Taking care of in-laws' relative
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| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:38pm |
My husband's sister, a single mom, just passed away. She left behind two grown children. Her daughter, Laurie, is married with a toddler. Her son, Mike, is handicapped. He can take care of himself a little (personal hygiene, etc), but can't drive and can't live by himself. Laurie doesn't want to take care of Mike, saying that her husband can't deal with Mike's handicapped, and it'll wreck her marriage if Mike stays with them. My husband's other sister doesn't want to take Mike in either, citing her health problem. My husband wants Mike to live with us. I have two toddlers and am a stay-at-home mom. I don't think it's fair for me to have to take of Mike, since my husband travels a lot for work. Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated.
Kittie

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My first thought is, "Aw. Poor Mike." The immediate one following is, "Wow. How, um, generous of your hubby to offer *your* time, *your* energy and *your* parenting skills to care for this boy while he is off doing something totally removed from Mike's day to day life."
I have to agree with dan's foxy wife on this one. The two of you *TOGETHER* work out a way to care for Mike without him moving into your home.
I dare say your husband hasn't the faintest idea about what daily care of Mike *OR* the daily care of his own two toddlers actually entails.
Good luck to you, I hope he sees the light quickly and works *with* you to find a suitable arrangement.
ilve2read
My SIL has cerebral palsy, so I sort of understand what you are going thru.
Good luck to you.
I have to come out for this post. With not knowing the full extent of Mike's disabilities.....Has anyone thought to ask MIKE what HE wants? He might not want to go to a house with two toddlers. That would solve some of your issues right there.
I agree that you really need to talk to DH and explain the best situation for him probably is not with you and kids. Group homes aren't the terrible places they once were and with out someone to cater to him he may even become more able to do for himself. With a little leg work and research together you and DH can find the right fit for him.
Good luck with this,
Liza in WI
Mommy to Samantha, Travis, Eva and #4 due 7/6ish
Wife since 1999
I read your other posts too, so I will address them all as a group.
I don't think that you should feel badly for not wanting to take Mike in. I am the mother of a child with Autism. Some days, I feel like I cannot take anymore. I also have a niece who is brain-damaged and at 17, has the mentality of an 8 yr old. My mother is raising her (long story~sister in jail, etc.). I know that if something happened to Mom, we would look after Niece. But I know, at least at this point, that I can handle it. I also plan to help her be as independent as she can be, like I am teaching my son to be.
But, not everyone is cut out for dealing with a disabled person day to day to day. It is easy for your husband to be pissy about it and make you feel badly, isn't it? I mean, HE will not be there to actually do any of the "work". He won't have to deal with much. And really, what makes Laura's marriage more important than yours?
I also have to ask, like the other poster did. What does MIKE want? Is he able to convey his needs and wants? If so, he should be asked. Perhaps he would benefit more from a group home. I think that it is unfair for everyone to just assume YOU should be Mike's caretaker, while they all get to opt out.
A marriage counselor is a very good idea. Perhaps an objective person pointing out how easy it is to feel noble when one isn't actually *doing* the noble act, but getting someone else to do it instead will help him see how far off from appropriate his actions are. I do hope this emotional manipulation is not typical for him.
Group homes are better than they used to be, much smaller and more human than a huge institution.
Did Mike's mother leave money for his care? Any arrangements at all made before she passed? Info on who is on Mike's professional health team?
{{{{hugs}}}}
ilve2read
Um..she is the trustee but doesn't want to spend money for a home for Mike? It is his money. It is for his care and unless she wants to take him in, she ought to be taking care of business.
As for your husband, I stand by my other post. I think it is nice that he wants to take care of his brother. If he stays home, and he would be doing most of the work, he would have that luxury of doing what he wants as far as Mike is concerned. But since it is YOU, he doesn't have the right to make that kind of decision without your approval.
I am not one to suggest counseling, as I do not believe it to be the cure-all for all of life's ills, but in this case, perhaps a neutral third party would be just the thing to make your husband and his family see how selfish they all are being.
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