Sis & Bro in Law Need Advice
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| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:46am |
Hi out there:
I was wondering if I could get a point of view on my in-laws. My husband's brother and his wife were in our wedding party as BM and Usher and their son was the ring bearer. Since our wedding took place in another town, they had to rent a car, pay for their own hotel room and rent two tuxedos and buy a BM dress, so it was quite expensive for all three of them. In fact, my husband picked up their son and drove him to the town where we got married so that they didn't have to find a babysitter (summertime) and most of all, this child stayed at my parents home, and my husband was nice enough to take him out bowling and to get his hair cut for the wedding.
Of course, me & my husband hosted the rehearsal dinner, gave BIL, SIL and nephew gifts to say thank you for sharing our day with us. There were two other men in our wedding party (BM and other usher), plus my girls (MOH and another BM). After the wedding was done and over with, we received beautiful and thankful gifts. Unfortunately, we didn't receive a wedding gift from BIL & SIL, but all our other WP members sent very nice gifts. In my point of view, I found that to be kind of tacky because me and my husband went out of our way to make sure they all had a good time. However, all of our other wedding party members were from out of town and had to pay for lodging expenses, but they knew about all of this for a year and a half, and they sent gifts.
My husband doesn't know much about weddings and traditions because he was the first in his family to have a big wedding. I told him about it; however, he just shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe they thought being part of our wedding party was their gift to us. I thought he was making excuses for the 2 of them because they just went on a cruise this past summer and went to the islands earlier this year, so if they could afford that and after everything my husband does for them, I think they disrespected my husband big-time. My MIL is on a fixed income, and had to pay for out of town expenses, but still gave us a gift.
So now, I'm in the midst of writing out my thank you cards. I don't know exactly what to write in theirs. My father told me that what they did was not very nice and on top of it all, my SIL was telling people at the wedding that she wants herself and my BIL to renew their wedding vows because she didn't have the "fairy tale" wedding like she was supposed to have (they went to city hall).
My BIL & SIL have so many problems in their marriage and the worst one yet is that my BIL had an affair and a child resulted from it. So, whenever I saw my SIL, she would go on about it and how she's struggling through it and how much she could have done this and that when it came to getting married. My dad said that she was probably jealous and envious that I was having a big wedding and such and felt cheated that she didn't have one. Then, my sister (BM) told me that BIL was flirting with her the whole time when SIL wasn't around.
I do not particularly care to be around BIL & SIL that much now. I find that both of them are a couple of insecure phonies and put on this act what they have, what clothes they wear, what their son has, etc., because I know it's all a crock anyway. I find my SIL is insecure about her looks because I've never seen anyone who takes her son to the park and has to be made up perfectly. In fact, SIL doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut and gossips about her immediate family and their drama, and then once had nerve to tell me that her and my husband's ex looked alike. I was told at a gathering for SIL's stepchild that me and the mother of the child looked alike too, but I would never say that to get back at her.
My question is, how do I keep my distance from BIL & SIL now? I have gotten to know their behaviors and it irritated me big-time and I feel as if when I'm around SIL, it's a competition and she doesn't know etiquette. When I come back from visiting, I'm miserable half of the time. I even told MIL that I don't think I'm going to have a close friendship with SIL because she's unhappy with her life and tries to drag me down with her. My BIL is a womanizer and one time, we were visiting and he brought out another woman to the bar with us and it wasn't his wife. The next day, SIL was bragging about what a good husband she has and what he buys her.
I don't discuss this much with my husband; however, he set boundaries with the 2 of them and they don't bother him at all. In fact, the only time he talks to SIL is when he visits; however, he leaves it at that. SIL doesn't dare to come up in my husband's face and talk about her problems and struggles in her marriage.
My question is: how can I handle this? The week of our wedding, a whole bunch of us were out at lunch and I said that if anyone has any drama going on in their lives and is not happy in their situation, to please leave it at the door, I don't need to hear drama anymore.
Now, me & hubby are supposed to be spending the holidays with them at their house, and it's something I am very much not looking forward to because I may lose my patience with SIL and go off on her.
I think I get upset with my SIL is because my older sister was the same way: superficial, a braggart, and downright miserable. Her ex-husband cheated on her numerous times and finally left her after only 3 years of marriage and 3 kids. I think after that horrific experience, my sister really got a big piece of humble pie and we are now the best of friends and very close.
If someone can give me their point of view, I'd really appreciate it. I don't even bother with my BIL because his attitude isn't going to change and I've set a boundary that he can't come out with us if his wife isn't present. As for my SIL, I'm fed up with her and her bullcrap.
Thank you!

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Alias,
For starters forget about expecting your brother-in-law and his wife to give you a wedding present. Perhaps they did consider participating in your wedding their "gift" to you two. So what? Write them a thank you note and TELL THEM THANK YOU for all their participation. And then drop it. Why? Because they also had the option of bowing out of participating because of the expense. It happens and you were lucky they didn't ask to be "released" from participation. It saved you both an awkward moment. Again, let this go. It's just not important.
Two, it does sound like your husband's brother has issues with his own wife and family. Let that junk be their junk. You can listen and nod and be empathetic, but it's really up to them to deal with their problems. And how they deal with it really is up to them.
The best thing you can do in this case is let history be history and don't react to their issues. You've got your own marriage to build.
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