Stay or Go???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Stay or Go???
21
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:24am
I think my h is trying to plan a trip to
the IL's with the kids and I am debating
weather I should go with or stay home. I
know that they would be happy as heck if
I don't go and I pretty sure they don't
even want me in there home. At first I flat
out told my H I wansn't going. Then I had a
second thought that I should go becuz of
the fact that I'm scared that he won't come
back with them. I asked my H if we could stay
in a hotel but of course he said that would
cost to much. I don't know what to do. They
don't like me and I don't like them esp.
after reading an email I found from the mil
saying I am lazy and don't want to get a job
and don't do anything else for that matter.
I have news for her he doesn't do much eithier
except go to work and come home. I guess in
there mind that makes him a star father. But
they expect me to get a job plus still do all
of the house work. They even compared me to
my h sister who supposedly does "everything"
including the yard work with two toddlers.
Little do they know they just pay people
to do the yard work and clean the house
and make it look perfect befor they visit.
Who knows maybe they do know but I know that
if I paid someone to do all my house and yard
work they would say I'm spending money I shouldn't
be spending. Its ok by them that the sister
doesn't have a job. I think thats funny becuz I
did do quite a bit of yard work over the summer.
Not mowing but cutting down brush and raking leaves
and grass. Does that count for nothing??? I am not
lazy and actually enjoy doing that type of yard work.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken07
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:43am
Call her out on it. Tell her that whether you work or not, or what goes on in YOUR home is NONE of her business. Also, if she cannot act civilly toward you, then I would not allow her to see your children. What if she disparages you to them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: broken07
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:44pm
I don't think she would say anything bad about me to them
if thats what you mean. She once offered me money and a
plain ticket to where ever I wanted to go if I signed off
all parental rights to my dd. Who does that??? Sometimes
I think she is just jealous becouse I go a couple nights
a week and she never did that when she was raising kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: broken07
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 1:06am
I'm not fond of my ILs either and most of the time I WISH my husband would let me stay home. BUT he doesn't. So I just go and stay pretty quiet and focus on my little guy. If you can go and be cordial enough with hi and bye and semi-quiet in between (meaning, if someone starts chatting with you just try to keep your conversation somewhat short without being rude) I don't see why you shouldn't go. Then again, like I said, if my husband would let me, I would stay home :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: broken07
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:02am

Broken07, based on what I understand about your situtation, your ILs don't care for you and your husband continues to take their side, regardless of how you feel. Also, I recall your husband's behavior being abusive. That said, I think you should tell you husband in no uncertain terms that he can go see his family BY HIMSELF and YOU AND THE KIDS STAY BEHIND!! He doesn't need to take them with him.

You have bigger issues than your ILs. It sounds like you have trust, etc. issues with your husband. I think either marriage counseling or go to counseling by yourself to get some help with your confidence and other issues that you are having with him right now. Did you try to post on the Domestic Abuse board?








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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: broken07
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:07am
Where did you get the idea that my h is abusive???
If I have given you the wrong idea I am sorry. We
have gotten into argumanets where it turns into an
insult fest but nothing abusive like hitting. You
also made the commented that my h takes there side
and its more like they take his side and belive any
almost that he tells them. The are so blind to the
fact that he isn't the star dad they think he is or
husband for that matter. Any time I have ever told
them the truth about anything he gets really mad at
me. For example last year we didn't buy my kids any-
thing for easter. Three days befor easter he told me
not to spend any money on anything. I was thinking
about running to walmart to get them easter stuff
but was hesitant becuz he was getting mad at me every
time I spent money so when he said don't buy anything
I said ok and didn't go. Not a word was even mentioned
about easter from him. Well the il's call to talk to
the kids and the mil asked if we got them lots of stuff
for easter and I just said that we were taking them shopping
this upcoming weekend becuz we paid some bills. I thought
she was ok with what I had said and then 5 min later my
h calls me from work just hoppin' mad that I told the mil
that they didn't get easter on easter. So my h went to walmart
on his way home from work and spent a ton of money on both kids
to make me look like an a$$! The ils get mad when we don't pay
our bills on time but if something with the kids has to be put
off a few days becuz we did pay our bills then she is mad becuz
a holiday is put on hold. It just throws me for a loop. I also
told my h I'm not a liar. Thats why I don't even talk to the
IL's anymore or tell them anything. Does that make me a liar???



Edited 2/23/2007 4:04 pm ET by broken07
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken07
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:11pm
He isn't physically abusing you, but he is verbally. He sits there and bad-mouths you to his parents. Why? I think he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it. A loving husband does not verbally bash his wife to anyone let alone his parents. That is how he is abusive. He treats you like dirt, and allows his family to as well. I wouldn't allow your kids to go anywhere with him. You are worried that he won't return with your kids. Can you not see how this is bad? You are in a bad marriage, and its also bad for your kids. By allowing him to treat you this way, you are teaching them that its okay to either treat their spouse that way, or be treated that way. You need to do whatever it takes to get out of this marriage. He doesn't love you or respect you for that matter.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken07
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 7:31am
Um...well if you want to believe that, go ahead. But look at what you just wrote. You said that she offered you a plane ticket to wherever you want, if you gave up your child. Don't think that a person who does that won't at least attempt to plant seeds of doubt and hatred into your child's brain.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken07
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 7:33am
You are an adult. Your husband has no say in whether you go or stay home. Ick. The thought of my husband even thinking he had the power to "let" me do anything, makes me cringe.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: broken07
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 7:35am
I think that kind of behavior is abusive. You don't have to be hit to be abused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: broken07
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 12:39pm

Well,I guess I am just a guilty of saying mean and hurtful
things to him as he is to me. He really doesn't want to
argue in front of our kids. I'd be the guilty of that. I
unlike him can admit my wrongs. He never told me I couldn't
go I had told him when I first heard of him talking to his
mom about it I flat out said I wasn't going and then started
rethinking that becuz of a reply email back to the mil I'd
seen saying he has thought about pretending to take my dd
to school and really taking her the IL's but then had said
I'm not sure of the legalities of doing that. This was when
we were not getting along at all about a month ago. The mil
is mad becouse I don't work. I have had jobs and lose them
as quick as I get them becouse I have to go pick up sick
kids from school then I get sick which is more time off
work add in or becouse of my h work schedule. After losing
the 3ed job in a row I had enough of it and said I am sick
of getting a jobs and having to quit them or get fired in
3 weeks. Like I have said befor I think my mil is jealous
of the fact that I go out and she never did when her kids
were little. I refuse to have some man tell me I can't go
out and do something on my own just becouse I am married
and have kids. I think that the mil has some strange
obsession with her son as the email I read in the begining
from the mil
said I don't think there is any other female that loves you
more other then your daughter and your sister and then grandma
was put in (). He has told me in the past that any girl he
has ever dated his mom was nice at first then has picked them
apart and eventually scared the girl off or ruined the relationship
in some way. I guess he did tell her that and got her to agree
that it would be almost impossible for me to get a job right
now becouse of his work schdule. Anyway I didn't intend for
this to end up being so long.

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