Sis & Bro in Law Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Sis & Bro in Law Need Advice
21
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:46am

Hi out there:

I was wondering if I could get a point of view on my in-laws. My husband's brother and his wife were in our wedding party as BM and Usher and their son was the ring bearer. Since our wedding took place in another town, they had to rent a car, pay for their own hotel room and rent two tuxedos and buy a BM dress, so it was quite expensive for all three of them. In fact, my husband picked up their son and drove him to the town where we got married so that they didn't have to find a babysitter (summertime) and most of all, this child stayed at my parents home, and my husband was nice enough to take him out bowling and to get his hair cut for the wedding.

Of course, me & my husband hosted the rehearsal dinner, gave BIL, SIL and nephew gifts to say thank you for sharing our day with us. There were two other men in our wedding party (BM and other usher), plus my girls (MOH and another BM). After the wedding was done and over with, we received beautiful and thankful gifts. Unfortunately, we didn't receive a wedding gift from BIL & SIL, but all our other WP members sent very nice gifts. In my point of view, I found that to be kind of tacky because me and my husband went out of our way to make sure they all had a good time. However, all of our other wedding party members were from out of town and had to pay for lodging expenses, but they knew about all of this for a year and a half, and they sent gifts.

My husband doesn't know much about weddings and traditions because he was the first in his family to have a big wedding. I told him about it; however, he just shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe they thought being part of our wedding party was their gift to us. I thought he was making excuses for the 2 of them because they just went on a cruise this past summer and went to the islands earlier this year, so if they could afford that and after everything my husband does for them, I think they disrespected my husband big-time. My MIL is on a fixed income, and had to pay for out of town expenses, but still gave us a gift.

So now, I'm in the midst of writing out my thank you cards. I don't know exactly what to write in theirs. My father told me that what they did was not very nice and on top of it all, my SIL was telling people at the wedding that she wants herself and my BIL to renew their wedding vows because she didn't have the "fairy tale" wedding like she was supposed to have (they went to city hall).

My BIL & SIL have so many problems in their marriage and the worst one yet is that my BIL had an affair and a child resulted from it. So, whenever I saw my SIL, she would go on about it and how she's struggling through it and how much she could have done this and that when it came to getting married. My dad said that she was probably jealous and envious that I was having a big wedding and such and felt cheated that she didn't have one. Then, my sister (BM) told me that BIL was flirting with her the whole time when SIL wasn't around.

I do not particularly care to be around BIL & SIL that much now. I find that both of them are a couple of insecure phonies and put on this act what they have, what clothes they wear, what their son has, etc., because I know it's all a crock anyway. I find my SIL is insecure about her looks because I've never seen anyone who takes her son to the park and has to be made up perfectly. In fact, SIL doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut and gossips about her immediate family and their drama, and then once had nerve to tell me that her and my husband's ex looked alike. I was told at a gathering for SIL's stepchild that me and the mother of the child looked alike too, but I would never say that to get back at her.

My question is, how do I keep my distance from BIL & SIL now? I have gotten to know their behaviors and it irritated me big-time and I feel as if when I'm around SIL, it's a competition and she doesn't know etiquette. When I come back from visiting, I'm miserable half of the time. I even told MIL that I don't think I'm going to have a close friendship with SIL because she's unhappy with her life and tries to drag me down with her. My BIL is a womanizer and one time, we were visiting and he brought out another woman to the bar with us and it wasn't his wife. The next day, SIL was bragging about what a good husband she has and what he buys her.

I don't discuss this much with my husband; however, he set boundaries with the 2 of them and they don't bother him at all. In fact, the only time he talks to SIL is when he visits; however, he leaves it at that. SIL doesn't dare to come up in my husband's face and talk about her problems and struggles in her marriage.

My question is: how can I handle this? The week of our wedding, a whole bunch of us were out at lunch and I said that if anyone has any drama going on in their lives and is not happy in their situation, to please leave it at the door, I don't need to hear drama anymore.

Now, me & hubby are supposed to be spending the holidays with them at their house, and it's something I am very much not looking forward to because I may lose my patience with SIL and go off on her.

I think I get upset with my SIL is because my older sister was the same way: superficial, a braggart, and downright miserable. Her ex-husband cheated on her numerous times and finally left her after only 3 years of marriage and 3 kids. I think after that horrific experience, my sister really got a big piece of humble pie and we are now the best of friends and very close.

If someone can give me their point of view, I'd really appreciate it. I don't even bother with my BIL because his attitude isn't going to change and I've set a boundary that he can't come out with us if his wife isn't present. As for my SIL, I'm fed up with her and her bullcrap.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:35pm

When you married your husband, it was a package deal. His family IS part of the package.

Be civil and objective but, as another poster stated above, show some compassion.

I can't stand drama either. Because for some people, most of it is self inflicted due to a series of poor choices.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:52am

Well, if you could be supportive of a sibling who is cheating on their spouse, I have to disagree with you there. It does not mean you cannot love your sib, but "supporting one of your own", no matter what, smacks of being clannish. What about that spouse? Aren't THEY supposed to be "one of your own", as well?

