What would you think about this??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What would you think about this??
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Wed, 04-02-2003 - 7:57pm
In January we got a Christmas card from mil's brother and wife. Inside was a note from their daughter to our oldest son saying how they all miss us. We have tried in the past to contact them but they never bothered responding so we just figured that they feel like the rest of that family does. (We are the bad guys.) But, I took the time anyway and sent the wife an email telling her that the card was thoughtful and asked when a good time to call and talk was. I never heard back. Then, Monday there was a card in the mail addressed to The so-and-so Family. I opened it and in it is a Communion announcement/invitation for next week for their daughter. I have a feeling like it is meant for us not to attend but to send money. Hub's hasn't talked to them and I know he is hurt by it. Before we split from his mother and father (who are divorced), he spoke to this uncle and aunt and of course they said they totally understood and supported us. Of course, supported it until it happened. I know it isn't the children's fault about any of this, but they never acknowledged our kids events when invited. I just feel like it is another handout situation.

Thanks for reading,

Kel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:16pm
I know as adults you don't always want to do tit for tat, so sometimes the best response is no response. I can understand about being slighted by family (for WHATEVER reason they have - and your imagination can probably come up with some doosies compared to what they're really thinking). For what you described, after your attempts to reach out were not returned, I'd probably just let it go or respond with something VERY simple (i.e. maybe just a congrats card or email, but no money or going).
Avatar for scandal76
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:31pm
I agree. I really don't feel that we were invited to actually show up there. I also don't believe that a family event, especially a religious one, is the place for all of us to see each other for the first time in a year. There were alot of hateful things said and done on both sides that it would just be agonizing for not just me but my hubs as well. Thanks for the advice. I will shop for a card this weekend but it will definitly not be a money card. Take care,

Kel
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:35pm
Good outlook! Makes a lot of sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:55am
I think sending a card would be good. No $$ no gift. I think that is probably what they are looking for, and that is probably why they contacted you saying "they missed everyone." Yea, missed everyone because now they are looking for a gift. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2002
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:09pm
Hi,

I mentioned this before to someone else.

When my DS had his Bar Mitzvah, my parents came over. Some cousins of my father, who I do not even remember sent a "gift" to my son. I received three donation certificates, stating that money was donated in my son's name, to honor his Bar Mitzvah. I believfe that they did not een mention the amount donated.

You can put something like this in the card, thus showing that you are honoring the birth of their child and respecting them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:10pm
I agree with you, Kel. In a situation where there is definite ill will, the time and place to get back together is not at a family function (especially a religious one for a child). If they really missed you and were concerned about mending fences, they could've contacted you to see about getting together to hash things out. Even if things didn't turn out amicably 100%, at least the effort was made. But to just invite you without dealing with the past situation is really classless in my mind.

I don't like to keep score in most situations, but where my son is concerned, I have to. I will not acknowledge someones kid who's parents have snubbed mine. It may be wrong, I'll be the first to admit but I believe in do unto others....

Good luck

Mel,

Avatar for scandal76
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 12:45pm
Thanks Mel. I totally agree about it. We go from not hearing from these people for a year and not being included in anything to being invited to things that they know we won't attend with their intention being for us to send gifts (or money). The thing that really irritates me about it is the invitation came from people who in the past we had spent alot of time with and were close with until hubs had a fallout with his youngest brother, mother and father. I am still amazed at how people can make private issues their business. There was no reason at all for anyone else in his family to be involved in this "dispute" in any way. The only thing that we thought of was that mil played the pity card with them and only told her side, (which unfortunately happens often I hear) and they chose to believe what they wanted to hear. It is really sad, but I think it is for the better in our situation. We have accepted that this is how it has to be. I just get caught off guard when stuff like this comes up. I don't even want to acknowledge the invitations. I understand what you said about keeping scores when your son is involved. My oldest son is from a previous marraige (he is 8). We also have 2 boys together. Mil always would say that she loved them all the same. Which, I knew better. My oldest has always been an afterthought with her. She never spent time with any of them unless it was to show off and she has also on several occasions cut me down for not giving her a grand-daughter. That has always been a sore spot with me about her. And honostly, I wouldn't trade all my boys for even one little girl just to make that woman happy. Anyways, Thanks again for your reply and take care.

