What to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
What to do...
14
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 6:07pm

My husband and I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. My husbands father recently moved here from IL. My husband was raised only by his father so his father has ALOT of influence over him. Here is where it gets bad...the father in law asks for the kids to come over and swim at his house so we all go. My husband 's younger brother who is 18 has some girlfriends over and my father in law who is in his 50's ask the girls to remove their top so he can lick on their hoo hoos. He says this right in front of my 7 year old. He is constantly dropping the f bomb. We let him take the kids to the zoo previous to this happening and he didnt even put them in car seats and my youngest was two at the time. I didnt find this out till my 6 year old at the time told me and had it confirmed with my father in law. I have begged my husband to stand up to his father and ask him not to act this way around my children. He won't stand his ground with his father bc he says its not worth getting his dad all worked up!!! And that it didnt matter because his dad would never change.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 6:33pm
By the way my father in feels he has done nothing wrong and the fault is with his sons choice of a wife. My husband wants to have a relationship with his father and is willing to overlook anything he does. He doesnt see the kids as being in mortal danger...he agrees the kids should not spend the night with them but wants the kids to see them atleast once a month or more. By the way my FIL and my husband were toying with the idea of taking my son to a monster truck rally when the FIL was invited to a party so he blew the kids off for that. Not that I would let them go anyway but he didnt know that and is constantly lookin for the next good time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 7:23pm
You have a bigger problem than fil. You have a **HUGE** Dh problem. When your fil threatened your life and spit on you that was horrid. That your husband didn't even say something is awful. To protect you and your kids, even though it it passed file a police report so you can start a paper trail. Get you a journal and document this stuff. With how you describe things it sounds like you may need it. If someones dad at 18 had told me they wanted to lick my breast he would have been on the ground after kicking and I would left immediately. It is good for your kids that you recognize this fil is a dangerous person. It is hard to get your Dh to see that because he grew up with the crazy as normal. Two books by Susan forward "toxic parents" "toxic-in-laws"
I have heard of people giving the husband two business cards and telling them "choose" a counselor and a lawyer.
This case definitely calls for some counseling. Would your husband have tolerated a friend putting your children in the danger your fil did? If not then it should show him that just because fil is blood doesn't make it okay. If he says yes you have an even bigger.
No matter what stick to your guns and *NEVER EVER** let your kids be alone with this man and don't let your husband let them be alone.
You and the kids are your husbands family now. His dad became extended family once that occurred. He should be standing up for your guys and protecting you guys. Especially from this kind of horror. Your Dh didn't make a mistake in choosing you-he obviously wanted you as his life love. He did make several not saying something to his dad and not protecting you.
By any chance does your fil have a criminal record of some kind? That bit with the girls is such a rd flag. Also he has shown he doesn't care for your kids. Using the dog car seats but not the baby/toddler seat.
I wish I had more advice for you nut until your Dh sees that this is NOT NORMAL despite it being what he knows as normal.
If you can get him into counseling make sure it is NOT a "happy families at ALL costs" counselor. You need one experienced in this kind of mess. If your Dh wont go then definitely go for yourself and kids. Maybe he or she can help you with boundaries etc.
And a deep cyber hug. I know firsthand how much it hurts when someone who is supposed to love and protect you doesn't and keeps letting the abuser continue to abuse you.
Also you know this but make sure that you are never alone with this man. He has already made it clear it would be dangerous.
I wish you much luck and success getting this all worked out and hope your Dh gets his eyes opened soon
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 10:32am

This isn't your problem at all. It's your husband's. He can deal with it or not but you have every right and responsibility to protect yourself and your children, whatever that takes. I personally would never go near or let my children go near someone like that. I didn't think my own father was safe for my children so he never even met them until they were adults. Stand your ground. Whatever happens between you and your husband on this issue, you don't have any choice.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 1:37pm
Your FIL is dangerous & your first priority is to protect your kids. I'm sorry but if your DH doesn't see this then maybe you need to move on no matter how much you love him. How are you going to feel if one of your kids if injured or worst killed by your FIL's negligence? It sounds like your DH was at least an emotionally abused child. He needs help to deal with his feelings & priorities.

I know that people weren't as strict years ago about what kids should & should not do. Car seats were optional in my kids' days. They always had to ride in them when I was in the car. DH wasn't as strict as he hated the screaming. DH came from parents who lived through the war in England watching many of their follow air force pals not make it back or to crash on landing. Their approach to life was a bit different based on the horrors they saw. Their language wasn't always the greatest esp if they got upset. DH had a mouth on him when we were married that I was shocked to hear once he relaxed with us & his family loved to tell dirty jokes. Jokes & language weren't deliberate & when I pointed out something. They apologized immediately but it still happened. My iILs with exception of BIL would have done anything for the kids but stuff still happened even by DH.

Well, he is a grandfather now & there is never a "dirty" thought, idea or word out of his mouth around our DGS. He would not go anywhere without the car seat regardless of DGS's screams. He adores this child & plays with him in ways he never did with his own kids as he was too busy working his career. He has lectured our daughter when the odd swear word comes out of her mouth.

People can change but they have to want too. Your FIL doesn't want to change so you DH must if you remain in your marriage. Keep that record book & file the police report as you may need it for custody some day.

So sorry you are going through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 1:45pm

hammon_tree - welcome and I'm glad that you came here to ask for opinions and suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 4:48pm
Thanks for your reply. I will check into the book you suggested. I hope I can find a way to show my husband this is wrong...and he would never let anyone treat me this way except his father. What a mess! I was married to him and had kids long before I had ever met his father or the red flags would have went off for me too. Oh well cant change what is done the only thing to do is move forward. I am really letting my husbands reaction to his fathers craziness eat at me and I know it is forcing us apart. I love my husband but I really feel betrayed by his lack of action in this situation. He says he will always be close to his father because it is the only family he grew up with...there is no seperating him from this attachment. He says I am trying to make him chosse between myself and his father but the truth is his dad is a really bad person. I feel sick everytime his dad calls or trys to insert his self into our lives. My husband will refuse counseling but I think it would be good to get some advice for myself at how to best take on a situation like this. thanks for your input
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 4:54pm
Not to worry I will do EVERYTHING in my power to see that my kids are protected. I feel divorce is not an option bc my husband will end up getting them on weekends which means the FIL will find some way to get his hands on them. My husband will not naysay his dad until a child is hurt which he doesnt think will happen---what a joke
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 11:39am

Geeze...this isn't about your FIL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 12:12pm

I apologize for the tone of my previous post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 12:51pm

I have just read a great book called the Self-Centered Marriage by Hal Edward Runkel. It doesn't deal with situations as severe as what you are encountering but it has so many good principals in it regarding communication and boundaries.

What you mentioned about being afraid of leaving your DH and FIL having access when they are with DH had entered my head, too. I would have the same fear. For the time being, until you can find a long term resolution, I would do what PPs have recommended and that would be document, document, document. I know you love your DH and you know the good sides of him but, for now and for your children, you will have to document about him, too. Go in reverse and document as many details and conversations that you can remember that were inappropriate, frightening, or put your children at risk. Pool, young girls, dog, car seats, the event at the restaurant. Document your

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