My DH's family does this and it makes me ill. His one sister cheated on her spouse and married the whoremonger, and they just accepted him, no questions asked. What about the spouse she threw away?

I love my family. But, I would not support someone abusing their spouse or cheating on them. Even "one of my own". It just isn't right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:48am

Hi out there to everyone:

I have shown sympathy and such; however, I got tired of always hearing negativity each time and it saddens me. I needed a point of view from someone that I have to find some way to set a boundary with SIL (I don't even bother much with BIL) that I no longer want to hear the negativity in her marriage, and to please move on. She's made her bed, now she must lie in it. I no longer care to hear anymore of her problems, it won't solve anything for me and if she did solve her problems, there wouldn't be much to say.

When it comes to in-laws, how much can one be involved? When my sister's ex left her after 3 years of marriage, I never really got too involved in it because they lived over a thousand miles from my parents house and I really didn't have much of a relationship with my former BIL, I thought he was phony and superficial. What did his family do: nothing. Yes, they felt bad for my sister; however, her ex-husband's family moved on and could not do one single thing to convince him that my sister was a good woman from him.

So, it's really not my place to go up in BIL's face and tell him what he did (or does) is wrong, if he doesn't know that, that's his problem. As for SIL, she knows deep down inside that her husband made a complete fool out of her; however, if she wants to live in that miserable type of world, it's hers to live in.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 1:34pm

Put it like this, if my brother had killed someone, my response would have been "I'm sorry that person is dead, but he is my brother and I will do what I can to support him". It doesn't mean he is right, it doesn't even mean his behavior was/is ok, BUT he is my brother. On the issue of the spouse and whether they are "one of your own", the answer is marginally, but my relationship with my brother take precedence.

My first thought on reading the last two paragraphs in your post was you thought you had a right to police everyone around you. You don't get to decide what is right for ANYONE BUT YOU. You don't get to decide anyone else's behavior but YOURS.

They accepted him because it was more important to retain their relationship with their siblings/children. Can you feel bad for the discarded spouse, sure, can you still be friends or friendly, of course. You also can choose to limit your contact with those in his family you have a problem with, but you need to be VERY careful about controlling his interaction with his family. Do they trully accept him with no ill will? Lets be real, they know his sister did something wrong, but his sister gets to decide who she brings into the family and for how long they stay. This is not to say that the family as a whole has to completely ignore a previous spouse, it doesn't even mean that they can't come to family events. This is particularly true if his sister had children with her ex-husband.

Let me relay this story to you, both of my brothers and I have been divorced, only one due to infidelity. The others due to incompatibility. We all have children with our first wives. My parents set the standard for how ex-wives were to be treated by the family. They are treated with respect. This is not to say that we don't have our own issues with the ex-wives personally, but in my family you treat them with respect. Do my parents still like my ex-wife, sure, she isn't a bad person and she is the mother of their grand-child. Do I have issues with my ex-wife, sure, and we will for about 8 more years at which I won't have really any need to converse with her regularly. Do I have issues with my brothers ex-wife, the one he cheated on, sure, but those issues existed long before he cheated on her and were my issues with her.

You are his wife and he should place you above all others, but even this has limits, if your demands come off as excessive and it happens enough it will be toxic to your relationship with your husband.

I take exception to abusing, which I read as physical, would I try to do something to stop that, yes. Would I allow it in MY house, no. Might I even suggest to a SIL that she might want to divorce my brother, yes.

Your husband grew up this way, and I would tend to view this is a core belief, those are difficult to change and only if your husband really believes it is wrong can it even be attempted. Right or wrong, you don't have the right to decide for anyone but you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:01pm

It occurs to me that if this shaky couple is going to attempt to have all the family over to their place for Christmas, it is going to make for a great deal of extra pressure, stress and strain in their home and their marriage. That won't be good for their little boy. And a man who has struck his wife before, is going to be at great risk of doing it again, when placed under stress.

I wouldn't want to volunteer to witness that. How did it happen that you are to go to their place for Christmas? Is there any polite way of getting out of it? Talk long and openly with your man about this upcoming visit. And if you fear you cannot smile politely through everything that is likely to happen, tell him. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:07pm

Hello:

Thank you for your opinion. They are still together despite the "drama" that both of them are going through. As well, the last time I heard about my BIL hitting SIL was 6 years ago, I don't know if it has happened since there. I guess they sort of worked out their marriage and I don't know what's going on now because I don't contact either one of them and I plan on keeping my distance. Both of them just thought that the holidays should be spend at their house and I think that I'll know exactly what to do, just be cordial and polite and change the subject if I have to. As well, I will no longer feel afraid to tell SIL what's exactly on my mind and to respect my boundaries that i can no longer listen to her about her ongoing problems with BIL and her extended family because it's really none of my business.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:26pm

I never said I could police anyone, nor have I told anyone how to live or act. I was SAYING that I don't agree with "support them no matter what", stuff. That is all. It just shows how people don't consider their married-in relatives to be real "family".

