Were there ever signs???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Were there ever signs???
18
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:32pm

Hi All,

I anticipate being a full-fledged member of this page one day. I'm not married yet, but I see little signs that lead me to believe that I may have a future monster-in-law. So my question to you all is ... did you ever have signs while you were dating, what type of MIL you would have. I love my boyfriend to death and we have a wonderful relationship.

But I have a few concerns about my possible future MIL. See below:

1. She has already named her future grand-daughter(a combination oh her son's name and hers). And she actually put me on the spot in front of the family to ask me what I thought of that name, that she liked that name for a grand-daughter.

2. She said that it would be "over her dead body" for any of her grandchildren to attend public school (I come from a family of public school teachers).

3. When her son graduated from college, she took his diploma and locked it up in her office at work. She said thank you for the present.

4. She asked him when he is moving back "home." (She lives 500 miles away, and my boyfriend moved to my city after graduation. We were long-distance for a while). He told her that he does live at home. She got very angry and said "Home is where your mother is!"

5. Her friends double-teamed me to find out where I plan to live after I finish grad school, reminding me how great the job market is in their city. God forbid I just tell them that I like my own city better!

6. Although she does not know a single soul in my city (aside from her son and two of his friends), she announced that she has decided to retire and move here within the next few years!

These things may not sound so bad. There are MANY more, but these were the shortest ones that I could write about.

I always confide in my mom about these things. But after #6, she gave up. She said "sorry, honey...I don't have an answer for that one." What do you guys think? I know my boyfriend is her only child in the world, but my goodness!

Please please advise! =)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 6:47pm
Ok, you asked, so here is an answer. It's very simple. IF your man stands up to his mother and lets her know you are number one in his life, then he is a keeper. However, IF your man leaves you to fend for yourself so as to remain in his mother's good graces and not rock the boat, DUMP HIM NOW. You sound like a reasonable girl. When she suggested the combo name for the future granddaughter, what was his response? Let me tell you I speak from experience. My now ex-husband (we were married 20 years) actually suggested we name our daughter Trish after his mother Patricia, knowing full well she hated my guts from the get-go. The weekend we got engaged, I ran into her at lunch, she was by herself waiting for her friends, so I sat down and said hello, made chit chat and she looked me dead in the eye and said "My friends are saying a prayer that Kevin doesn't marry you". To this day, I am never prepared for people to speak rudely to me. Not knowing how to respond, I excused myself and found my own table where my fiance was going to be meeting me. I told him what she said and he just laughed and said, "That's ma!!" Throughout the years, there were many more episodes, the last of which resulted in me finally defending myself and drawing a line. It resulted in the end of my marriage. I hope you settle this now. It is not trivial. It is vital that your future husband puts you first in his life. If he cannot or will not, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:11pm
Run like hell.
She sounds like she is going to make your life a living nightmare.
I agree with the poster that said it depends on how your DH handles it.
If he is a mama's boy, it will get really ugly.
My MIL is a b*%@* on wheels now and always has been. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married DH.
Best of luck to you!
(Good thing you are looking at this now and not walking in with eyes wide shut).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 2:35pm

Well, she sounds desperate and scared. Especially if he's her only son. Honestly, I wouldn't try. I wouldn't fight her but I wouldn't try too hard with her either. Be polite you know, but seriously pick your battles. Start making yourself immune to her. That's what you have control over.

Do your best to keep distance between you and her and don't get in the way of boyfriend having contact with her. Even if you don't join him. I think after time, after seeing that her dramatics get no results or attention, I think she'll start coming back to earth. As long as your husband is in your corner, just don't sweat her. He is what is really important to you.

Oh and there were actually no signs for me at all. My MIL didn't start being difficult for me until about 2 years into the marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 5:40pm
For me there were no signs. Dh and I eloped after knowing each other only a month. MIL was fine until after I had my son. The only thing that she did before I had him was try to get us to name him after Dh, but we didn't want to. While it was annoying, I didn't see it as a huge problem. The problems came later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:23am
Sit down and have a serious talk with her. Lay out all your issues. If she's cool with it - awesome if not - run. Granted, I'm a little jaded. But run. It's not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 9:18pm

Hi swtladee06, welcome to the board!

Personally, my MIL has always been good to me and she has always treated me with respect. I am one of the lucky few who have not had any direct problems with their MIL. I may not like some of the things she says or does with others, but with me, she has been nothing but nice and considerate.

What does your boyfriend think about the things his mother says and does? Is he willing to stick up for you?








iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:29am
Good luck girl--i feel you on this one--i am moving out of my boyfriends house b/c of his mother--he told me that i need to get over it and stop letting his mother bother me--this is even when she insults me, makes fun of me, is disgusting and rude to me, and i let him know how i feel and what i expect----this did nothing for us and he will not stand up to either of his parents, especially his mom---she wants us to live w/ his parents once we get married, and not get our own house till we are married, and she made my fiance/boyfriend promise her we would not have sex till we got married-of course, he promised, but are still doing it anyway-and not that its any of her business what we do, him not standing up to her for me/us makes me feel so worthless....i know thats a terrible word, but its the truth and i have talked to him about this on multiple occasions, and nothing changes.....as a result, as soon as i can afford it, i am moving out......this might be his wake up call, or it might not be....we will see.....but as for that future mother in law, she has caused me many tears, sleepless nights, and much grief and heartache.....good luck sweetie!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 1:27pm

I have read through all the posts and I have to stress the part about him being able AND willing to stand up for you. I am a very strong person and knew my mil acted weird toward me but I ignored it and was too busy to deal with that crap. UNTIL she moved real close and everything changed. She has moved in for the kill. He loves his momma and won't say anything. She plays our children. It's awful.

I don't know, it's more than just signs....you are getting BILLBOARD-sized signs....I know it probably sounds really childish, but after 27 years of it, if I were you I would have to test out those shark-infested waters and see if he will support you. jmho....

Lena

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