What should I do?
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What should I do?
| Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:23am |
Not sure what to do here. My wife and my mother used to have a great relationship. Talk on the phone, go shopping, etc. About a year ago my mother started dropping subtle hints that she didn't care for my wife. This past weekend my mother was visiting from out of state and seemed to really enjoy spending time with us and our 1yr.old son. Out of the blue my mother decided to leave a little earlier than scheduled. She even left without saying goodbye to my wife who was in the bathroom at the time. We were shocked and perplexed by this as her behavior truly came out of nowhere. I spoke to my mother the following day but was hesitant to bring up the issue for fear of gettimg into a huge argument. She was very pleasant to me on the phone but didn't even mention my wife at all. This leads me to believe she has a problem with my wife. However, we have NO IDEA what this problem could be. Since my mother lives out of state we rarely see her, so I do not want to risk getting into ar argument that leads to not seeing her at all. My instinct is to not mention it at all and pretned it never happened during the one or two times per year that we actually do get together. Any advice how to deal with this?

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Hmmm. Do you know who her primary care doctor is? You can write a letter to that doctor outlining all the changes you've noticed and how long it's been. The doctor cannot tell you anything about your mother's health, but would (hopefully) address these changes with your mother. If you do this, be as detailed as possible about what is different, but try to be objective and factual.
I would suggest approaching your mother with concern for her health first, though. She may have noticed these changes too, and be nervous or scared of what they could mean. Do you have a sibling who can go to a doctor visit with her? She may be more willing to get checked out, with a support person.
It can be hard to watch our parents age, they are supposed to be big and strong like they were when we were little! But it can be a tremendous gift to offer care to a parent, and a tremendous gift to accept it. Well, for some people, anyway. Others have trouble giving or accepting such an "intimate gift".
I wish you the best, and I hope your mom's issue is something treatable.
lve2read
Hi. First of all, I read your post, and got scared for a moment that you were my Husband! When you said you had a son, I let out a sigh of relief.. we have a daughter.
Just want to thank everybody for sharing their views and feelings and give an update. I had a discussion with my mother last night. Something I failed to mention is that my wife is expecting our 2nd child and is really struggling with an extreme case of morning (noon and night) sickness. She constantly feels nauseous and vomits 3-5 times per day. So during my mother's visit I felt it was understandable if my wife wasn't very talkative. My mother did not make this connection. She felt my wife's mood was as a result of something she had done and my wife might be upset with her. By the end of the weekend my mother said she felt uncomfortable and unwanted which is why she left so abruptly. I spent the next 30 minutes explaining to my mother that her assumptions were ridiculous and untrue. My wife has, frankly been miserable ever since she got pregnant. She cannot hold any food down and can barely care for our 15 month old, let alone have a conversation with me or anyone else. She has missed a lot of time from work and even spent some time in the hospital. It has not been an easy thing to deal with in my household, and apparently since my mother lives 800 miles away she is so far removed from the situation she really couldn't grasp it. After I explained all of this to my mother, she said she felt better about the situation and would call my wife today.
While it seems my mother has had some closure on the issue, my wife has not. She cannot believe my mother would accuse her of intentionally being rude and is reluctant to talk to her. My wife feels she can't be herself around my mother and constantly has to portray a happy mood or my mother will get upset. I actually agree with my wife on this. It is ridiculous that my mother gets so easily offended. As I said before, she was never like this before. She has known my wife for 6 years and never had even the slightest problem. We are scheduled to go visit her in January and my wife is not at all looking forward to this trip. I will do my best to explain to my mother that she cannot take anything my wife does personally, given her current mental and physical health. I'm just hoping this all works out and doesn’t escalate into an even uglier situation
Thanks
Edited 11/3/2006 1:23 pm ET by patience_is_a_virtue
Your poor wife! My heart goes out to her. It's too bad she doesn't feel well. Hopefully the sickness will pass as she goes to the next trimester. I will keep her in my thoughts. We too are thinking of having another child soon, and our DD is 22 months old right now. I am considering how difficult it may be to have to raise one while being pregnant. Good luck to you and family!
First, you're a very smart man for asking.
Second, you sound like my husband, who I adore, but wants me and his mother to behave like men do, which we aren't. Most men can just kind of let stuff roll off and move on. Women don't.
Third, did you ask your wife how she feels about what happened? If she's puzzled and hurt, then I think you should address her concerns. She's the one you sleep next to every night, and she's the one you come home to. Your mother will always be your mother, but your wife doesn't have to always be your wife. In my honest opinion, you need to be more concerned about what your wife wants than about treading lightly on your mother.
Forth, as long as you and your wife share a house, family and life, all those who visit you should treat both of you with respect and always be polite. It's really not acceptable for anyone to come in and be rude to one spouse, while the other spouse turns a blind eye.
See, you and your wife have a child together and it sounds like your mother started to vocalize disapproval with her around the time your son was born. My guess is that Mom doesn't like the kind of mother your wife is, for some undisclosed reason. Unless you have problems with your wife's parenting, you probably need to put an end to any thought Mom is having that there are problems.
Have you thought about how you would feel if it were a member of your wife's family being rude to you in this manner, especially after you thought that you had a great relationship? How would you feel if she wanted you to just ignore that person's behavior so that she could see him/her and didn't have to broach an uncomfortable subect?
Likewise, have you thought about how your wife would feel if it were her family doing this to you? How do you think she would handle it?
If you just ignore bad behavior, and yes, leaving without saying goodbye when your wife is in the bathroom is indeed bad behavior, can't you see that it will just progress? If you want your wife to accept this silently now, where will you draw the line?
I hope this helps you. Just remember that you chose your wife and vice versa, and you should respect each other above all others.
Good luck.
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