Should I still marry him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2012
Should I still marry him?
1
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 3:09pm

I've lurked on this board for some time looking for advice through other's situations. But I've now come to a point that I'm ready to vent and get this all out on the table. It may seem a little overwhelming and jumped around, but this is something that has been going on for almost 3 years now. I'm not here to sugar coat my side or puposley bash STBH's parents. I'm just at a complete loss and don't know what to do anymore. To add a little note ahead of time...I work for STBH's dad.

I am 31 and have a 6 yr old dd from my first marriage. DF (fiance) is 36 with 2 dd's 5 & 8 from his first marriage. DF and I did start seeing each other before his 1 1/2yr long divorce was final. It was in his temporary orders that anyone he was in a relationship with could not be around his children until the D was final. So with that said, he lived at his parents house on his 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekends, as well as going over there on his Monday & Thursday dinners. Yes it was tough, but I understood legally there was nothing I could do about it. During his long drawn out D, DF's mom and I talked quite a bit and when his children weren't present we'd go to his parents house to visit. DF's mom is EXTREMELY opinionated and I learned that real quick in the beginning. But being respectful to her I just let most of it roll off of my back. Did some of it bother me? Of course, I'm only human.

Fast forward....

DF's D was final. THE very day it was final his mom's whole demeanor towards me changed for the absolute worst. Mind you up to this point I haven't had any problems with his dad. Very loving and respectful, but also extremely quiet and reserved. DF's court time was at 9am and by 10:30 am she called me and said, "Well it's final, are you happy you got what you wanted?" (this was said in the most possible sarcasitc way). I simple said, "Yes I'm glad it's final." and got off of the phone with her. I was very hurt by her comment. Then not even an hour later she called again and said, "If you're in this to get married, then you might want to go and find someone else because his first wife ruined marriage for him." That was only the 1st day. She has constantly been taking stabs at me and leaves me and my dd out of everything. We are nothing to her, which is something I've just learned to live with. It is hard to accept at times, because my parents have whole heartedly accepted my DF and both of his kids. She doesn't just do and buy for my dd, she does for all 3. So when my dd is left out from his parents it hurts and my dd see's it.

When we were slowly bringing the kids together, i.e. meeting at the park, eating dinner...she would always call him about 2 hours into it and tell him dinner would be ready in about and hour and specifically say that there's not enough for me and my dd. What would he do? Drop me and my dd and go eat dinner. He felt he couldn't turn dinner down since she has allowed him to stay there on his weekends with his kids. This totally pissed me off to no end.

About a year ago, which was 7 months after his kids moved in and 10 months after his D was final I started a new job working for his dad. Everything was absolutely through the roof amazing with my job. His dad and I clicked, always had a good time and absolutely no confrontation at all. BUT...his mom was still taking jabs at me, being rude when we went over, or would try to call and stir up crap. Always wanting to talk about DF's ex and remind me of all the things they did together(which she bad mouth SO bad in the beginning). I understand DF had a life with his ex, just as I did mine. But I don't care to hear about every single detail. She would tell me about their vacations, their fights, anything that was important to her nosey self. I wasn't willing to ruin my job by bringing those things to work. I did start talking to DF more about it, as he wasn't seeing it when it was being done. He started paying more attention and would pick up on a few things. She liked to open her mouth up when it was just me and her and the guys where outside. More so, so DF wouldn't hear it. 6 months into my new job things got really bad with his mom. I was refusing to go over to their house and DF would get extremely defensive about it. But at this point she had hurt me so much, I was now protecting myself from this lady who obviously wanted to ruin me. That night DF said he had, had enough and he went to go and talk to his parents. His dad didn't have a clue about what was going on, but took DF's mom's side in a heartbeat. I was told I wasn't allowed to go and talk to them because they didn't want to hear what I had to say. Fine! DF said all he could and was over there for about 5 hours. The next day at work....EVERYTHING changed. His dad no longer talked to me unless it had to do with business.

Here I am 6 months after that and he's still barely talking to me. This past weekend we went by his parents to pick up some things and his mother acted like I didn't exist. Which I wouldn't expect anything different from her. It was frustrating but what can I do? Nothing.

Things have gotten worse over time and DF has refused to take his dd's over there to see them. And I will add, I have NEVER stopped him or discouraged him from taking this dd's over to see them. I just simply said me and my dd will not be going. His response was, "We are a family of 5, not 2 adn 3. We either all go or none goes." My decision for me and my dd wasn't changing, so he just doesn't go. So now his mother, who bad mouthed DF's ex to no end, hangs out with DF's ex on her weekends. DF's Mom buys things for the girls and sends them to their mom's house. For Christmas DF took his girls over there and they got a few gifts. After DF took his kids back to their mom, their mom took them over to DF's parents house where they then got all of the expensive gifts and clothes. That hurt my DF SO much and truly pissed me off.

I did attend DF's family Thanksgiving as well as his family Christmas party. Thanksgiving was horrible. I said hi to DF's parents, but that was about it. Their family is big enough I had plenty of others to talk with. That was until the end and other's started to leave. DF and I were outside watching this kids play and his mom joined us. She asked me if my parents were in town. I simply answered, "Yes". Then she asked what they did for Thanksgiving. I said, "They went with my family to my cousins house." Very simple and to the point answers, which is what DF said to do if she asked me anything. That totally blew up in my face. She got up and very abrasively said, "Well I tried, you don't have a damn thing to say to me so whatever." DF standing right there snapped at her. I asked DF if we could please leave and I walked out to the truck. DF went inside to tell his family by and here she comes out to the truck. To cover my a** I called my mom and sat the phone down. To this day I never disprespected her, I told her I didn't understand what I had done to make her hate me. She could never give me an answer. I cried the whole way home.

