hurts and my dd see's it.
When we were slowly bringing the kids together, i.e. meeting at the park, eating dinner...she would always call him about 2 hours into it and tell him dinner would be ready in about and hour and specifically say that there's not enough for me and my dd. What would he do? Drop me and my dd and go eat dinner. He felt he couldn't turn dinner down since she has allowed him to stay there on his weekends with his kids. This totally pissed me off to no end.
About a year ago, which was 7 months after his kids moved in and 10 months after his D was final I started a new job working for his dad. Everything was absolutely through the roof amazing with my job. His dad and I clicked, always had a good time and absolutely no confrontation at all. BUT...his mom was still taking jabs at me, being rude when we went over, or would try to call and stir up crap. Always wanting to talk about DF's ex and remind me of all the things they did together(which she bad mouth SO bad in the beginning). I understand DF had a life with his ex, just as I did mine. But I don't care to hear about every single detail. She would tell me about their vacations, their fights, anything that was important to her nosey self. I wasn't willing to ruin my job by bringing those things to work. I did start talking to DF more about it, as he wasn't seeing it when it was being done. He started paying more attention and would pick up on a few things. She liked to open her mouth up when it was just me and her and the guys where outside. More so, so DF wouldn't hear it. 6 months into my new job things got really bad with his mom. I was refusing to go over to their house and DF would get extremely defensive about it. But at this point she had hurt me so much, I was now protecting myself from this lady who obviously wanted to ruin me. That night DF said he had, had enough and he went to go and talk to his parents. His dad didn't have a clue about what was going on, but took DF's mom's side in a heartbeat. I was told I wasn't allowed to go and talk to them because they didn't want to hear what I had to say. Fine! DF said all he could and was over there for about 5 hours. The next day at work....EVERYTHING changed. His dad no longer talked to me unless it had to do with business.
Here I am 6 months after that and he's still barely talking to me. This past weekend we went by his parents to pick up some things and his mother acted like I didn't exist. Which I wouldn't expect anything different from her. It was frustrating but what can I do? Nothing.
Things have gotten worse over time and DF has refused to take his dd's over there to see them. And I will add, I have NEVER stopped him or discouraged him from taking this dd's over to see them. I just simply said me and my dd will not be going. His response was, "We are a family of 5, not 2 adn 3. We either all go or none goes." My decision for me and my dd wasn't changing, so he just doesn't go. So now his mother, who bad mouthed DF's ex to no end, hangs out with DF's ex on her weekends. DF's Mom buys things for the girls and sends them to their mom's house. For Christmas DF took his girls over there and they got a few gifts. After DF took his kids back to their mom, their mom took them over to DF's parents house where they then got all of the expensive gifts and clothes. That hurt my DF SO much and truly pissed me off.
I did attend DF's family Thanksgiving as well as his family Christmas party. Thanksgiving was horrible. I said hi to DF's parents, but that was about it. Their family is big enough I had plenty of others to talk with. That was until the end and other's started to leave. DF and I were outside watching this kids play and his mom joined us. She asked me if my parents were in town. I simply answered, "Yes". Then she asked what they did for Thanksgiving. I said, "They went with my family to my cousins house." Very simple and to the point answers, which is what DF said to do if she asked me anything. That totally blew up in my face. She got up and very abrasively said, "Well I tried, you don't have a damn thing to say to me so whatever." DF standing right there snapped at her. I asked DF if we could please leave and I walked out to the truck. DF went inside to tell his family by and here she comes out to the truck. To cover my a** I called my mom and sat the phone down. To this day I never disprespected her, I told her I didn't understand what I had done to make her hate me. She could never give me an answer. I cried the whole way home.
She is just being so two faced. DF still does things with his dad occasionally and still talks to his mom every once in awhile. Yes I get frustrated when he talks to her because honestly, why on earth would he want to talk to someone who has done nothing but try to ruin everything? But I understand that is his mom and dad and I can't pull him away from them.
My problem is, I can honestly say I have NEVER done anything at all to disrepect his parents in any shape form or fashion. Despite all the hurt his mother has dished out to me, I have always pushed it aside in front of her and respected her. As that is how I was brought up. I have also continued to respect his dad at work. I am SO confused and hurt by all of this. I don't understand what I have done to deserve any of this treatment. DF doesn't know either. DF said that she treated his ex the same way. So that's why is puzzles me even more that they hang out now. I guess his mom will never be happy with another woman taking care of her son.
Sorry this ended up being so long. I'm just at a complete loss and truly don't know if I could live my life with this woman in it forever. I know it's selfish of me, but it's almost to the point that he needs to choose. I know he will choose his family, which is fine and I will have to accept. But he can't have both.
Any advice would be so helpful seeing that we aren't married yet. And the only reason we aren't married yet is because of him being embarassed by his family not showing up. Yes his mother has turned the whole family against us for the most part. Misery loves company!!! And she's miserable.