If you choose to be supportive of someone who cheats on their spouse or commits some other crime, instead of the person who was cheated on or victimized, JUST BECAUSE they are your blood, then, IMO, and ONLY MY OPINION, that is wrong. You can love your relative, but you do not have to support them in their disgrace. And yes, treating your spouse like dirt and cheating on your spouse is disgraceful.

I will share something very personal. My mother cheated on my dad back when I was a senior in HS. My maternal grandparents were livid when they found out and were supportive of my dad in the divorce case. Now, eventually, they and my mom came to an understanding, but they let her know that they DID NOT support what she did. At. All. I think they did the right thing. In retrospect, my mother has admitted that they were right.

Believe me, my inlaws have more problems than just the sister who married her lover. They accept another sister's husband who has been convicted of child molestation. He is allowed at family gatherings and everything. (he was given probation because Florida has lax laws, IMO)

I hope that if I am ever faced with such a situation, I would do what is right and moral, not do something because the person is "family".

You do what you feel is right and what you can live with.

And for the record, I am POLITE with my inlaws. I have never said a darn thing to my SIL. She and her boytoy were married before I even met DH. I have just seen a pattern over the years of how they just accept whatever their kids and other sibs do, no matter who got hurt. The spouse is not really "family", you know? Well...I take that back. We spouses are "family" when it is time to clean up and cook and otherwise act like a scullery maid at craptaculars. Which is why I am only civil and polite. I am not their family. They are my husband's family and the extended family of our children. Not mine. In fact, I am thinking of taking back my maiden name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:29pm

Hello there:

I will always be polite towards all of my in-laws. In fact, I don't have to sit there and study what BIL & SIL do, it's all out in the open. I will say one thing, if SIL starts going on about BIL and what a "great" man he is despite his big mistake, I'll just say, "whatever you say SIL", because i know deep down, she's going to struggle for a long time with that crap.

I know for sure that my husband doesn't support at all what his brother does, or else he would have never intervened when BIL hit SIL years ago (SIL has said that BIL has never hit her - she would be so shocked to know that I knew she was lying, maybe she would not have to dump her problems on me again). As well, he told BIL to never, ever come out with another woman besides his wife to a bar with us again, because it embarasses my husband and most of all, it's a very disrespectful thing to do. I once remember my husband saying, "well, it all caught up with my brother because now he has another child by another woman". As well, to show we don't get involved in this thing, we don't even send b-day or Xmas gifts to my BIL's child from the affair. I did it one time and the mother put only my husband's name on the thank you card and didn't even acknowledge my name on it and I washed my hands of that ever since.

So, thank you everyone for your postings, it was greatly appreciated very much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:03pm

Hi out there:

Here's an update for you in regards to my challenges with BIL & SIL, I'm not bothered by them anymore like I used to be, I'm moving on with my life.

We visited for Thanksgiving holiday and we spent the day over at her Mom's and StepDad's house. Her stepDad was insensitive, a drunk and rude; however, we all grinned and beared it and decided that we will never, ever be joining SIL's family again for that holiday. However, we didn't put the blame on BIL & SIL at all, it was her stepDad's attitude.

I noticed that SIL won't change her ways and that she is insecure and has an image problem; however, that's not my problem at all, so I don't have to live with it. In fact, this time, she didn't go on about BIL's affair and her stepchild, she left it at the door and maybe it was because there were too many people around and we could not have one-on-one contact. As well, she didn't go on about not having her big wedding either, I guess that's out the door too.

I was verh cordial and polite and didn't even care anymore about not receiving a wedding gift from them because that's not what is important at all to me anymore. Best of all, her bro is getting married before Christmas and since her new SIL to be is from the same background as herself, maybe they'll have a lot more in common and they live only 10 mins from one another compared to us living three to four hours away.

So, I'm not bitter and unhappy anymore. I enjoyed spending the holidays with my DH, my beautiful and loving MIL and our nephew (BIL & SIL's child), and that's what mattered to me the most.

I don't have to sit here and get all frustrated and deal with how am I going to set boundaries and such with SIL because I will not allow her to make my life unhappy. I know what goes on behind closed doors and I really do feel sorry for her; however, that's her life b/c I'm going to concentrate on my own marriage and life.

Thank you all for letting me vent and get my feelings out!

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 8:48pm
You know I have to agree with you. If my brother acted the way the OP's BIL acted, I would probably be the second person to smack him upside the head. My Mom would be the first. But at the end of the day he is my brother. He was my brother before and will always be my brother. But I won't hesitate to tell him when I feel he has or is doing something wrong. I would still be supportive of my SIL (if I ever have one) but my brother is my brother. With my BIL I would also smack him upside the head, but we have that kind of relationship where I can talk to him. Course I would let Dh talk to him first. I would support SIL (his wife) but my BIL comes first. I have known him a lot longer then I have known her. He was apart of my first.

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