Wedding invitation for step niece

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wedding invitation for step niece
5
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:08pm
We just got a "save the date" for an August wedding for my brother-in-law's stepdaughter (1,000 miles away). When we lived within a 2-3 hour drive and had our children's special birthdays (13, 16) and high school graduations, these relatives didn't even acknowledge our invitations or RSVP. His side of the family never visits, calls, etc. My husband basically calls his parents on birthdays, holidays and that's it. I do the gift sending for his parents only. DH says I have too high standards and that he is going to go by himself. I am hurt that he never supported me and the kids (adult children now) when I said I was hurt that his family could be so rude. I am wondering if anyone has been in this type of situation and could give some advice. PS - They also had a home wedding party and 50th anniversary party and e-mailed DH only, who then flew to this functions by himself.
Avatar for twinmommy4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:58am
wow, as rude as it is for your in-laws to do this, I think it's even ruder of your husband to not acknowledge what they are doing & to even go by himself on the few occasions that only he was invited to. By doing this, he is basically saying it's ok for them to treat you like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:12pm
Thank you for your opinion. I too was thinking this but thought DH was above that type of behavior. He generally doesn't want to "make waves" because we live a long distance away and have for about 19 years now. I'm having a hard time dealing with this stuff as I don't work and find that DH thinks I should do the gift buying, wrapping, mailing, for his family too.
Avatar for twinmommy4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:21pm
My husband also does not like to make waves. Because of this, they only continue to get worse. On the few occasions when he does say something, things get better for awhile (and then back to the same stuff) or we're ignored for awhile. Either way it's usually just a temporary fix, but knowing that my husband is standing by my side makes a big difference in how I feel. I feel for you, good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:51am
Hi Marthababe1, welcome!!! I agree that DH is being just as rude in allowing his family to treat you like that. Have you discussed with him his reasoning for why he thinks his family does this? Why doesn't he say anything to them? I can understand not making waves, but this has been going on for years now!!! This is just OK with him that you aren't invited? Is he trying to say that he cares more about his family's feelings than yours? I mean, if he cares so much about his family's feelings, maybe he should have married his family. :)

If I were you, I would stop all gift giving, etc. He EXPECTS you to do it? How about when you expect him to stand up for you?? Does that count to him?

I think its time for you and DH to have a real serious talk about this. Maybe tell him in a non-judgmental way that you feel slighted when he allows his family to treat you this way. Also, that if you are expected to just sit back and stay behind, then maybe he should do the gift-giving, gift wrapping, etc. DH can't have it both ways. He wants you to be there to give gifts, but when it comes time for an invite, he wants you to sit back and be OK with not being invited. I would pull the plug on all the gift-giving and tell him he can handle it all on his own. He's big enough to go by himself, he can go to the store himself and pick out a gift. :)

Just my 2 cents.

Avatar for sheri_bheri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:14pm
Well, you can take it one of three ways.

1) - They're grubbing for a present.

2) - They actually want some sort of reconciliation

3) - The step-niece is doing "the right thing" and not following family feuds in determining who she's inviting to her wedding.

I think this last one is entirely possible. At our wedding, MIL didn't want us to invite one of the Aunties because she was feuding with her, well you know what? I wasn't. And there was NO WAY I was starting my married life by SNUBBING one of my DH's Aunts. Ultimately, she didn't come, but she did us a favour by taking care of Grandma's cabins, so that Grandma could come to the wedding. I sent her a sincere thank you note for that, because I was glad to have at least one grandparent at our wedding.

Anyways, that's just my take.

Sheri