SICK AND TWISTED INLAWS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
SICK AND TWISTED INLAWS
11
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:12am
Hi , I would like some input and advice on this situation that i am about to explain ...
To make a long story short I have not spoken to my inlaws or seen them in a year .We had a major blow out and they threatend to sue me and my DH for grandparent rights to our child . All though they did not follow thru with there threats because we went and spoke to a counselor about there sick and twisted behavior they then decided to back down . My DH at the time thought that his parents should still see our child , but only every couple of months . I did not like it and did not agree with it , but for my marriage to work what elese could i do . Well needless to say our childs birthday is next week and we have decided not to have any more birthday parties for him , that we would just do something as a family . My DH told his parents that and they were like ok well i will just buy him a present and maybe take him out to eat . Well about two weeks ago MY DH sister called and asked if she could have our child for the night that she needed to get him fitted for his tuxedo for her wedding coming up and that while she had our child that she would give her birthday gift to him then . Everything was fine with that until my Dh went to pick our child up from his parents house yesterday and he walks in to find about 15 people there birthday banners , cake and ice cream ,presents and so forth . My crazy inlaws had a birthday party for our child with out us even knowing . I need some advice because i gave my DH and ultimatum i cant keep living this way its either them or me . He says that a divorce is out of the question . Please give me all the advice that you can . Im really fed up !!! Thanks everyone for listening

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:53am
I feel your pain, and clearly understand your point. From an objective point of view..I would say to look past this. Although you and hubby decided against having a party for him..I don't see the problem with the extended fam wanting to do a little something for your son. YES SIL was wrong for being deceitful about her true intent, but because there seems to be bad blood she may have assumed this would be the only way to do it. I'm playing devil's advocate here, cuz lord knows my relations with his family are not great. They get on my nerves big time. But don't look at this as a slap..look at it that they wanted to do this for there grandson/nephew and you didn't have to spend a dime. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:46pm
I have to say that I disagree with the first responder big time. I agree that your in-laws actions warrant a huge overhaul on the access they should be given to your family. If there was going to be any birthday party for your child than you should have been told and invited. If you wished not to have a b-day party than there should have been no party, period. Eht does your child think of haveing a b-day party without his parents even being there? Did they explain why to him? Were the reasons they gave him because you guys are mean and did not want him to have a party but they were so loving that they had to do this for him? This kind of action will be remembered by your child and begin to influence your relationship with him as well.I would be very upset if I were you and there would be no more unsupervised visits between your in-law family and your child. You may have to (even though you don't want to spend time with them personally) meet them in public places to see your child while you and dh are right there. What does your dh say? If I were you, things would change now and they would all be informed immediately that life as they know it with yor family is changed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 1:40pm
I agree with you to a certain extent, but still think lvnlife25 has a good reason to be wary of these ILs who find it so easy to be deceitful with her where her son is concerned. They would never see my child again without my presence if I were in her position. The party itself was harmless, but I would definitely wonder what other deceitful things might be going on with these people. I just would not be able to trust them around my child. Lvnlife25 needs to protect her child and her marriage from these people.


Edited 2/26/2007 4:03 pm ET by fluffy42052
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:22pm

I respectfully disagree. They got to see the child and do something for his birthday all right. But, I would not want lying, deceiving sacks of dog doo, who cannot treat me with respect, to have access to my child, much less throw a party for him.

I think that the OP is right. I think that the DH needs to decide once and for all. And I am not one to give ultimatums. But, if this is a toxic environment, then the child does not need to be around them.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:25pm

I will tell you one thing. ANYONE who ever threatens to sue me for visitation of MY child better be ready to back it up, and will definitely NEVER see my child again.

What will it take for your husband to do the right thing? Will they need to kidnap your child?

He needs to grow up and choose. I am not one to normally recommend ultimatums, but in this case, I think it is warranted. I also would boycott SIL's wedding. SHame on her, and shame on the rest of them. If it were me, I would let them know that I hope they enjoyed their deceitful party, because it will be the last one for them. Shameful.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:46pm

Cut them off from you and your son now. They can't sue for visitation cause Grandparents don't exist anymore. They purposely went behind your back and had a party after you said no. They refuse to listen to your wishes. Who knows what they are telling your son behind your back. He doesn't need people like that in his life. They are nasty, deceitful people. Get them out of your lives. If Dh wants to have a relationship with them fine, but they don't deserve access to your son. Grantparenting is a privelege not a right. You would never allow a friend or anyone else to do this, why allow them to? Because they are family? No. A loving family would NEVER do something like this. Trust me. I have an awful mil and she was finally cut off completely after 7 years of her crap. She was just as nasty and underhanded as your ILs. It has been so much better for Dh, the boys and I without her in our lives. This is the link to the Supreme Court ruling about Grandparent rights, or lack their of.

http://supct.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/99-138.ZS.html

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:53pm
Thanks so much for your input . You and I are on the same page with this ordeal !!! I strongly disagree with the other responder myself . Our child is very confused by what happen yesterday . I feel so sorry for my husband , myself and our child !! My husband is going to confront his parents about this matter , but he said that all ties need to be broken . He has had a long talk with his parents before when the sueing of grandparent rights came in to play and he was expecting a change from them , but did not get it . I can no longer go on like this . Our childs mental state is at risk !!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:12pm

I think divorce is a little excessive, but you and your husband need to come to an agreement as to rules concerning your child then stick by those rules.

Now, I need to start, before I go on, by saying that because you didn't state exactly what your inlaws did to warrant total non-association, I can only go by the immediate story you conveyed. Your in-laws may have done something so heinous that you should, by all means, keep your son from them at all costs, but going on the information I have all I can say is that, frankly, in-laws do secretly spoil the kids with stuff all the time. Especially if the parents have requested against it. Be it ice cream buying, trips to the zoo, yadda yadda. I told my mother not to give the kids soda, guess what she did for an entire week. Basically, many parents like being the good guy. Whether your relationship with them is good or bad, they want to be the traditional good guy grandparent. I blew off the soda incident with my Mom, I suggest the same for the party.

Still, this was obviously an honest to God conspiracy to keep information from you. Now, I dunno your reltionship with SIL either, but she must've been put in the middle to have lied. Between a rock and a hard place. Not only that, but the fact that they felt they had to hide a party is almost sad. I dunno why you wouldn't want DS to have a party regardless of who threw it, maybe he was grounded?

Basically I don't feel there's enough backstory here to offer you a well informed opinion. Do want to know whether you're reasonable or are you just looking for solidarity? Because threatening divorce over a birthday party doesn't sound reasonable. Maybe you and DH are having trouble and the party was the last straw?

I think really, we're still a bit in the dark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:40pm

OHMYGOD! I can't believe how deceitful your inlaws really are. I don't blame you for giving your hubby the ultimatum, bc I have been there. I am a firm believer that when you marry, your spouse has FIRST place or NO place. But I have a question, did your hubby know about the party? I have a manipulative MIL and SIL, so I know what you're going through.

LAura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:38am
I totally agree with mom2danjam....my dad threatened to sue my sisters and I for grandparents rights to see our kids. Of course we knew he didn't have a snowballs chance in hell of winning, nor the money for a case like that, but still, you don't go there. Needless to say he has never seen any of our kids since and will never see any of our kids again....manipulative lying creep that he is.

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