Kel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 1:18pm
OMG Kel. What you said about people jumping into things that don't really concern them. Can I bend your ear for a minute to tell you a funny (NOT) story?

My sil and my dh had "strained" relations before this incident but this was the icing on the proverbial cake....

We decided one year that we were not going to SIL's for Christmas for many reasons (way too long to tell...let's just say that we got sick of telling them when we'd be there and showing up early and seeing all the gifts already unwrapped...)So, anyway, we sent gifts with MIL and FIL to their kids (we had long stopped exchanging gifts with each other for many many reasons). Anyway, I had spent the same amount of money on both kids but because sil's son got a bunch of packages to open and her daughter only got one, I decided to get her another little toy. I picked out 101 dalmations book that played sounds/music etc. Too bad it was in Spanish (and BIL is 1/2 Puerto Rican). I will say this till the day I die...1. I could care less what nationality he is, I never made an issue of it before so why would I start now, and toward their daughter no less. and 2. It was purely an accident...all the books were mixed together and it said 101 Dalmationes rather than Dalmations....so, they get the gifts..Late (like in Feb) because MIl didn't bother to give them to them earlier. So, we get this hysterical phone call (not from BIL or SIL mind you) but from FIL SCREAMING "what do you have against my grandkids that you would do such a mean thing to them?" Now in my mind, If you want to be pissed, go ahead but let me explain (nope, no opportunity, just reamed me out and my DH) and also, is it my job to shield my SIL's kids from their heritage? If she was hiding it, it's not my problem, it's hers. But, I repeat, nothing of the kind happened, It was PURELY an accident.

We didn't speak to them again until a few weeks later when we were supposed to be going to a party for DH's uncle at SIL's house. THe phone rings and BIL tell's DH "we're going over the guest list for Uncle's party and we've decided that you and your wife are not welcome in our house..." Over a book.

Long story short (sort of), My MIL won't come to our house because, we "refuse to go to SIL's". She has selective alzheimers (she forgot we don't go because we were told we're not welcome.

It just got worse from there. It was only to illustrate your point about people embroiling themselves in a situation that they clearly don't belong...MYOB!

Well, thanks for the vent and good luck with your IL's.

Mel

Avatar for scandal76
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 1:49pm
Oh Mel...It just goes to show you how petty people can be. I totally agree how silly it is for you to be labled wrong when you actually did something most would consider cool or very appreciated. We aren't Hispanic, but my best friend is and she would always bring English to Spanish toys and teach my oldest son Spanish. I always got a huge kick outta how quickly he learned and how fascinating it was to me that at such a young age he knew two languages. I was never offended. But, like you said-there was already rough feelings there amongst you all and they just took the opportunity to really run with the Christmas gift. I just hope they didn't express their feelings about it in front of the children. How awful. If I was you, I wouldn't want to do for any of them ever again. I just think that is so ungrateful. And, the whole thing about selective memory-we have had that happen too. Where mil would tell other family members that she is responsible for letting us know about family gatherings and such (back before we cut ties) and she wouldn't tell us until after the function took place. That used to burn me off pretty good cause we would look like idiots. Or, we would invite her to our house for stuff and in front of other family members she would make a big deal about being there and then just wouldn't show. I have seriously never known people like this. It blows my mind. Take care,

Kel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 3:20pm
I used to get really put off at the derogatory remarks my SIL would make (in jest according to her) about my BIL being 1/2 Puerto Rican. I would be highly insulted if it was me and my DH was making comments about me going to school to learn how to steal hub caps...she said that. I would fume. I once told my DH to knock off the mob jokes (I'm Italian). Now, I realize that he is only kidding and it doesn't bother me at all. (yes, my name ends in a vowel so don't piss me off, I'd tell him...it was all in jest and as long as no one got hurt, it was ok.)

That being said, I am proud that my son is part me (Italian) and part my DH (Irish, Swiss German, etc) and if I could speak Italian I would be just as proud to teach it to him. What my sil did when she got upset about that book was tell me that she is not proud of her kids heritage but in fact ashamed of it. Her reaction said more about her than my actually buying the book said about me. I know my buying it was a mistake, her reaction was intentional.

Isn't this site great? It so nice to know that there are others in the world with the same problems. It's so nice to know when it gets tough, that we are not alone.

Anyway, take care.

Mel

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