Taking care of in-laws' relative

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Taking care of in-laws' relative
19
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:38pm

My husband's sister, a single mom, just passed away. She left behind two grown children. Her daughter, Laurie, is married with a toddler. Her son, Mike, is handicapped. He can take care of himself a little (personal hygiene, etc), but can't drive and can't live by himself. Laurie doesn't want to take care of Mike, saying that her husband can't deal with Mike's handicapped, and it'll wreck her marriage if Mike stays with them. My husband's other sister doesn't want to take Mike in either, citing her health problem. My husband wants Mike to live with us. I have two toddlers and am a stay-at-home mom. I don't think it's fair for me to have to take of Mike, since my husband travels a lot for work. Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated.

Kittie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:21pm
I suggest sitting with your husband lovingly and telling him that the two of you will do what ever needs to be done to assure that Mike has adaquite care, but that coming to live in your house, with two small toddlers, just is not going to happen. This isn't up for discussion, it's informing him of what you two will do, and will not do. It is not to be said in anger, but with loving authority. Taking care of Mike does not need to mean taking IN Mike. There are options that are available to you with out bringing him into your home.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 9:38pm

My first thought is, "Aw. Poor Mike." The immediate one following is, "Wow. How, um, generous of your hubby to offer *your* time, *your* energy and *your* parenting skills to care for this boy while he is off doing something totally removed from Mike's day to day life."

I have to agree with dan's foxy wife on this one. The two of you *TOGETHER* work out a way to care for Mike without him moving into your home.

I dare say your husband hasn't the faintest idea about what daily care of Mike *OR* the daily care of his own two toddlers actually entails.

Good luck to you, I hope he sees the light quickly and works *with* you to find a suitable arrangement.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 7:46am
I think I would insist that the sibblings check into a group home for their handicapped brother. I agree that unless you are in total agreement and really want to care for your BIL, that you should never be asked to do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:56am
Thank you all for your advices. I don't think I have what it takes to care for Mike, even though I do feel very bad for him. His mom was very devoted and dotted on him. My husband doesn't want him to live in group home and is pressuring me to take him in. I love my husband and my kids, but I don't think I can survive, or our marriage will survive if Mike lived with us. My husband makes me feel like I'm a bad person if I don't take Mike in, but I think I'll become a really bad person if I take him in and can't take care of him. This is wearing me out. I think I'll talk to a marriage counselor and see if she can help me talking sense to my husband. Thanks again for being my sounding board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:11am
Wow...I hope the whole family can work together to find a happy ending. Without making Mike feel unwanted. It would be unfair for anyone to be coerced into taking him in, he will, after all, need care for the rest of his life...
My SIL has cerebral palsy, so I sort of understand what you are going thru.
Good luck to you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2002
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:25am

I have to come out for this post. With not knowing the full extent of Mike's disabilities.....Has anyone thought to ask MIKE what HE wants? He might not want to go to a house with two toddlers. That would solve some of your issues right there.

I agree that you really need to talk to DH and explain the best situation for him probably is not with you and kids. Group homes aren't the terrible places they once were and with out someone to cater to him he may even become more able to do for himself. With a little leg work and research together you and DH can find the right fit for him.

Good luck with this,
Liza in WI
Mommy to Samantha, Travis, Eva and #4 due 7/6ish
Wife since 1999

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:51am

I read your other posts too, so I will address them all as a group.

I don't think that you should feel badly for not wanting to take Mike in. I am the mother of a child with Autism. Some days, I feel like I cannot take anymore. I also have a niece who is brain-damaged and at 17, has the mentality of an 8 yr old. My mother is raising her (long story~sister in jail, etc.). I know that if something happened to Mom, we would look after Niece. But I know, at least at this point, that I can handle it. I also plan to help her be as independent as she can be, like I am teaching my son to be.

But, not everyone is cut out for dealing with a disabled person day to day to day. It is easy for your husband to be pissy about it and make you feel badly, isn't it? I mean, HE will not be there to actually do any of the "work". He won't have to deal with much. And really, what makes Laura's marriage more important than yours?

I also have to ask, like the other poster did. What does MIKE want? Is he able to convey his needs and wants? If so, he should be asked. Perhaps he would benefit more from a group home. I think that it is unfair for everyone to just assume YOU should be Mike's caretaker, while they all get to opt out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:53am

A marriage counselor is a very good idea. Perhaps an objective person pointing out how easy it is to feel noble when one isn't actually *doing* the noble act, but getting someone else to do it instead will help him see how far off from appropriate his actions are. I do hope this emotional manipulation is not typical for him.

Group homes are better than they used to be, much smaller and more human than a huge institution.

Did Mike's mother leave money for his care? Any arrangements at all made before she passed? Info on who is on Mike's professional health team?

{{{{hugs}}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:11am
Mike is 22 years old, but has the mentality of a sweet 5 years old, or a terrible 2 depending on his mood. He always wants to live with his sister, but since she doesn't want to take him in, nor does his aunt, he has no other choice. My husband, being the "man of the house" always wants to take care of things. I'm in the position of "darn if I do, darn if I don't". I've looked at a few adult homes and I think Mike will like it there, and suggested that we take Mike there for a tour, but my husband doesn't want to hear any of that. Mike's mom left them both a large inheritance, at least to my standard, but as Mike's trustee, Laurie doesn't want to spend any money to pay for group home, which is pretty expensive, and she's been trying to talk my husband into taking Mike in. My husband is very fond of Laurie and Mike. She's a nice girl, but I'm beginning to resent her, her aunt, and my husband for putting me in this situation. I just want to add that Mike's aunt also doesn't work outside of the house, her only child is in college, but since her sister's pass away, she said she's having a nervous breakdown and cannot take care of Mike. Sometimes I just want to take my kids and walk away from this all.
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:12pm

Um..she is the trustee but doesn't want to spend money for a home for Mike? It is his money. It is for his care and unless she wants to take him in, she ought to be taking care of business.

As for your husband, I stand by my other post. I think it is nice that he wants to take care of his brother. If he stays home, and he would be doing most of the work, he would have that luxury of doing what he wants as far as Mike is concerned. But since it is YOU, he doesn't have the right to make that kind of decision without your approval.

I am not one to suggest counseling, as I do not believe it to be the cure-all for all of life's ills, but in this case, perhaps a neutral third party would be just the thing to make your husband and his family see how selfish they all are being.

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