SIL problem and naming godparents

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Registered: 03-26-2003
SIL problem and naming godparents
9
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:29am
For our first DS, my SIL made it known that she was upset at not being named godmother (more so she missed the title, not the duties -- this is the same SIL who was angry that a cousin hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid and threatened to wear a red dress to the wedding unless that cousin asked her... needless to say, the cousin asked her...) This SIL has mostly selfish behavior and only wants her nephew to say her name, otherwise she has no need for him after seeing him for 2 minutes. DH and I can't believe she was so angry, it was as if no one existed on MY side of the family that I had the right to ask as godparent, only her. We ended up with me choosing the godmother (a VERY close and religious friend, who has been a GREAT godparent for my DS) and a very close friend of DH as godfather.

Anyway, the question now comes to naming godparents for DS#2. We (DH and I) would really like to name my sister (who is also a very caring, attentive aunt and very religious). But if we do that, we're sure DH's sister will make a stink again. THEN, we thought, maybe we could just name them both as godmothers, but then we may hurt step-SIL's feelings (who is actually much more reasonable and likable than SIL). Nevertheless, I have much more respect for step-SIL and don't want to hurt her in anyway. And to top it off, I am pretty sure MIL will be mad if we don't name SIL as godmother.

Isn't this choice SUPPOSED to be OURS, as the parents?!? Why do people get so upset at not being named for these duties and honors? What should we do?!?!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:14am
When my brother and SIL had their first child, my mother was up in arms about me not being the Godmother- and she made it known - loudly. I was in no way offended by their choice - it was THEIR child to decide for not mine, not my mother's, not anyone's but the parents. I pulled my mother aside and told her to stop being stupid and calm down. Being a Godparent is an honor but me not being a godparent to my neice is not going to make me love her any less. I don't know why people go nuts when their not named as Godparent of their brother/sister's children - it seems silly to me. Don't name your loud mouth SIL Godmother if you don't want to - do you honestly believe she wants to be named Godparent cause she wants to guide them spiritually and emothionally and be there for them or just cause she'd think it'd would be cool to add the title "Godmother" to herself...
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:26am
and further more...My mother is one to talk as she and my father chose friends to be both mine and my brother's godparents instead of FAAAAAAMILY! Yes, I remind her of that but "it's not the same" is always her reply...good luck with the deciding!
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:02pm
Thanks for the re-assurance!
Avatar for lucy4980
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:36pm
What should you do? Name the person who you think is most qualified to be the Godparent of your child. Being a Godparent is an honor as well as a responsibility. You don't want your child to be basically without a Godparent, which is what would happen if you named your SIL because she wouldn't fulfill her responsibilities. Also, I wouldn't want to encourage your SIL's bad behavior by giving in and giving her what she wants. She acts the way she does because she gets her way - she has learned that if she bullies the people around her, then they will do what she wants. I wouldn't be bullied into doing anything by that woman, esspecially into something as important as choosing your child's Godmother. Please. Your SIL will probably get mad and throw a fit, but so what? If she wasn't throwing a fit over this, she'd be throwing a fit over something else anyway. She'll either get over this issue or she wont, but either way, your kid will have someone else as his or her Godmother, someone who will fulfill her responsibilities.
Avatar for mom2danjam
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:04pm
You are the parents and you decide who will be the godparents, or whatever. I would let her raise a stink. If she does, then don't invite her to the event, as she will certainly ruin it. After all, isn't it about her? (sarcasm) Tell MIL if she doesn't like it, she can go suck rocks.
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:07pm
IMHO, it is your decision as the mother, and DH's decision as the father to decide who will be the Godparents. NO one has to liek your decisio, but hte decision is yours and yoru decision is final.

Don't let the immature SIL make you feel like you have to name her as a Godmother, or any of your other ILs for that matter. It isn't their decision nor is it their kid. If she makes more comments, if she doesn't have kids, let her know that when SHE has kids, she can decide and if she has kids, remind her that you are sure that she got to choose who would be the Godparents to her children.

Also, DH needs to let them knwo that it is your decision and his decision and that they need to stay out of it and accept whatever it is the two of you decide.

Avatar for acosawa
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:21pm
I would name the person I wanted, the person I knew to be the right person. You can always give her a "honorary" title if you think that would placate her and would not upset the step sil so much. but I would not make a decision due to her bullying that I would regret the rest of my child's life!! my goodness. just think she would be happy but you and your dd would lose out. you for your immense regret, your dd for not having a hands on godmother. by naming her as "honorary", you tell her she is one of two but allow your friend to actually go through the ceremony. that might not have the best success as she may try to have mil pressure you to allow her the glory of the ceremonial rites.. but my last suggestion is you could laugh it off like "well, you're already her AUNTIE!! we didn't want to wear you out!" make it seem as though you were looking out for HER best interests!!!


I would just like to share with you that some ethnic groups, religions do not take the role of godparents so seriously or narrowly. true in it's purist form i belive it to be those folks in which you would entrust to provide religious instruction should the parent s not be around? im my case my very best freind used that as a criteria and thus I was not chosen as her kids godmother since we are of diffrent faiths. i was disappointed at first, but i got over it!! BUT, as she and I were so close and she introduced me to my husband,she later asked me to be god parents to my child!!

my next closet freind named me as the godmother (again different faiths) but a older woman from her church went through the ceremony...so my god daughter had two..one "formal" the other not so. but I took a active role in her life. as we all understood. there was never any problems!!

goodluck! let us know what you decide!!

Avatar for nickyhollysmom
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:40am
First, your SIL sounds ridiculous. If she's going to ignore this kid's existence, why name her as a godparent?

One SIL I deal with is godmother to my stepson (only because DH's brother was godfather to stepson, and DH was godfather to their DD), and she alternates between pretending to fawn over the kid so she can make us look bad to her friends, or disinviting the kid to her kid's birthday party.

Nice godparently example, eh?

This isn't about SIL, her tantrums, MIL, or whoever else decides to butt their nose into this. This is YOUR child and YOU are the only ones who decide who your child's godparents are.

Period.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 7:02pm
I am so glad to read all the responses that support how I feel... Thanks to everyone! I needed to hear that we have every right to choose who we want.

Then there's dealing with my MIL who just out of the blue called yesterday and asked what we were going to do about godparents because it's "so important" to SIL (SIL has been campaigning to her)!!!! Uggg!!!! DH made one good (VERY SMALL) point: DH is SIL's only sibling so our kids may be her only opportunity to be named godparent (and if we're all lucky, she won't have any kids of her own).

Anyway, the principle is that we should be able to name who WE want (my sister in another state) and then there's the reality of pissing off MIL and SIL who live in the same town as we do. And let me tell you, neither one hides how they feel...!!! Besides not wanting to deal with angry mother and sister, DH really does support me and how I feel (and says when I want to lay down the gauntlett for World War III he will support me, but is this the issue I want to do that over?). I think we are going to end up having to name my sister (who knows the real deal and what my SIL is like) and then SIL (who won't really know she's the runner up and will behave like the Queen Bee).

And in an interesting twist, step-SIL, who was also considered, is apparently getting married soon and has asked my MIL (her step-mother) and FIL (her dad) NOT to attend!! This we (DH and I) think is pretty mean to do (especially since these are the people who took out the huge loans for her to go to her small, private college from which she recently graduated). So with all this family strife going on, DH and I are expected to close ranks on step-SIL (who has been great with us, but I don't agree with her asking her own dad - with whom she has a fine relationship with - not to come to her own wedding just because it's being held at her mom and step-dad's ranch). Uggg!! In Laws!!!!