What do I do?
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What do I do?
| Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:34am |
I have been in an inter-racial relationship for four years. His parents have never liked me because I am not Chinese. He finally asked me to marry him and needless to say, his parents were not very thrilled. My finance insists that they like me, but I don't see that.
Instead of offering their congratulations, they sat me down and had a "talk" with me. They told me that I need to embrace their culture and that I need to learn how to speak another language so that I am not "left out" when I come to see them. Then they explained to me that there is a hierarchy in Asian families and the parents are number one so I must always respect them.
This conversation didn't exactly welcome me to their family, it made me upset and pretty much hate them more then I did before. Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips on what I should do?
Instead of offering their congratulations, they sat me down and had a "talk" with me. They told me that I need to embrace their culture and that I need to learn how to speak another language so that I am not "left out" when I come to see them. Then they explained to me that there is a hierarchy in Asian families and the parents are number one so I must always respect them.
This conversation didn't exactly welcome me to their family, it made me upset and pretty much hate them more then I did before. Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips on what I should do?

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I will apologize for being so excitable. I am passionate to a fault, actually. It is hard for me not to be when I see people seemingly using their culture as an excuse to mistreat others.
I did understand you. Fully. Maybe the way I worded it was not the best, but the written word sometimes does not convey tone and inflection, the way the spoken word does.
I will assure you that I am not ignorant and I am DEFINITELY not uneducated. I am also not right about everything and have never thought so. But, just because something has been done forever, does not make it right, either.
I am outraged that in the 21st century, in some places, it is perfectly fine to treat your daughter-in-law or even women in general, badly.
I can agree to disagree with you, though.
I can agree fully that at least the parents gave the OP a "heads up". Now she can decide if she wants to be last in her man's life, or not.
Peace.
Edited 12/23/2006 10:14 pm ET by mom2danjam
Thanks for the suggestion. I don't mind doing other things that I have never tried before or being part of something that I am not used to. We do have some friends that are in relationships like ours so it would be beneficial to speak to them about that.
Thanks everyone.
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Hi Pranic
I am also married to someone from another culture and at first it was a bit of a culture shock with his mom. My MIL also thinks that she should come first in her two sons' lives, although it's not necessarily part of their culture. Luckily I am the apple of my husband's eye, and I know he prefers my company to anyone elses'. However, it doesn't mean that his MIL still hasn't come between us with some of her stunts, and because of some financial business that happened before my hubby and I met.
A lot does depend on how your fiance feels. There are definitely challenges when it comes to marrying into another culture. I learned a new language (but not because of my MIL) but it helps us to communicate, and I've also tried to learn a lot more about the culture and her hobbies and likes and dislikes, and it has helped us to bond, somewhat. HOWEVER, I think it's vital that they realize you are your own person and that you are a strong person and not willing to let your own beliefs and values slide for those of someone else. Anyway, I have made progress but the honest truth is that in a few months, when we move (God willing), my MIL is going to hate me no matter what for taking her son away. But, if you're planning on sticking close by, get to know their culture and take the good stuff, the things that are interesting to you. The rest of it, leave behind. And things will work out, as long as you have your fiance's support.
Your advice was much needed and I think that you gave me some great ideas on how to deal with them, especially trying to understand their culture while not giving up my own.
Thanks! :)
Deleted on my own accord, so I wouldn't ruffle any feathers.
Do you think learning chinese is something you can do? Personally I would think it was a bit unreasonable but that's just me. It would be extremely difficult for me to learn a new language at this day and age. This is America, people are treated different here than they would be at any other part of the world. I also agree that culture is an excuse to mistreat people. Not to disrespect any culture but I'm talking strictly about certain beliefs. In America you leave your parents house to start a new life with you spouse yet in other countries everyone lives together in the same house, grandparents, uncles, aunties, nephews, nieces, etc. In America we don't make human sacrifices yet in other parts of the world it is a ritual. Again, I'm not in anyway suggesting chinese or any other culture is wrong or right; it's only a matter adapting to the American culture when living in this country and realizing things are done differently here.
You need to stand up for your beliefs and make it known you will not let them use culture to bully you. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say but you will regret making any decision you don't feel comfortable with. And like the other ladies said, your fiance's opion matters more. If he's doesn't believe they should come first then you got nothing to worry about. But if he's intimidated by his culture and his parents then you need to be cautouse and decide whether or not this is the right man for you.
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