What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
What do I do?
28
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:34am
I have been in an inter-racial relationship for four years. His parents have never liked me because I am not Chinese. He finally asked me to marry him and needless to say, his parents were not very thrilled. My finance insists that they like me, but I don't see that.
Instead of offering their congratulations, they sat me down and had a "talk" with me. They told me that I need to embrace their culture and that I need to learn how to speak another language so that I am not "left out" when I come to see them. Then they explained to me that there is a hierarchy in Asian families and the parents are number one so I must always respect them.
This conversation didn't exactly welcome me to their family, it made me upset and pretty much hate them more then I did before. Does anyone have any similar experiences or tips on what I should do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:57am

Well, I think that the cultural issue, regardless of if they are Chinese or not, is a big deal. A lot of times people are afraid of losing their traditions. I don't think it's you personally, and I would agree with the poster who said that by sitting you down, they probably like you and respect you. I am in an interracial relationship, and my boyfriend's parents are of course afraid of losing part of their culture, upset that their kids don't follow cultural and religious traditions as much as they do, etc. I think that they like me as a person but are afraid that what they worked so hard to build may be lost. I don't necessarily agree that when you come to America you have to relinquish your culture when you step off the plane. If we all did that, this country would be boring and not at all the place that all of the wonderful immigrants (all of us) have made it. I think that they are trying to express their fears to you and did not appropriately express them. There is a lot you would probably want to do for them because they are your fiance's parents and you love your fiance. And it is unfortunate that they sort of told you, "You ARE going to do XYZ." They should have let you offer to do things, which in time I think you would want to do.

As for learning Chinese, I've heard different thoughts on this. My boyfriend's parents have no expecatation that I learn their language and in fact say, "We're in America, so speak English." That said, they don't always speak English and so I often have no clue what they are saying. But I am slowly learning just from listening, and they are amazed at what I pick up. So I am showing interest, but I am definitely not going to classes at this point. Other relatives have asked when I will sign up in classes, etc. Someone I know who was in an interracial marriage that did not work out said that his former inlaws were always pressing him to learn their language and that he didn't and wouldn't, that we are in America and must speak English. If you do learn Chinese, I think it should be for you and because you are interested in the language. And they should be willing to help you with this.

I hate the "culture" or "tradition" card, because it's hard to argue with. I think that maybe you should sit down with them and say that you are prepared to embrace their culture when in their house and that you are ready to respect them because they are your fiance's parents. Then I think you should explain that you expect the same in return, not because their culture dictates it, but because your fiance chose you as his wife-to-be. Maybe he could participate in the conversation. In other words, you can appreciate their cultural requirements and beliefs, but you expect the same in return. You will do what you are able to do to help them, but you are not able to sacrifice your entire existence for them and would not want your own children to do that with you. They have to compromise somewhat, and they may find that they like some "American" traditions. I tihnk that with time, they will start to realize that. They may just be scared that you are somehow going to take their culture away from them. Just by showing interest, you can show that's not who you are.

You might want to check out the Interracial and Interfaith Relationships message board. I visit that board a lot and there are a lot of people on that board who have gone through what you are going through.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:43pm
Again, Never Mind.


Edited 1/6/2007 12:52 pm ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:46pm

I believe her exact words were 'Amen Ingie'.
You read all of that from these two words..? You must have special powers...:)

ETA: mom2danjam changed her original post. So this is now irrelevant. Please ignore this now.




Edited 1/6/2007 12:52 pm ET by ingie2004
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:48pm

I just want to clarify, although you did not address me, that I do not feel that people should check their culture and traditions at the gate when they step off of the plane or boat, when moving to America.

I just feel that some people use their culture and traditions to oppress others and I feel that it is wrong to do so, no matter where you are from.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:49pm
You know what? Never mind.


Edited 1/6/2007 12:51 pm ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:56pm
I think that this is excellent advice and I couldnt agree more with most of what you have said. Both parties need to respect each other's values and traditions and be open to accepting the other. That's the only way inter-racial relationships can ever work. When one party says "I'm right and YOU need to change", that just ends all possibilities for compromise. It really has to work both ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 3:15pm
A lot of you said it was a respectful thing for his parents to sit her down to have a talk with her. But where's the respect in telling her that she will come 2nd in her husband's life? I honestly think they meant to intimidate her. As another post said "culture is an excuse to bully people" that may not be true in all case but to me it sure is in this one. I don't believe there's anything respectful about the talk they had with her. It was only a warning sign of what she's got coming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:49am

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