She is just being so two faced. DF still does things with his dad occasionally and still talks to his mom every once in awhile. Yes I get frustrated when he talks to her because honestly, why on earth would he want to talk to someone who has done nothing but try to ruin everything? But I understand that is his mom and dad and I can't pull him away from them.

My problem is, I can honestly say I have NEVER done anything at all to disrepect his parents in any shape form or fashion. Despite all the hurt his mother has dished out to me, I have always pushed it aside in front of her and respected her. As that is how I was brought up. I have also continued to respect his dad at work. I am SO confused and hurt by all of this. I don't understand what I have done to deserve any of this treatment. DF doesn't know either. DF said that she treated his ex the same way. So that's why is puzzles me even more that they hang out now. I guess his mom will never be happy with another woman taking care of her son.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I'm just at a complete loss and truly don't know if I could live my life with this woman in it forever. I know it's selfish of me, but it's almost to the point that he needs to choose. I know he will choose his family, which is fine and I will have to accept. But he can't have both.

Any advice would be so helpful seeing that we aren't married yet. And the only reason we aren't married yet is because of him being embarassed by his family not showing up. Yes his mother has turned the whole family against us for the most part. Misery loves company!!! And she's miserable.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 4:31pm

Hi,

No, you should not marry your DF. Here’s why:

1)It bothers me that your DF didn’t immediately stand up for himself and you before and after his divorce was final. It appears he just “took” whatever his mother dished out and didn’t understand how this affected you and your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2012
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 2:03am

wisdom~
Thank you so much for your advice. I can say I DO NOT disagree with one thing you said in your post. Your answers make it sound like I've sat down with you for the last  3 years and filled you in on every detail.
I'm going to reply to your 1-5
1) He felt he couldn't stand up to his mom because of all she had done for him. *Barff* He didn't want to disrespect her. BUT...when he did confront her after ALLLLLL that time and damage, he said he had her crying her eyes out. He tells me that no mom should have to be put down as much as he put her down. In my eyes...yes she should have and she deserves a little more from me. But we all know that's not what's best here.

2) The very first time I talked to her, I didn't sense that I was the enemy. But yes sitting in the hot spot now and having all the flaming daggars thrown at me, I can clearly see I was definitely the enemy. I felt that I got played all the way through his D and that humiliates me. She did NOTHING but talk bad about his ex and what a piece of s*** wife and mother she was.

3) My DF says that his mom treated his Ex the same exact way and the feeling was mutual all around. Ex refused to go over to DF's parents house for anything. DF said he used to have to take the kids over there by himself. Sounds all too familiar...he's back in the same situation.

4) You couldn't have stated this better about DF's father. He'd rather keep his mouth shut and go with the flow of his own silence to keep peace. It's very noticeable especially to me just how different he is between work and home. TWO totally different people. Before the big falling out, he used to laugh, cut up, was in a good mood, was talkative at work. But if the same day after work we went to DF's parents house his dad was the most quiet person ever. He's ALWAYS been this way when I've been over there.

5) I was very leary of going and work for DF's father. Unfortunately for me I was laid off and was unemployeed for 16 of the longest months of my life. His dad was hiring and asked if I would be interested. Believe me I talked this through with my parents for quite a few hours, but ultimately I need to bring money to the table to support my dd and help DF with the bills. I just made the comment to DF this past Friday that I might need to start looking for a new job. I really do like my job and I would literally be heartbroken leaving my co-workers who I enjoy working with. But for my sanity it will eventually be what I do.

Yes I do agree more than ever that we need marriage counseling. If I could just find someone that DF would listen to. He always feels as though I'm bashing him, but fortunately here in the last few weeks we have been able to have some good talks that I finally think are getting to him. Getting him to see things from a totally different perspective. 

With you saying that no matter who DF is with, his mother would probably always be this way. Not only to the ex and me, but also his high school sweetheart. Is it that no one is good enough for her son? or Is it that she hates not having control of her son's life? I just don't get it. Why can't she be happy that DF is happy and be happy that I love him and have taken on his 2 dd's that I love? I let them move into mine and my dd's home. I have welcomed them with open arms. Rearranged my things to accommodate. I just don't get it.

No DF's mom wasn't the reason for their D.

I'm not quite sure that he's ready to turn his back completely. He always falls back on, "But my dad." All I say when he gives me that line about turning his back on his dad is, "If your dad isn't man enough to stand up for his own self dignity against his wife, then he deserves to lay in the bed she made for him. Is that fair to your dad? No, but it's not fair to the rest of us either who have to deal with her hateful, manipulating personality." He usually doesn't have much to say after that.

After a week ago when she ignored my existence, I did look him in the eye and told him no more. That myself nor my dd would be stepping foot in any of his families presence. He comes back with, "What has the rest of my family done to you?" (meaning aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents). So I clarified and said, "If your parents are present, I refuse to be present with them." Thankfully the holidays aren't coming anytime soon. LOL!!!

And yes I will continue to love my dd more than ever and be prepared to explain things to her as she gets older.

While I clearly understand this is a no-win situation for him, this is my life too. And I do not have to continue to live in his dysfunctional world because he's too chicken to stand up for himself and his family (me, dd, sdd's).

Thank you again for your advice. It's nice hearing from someone else that my thoughts (which are pretty much yours) aren't so far out there.