Who deserves the "heads up"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Who deserves the "heads up"?
17
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 11:11pm

When my DH's parents want to come and visit, don't you think it's only appropriate that they call me as well (just as a courtesy of course) to check and see if it would be a good time for them to infringe on my life once again? Afterall, I do have a busy household with three school age children. You see, they think they are coming to visit in less than a month yet they've never ONCE talked to me about it or even mentioned their upcoming visit to me during any conversation we've ever had. I wouldn't ever think of planning a visit to see someone before I cleared it with everyone first. It's as if they don't think they need to check with me about anything but I just feel it's rude. What do you guys think? I need your opinions!

Edited 4/9/2007 11:21 pm ET by blessedwiththebest

Edited 4/9/2007 11:23 pm ET by blessedwiththebest




Edited 4/9/2007 11:24 pm ET by blessedwiththebest

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:07am
As long as my inlaws check with my husband first and he then checks with me to give the go ahead I dont care. I dont consider it rude.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 12:54pm
Wait. Who do they check with? If they check with your husband, their son, then no I don't think they need to ALSO check with you, that's just asinine. It's your husbands responsibility to ensure that it's doable for his entire family before giving his parents the go ahead.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:36pm
Well that's just the problem Kate - he doesn't always - and the in-laws know this. He's kind of in the middle. He knows I don't appreciate their frequent visits and they probably know this as well. They set up their little deals with him with the hopes that by the time I find out about it, it will be too late to change plans.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:50pm

if your husband checked with you and you OKd it, then i think it's ok. (be happy ... if your in-laws are anything like mine, i'd rather my husband have any and all contact). if he did not check with you, it's just plain wrong. that may be something you have to reiterate with him ... that any and all visits are cleared through you first before approved. after all, i'm sure you have more of a handle on the kids' schedules than he does, NOT TO MENTION YOUR OWN!

a month's notice is pretty acceptable. i'd be happy with two weeks. if it makes you feel any better, recently my mother-in-law called my husband (after not making any contact with our family in over four months ... and yes, that includes our daughter's 1st birthday, christmas, and any other holiday/occasion you might expect a "grandmother" to want to inquire about her granddaughter ... although that's expecting too much of this woman, who has only called 3 or 4 times since the baby was born, and that was 16 months ago)and TOLD my husband that she was coming in 5 days and that she was going to see us (thankfully, she was staying with his grandmother, but still ...)

to make matters worse, we were just arriving home from a medically necessary trip to the west coast with our daughter (which we were dreading, but which actually turned out OK, for the most part) two days previous to her visit, and i was pregnant and exhausted. BUT HE STILL allowed her to come, because, heaven knows, he'll take any attention she'll throw our way ... he's THAT desperate.

so, we got to sit through her miserable, stony faced visit, during which she shows minimal interest in our baby, but wants to show us pictures of things she's done and talk about my husband's siblings to us. pathetic! thankfully, it was only a few hours!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:34pm
What is WRONG with Mother-In-Laws these days (and even some FIL's)?!?! If nothing else, at least we can all learn a good lesson from them on how NOT to treat a daughter-in-law or son-in-law when and if they do come into our lives someday. It's such a shame...so much time wasted with frustration when it should be and could be a good thing. Sorry to hear about yours. She sounds like a real joy. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:42pm
Kate....."that's just asinine"? That was putting it gently. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:03pm

Well eek! Then your problem is with your husband and not his parents. Your husband should never be in the middle, as when he married you he joined sides with YOU. It's unfortunate if he doesn't "get" that. When you sat with your husband and told him it is extremely disrespectful to put them above you what did he say? When you told him that by going secretively with them plotting behind your back was forsaking you, was putting your marriage assunder, two of his VOWS, what did he say? If you haven't said those two exact things to him I highly suggest you do, and see what he has to say for himself.


He is not in the middle though. Not ever. If he's not on your side he is on theirs and you don't have a marriage if your own husband isn't with you. There is no middle.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:39pm
"Well eek!" LOL:) I (almost) completely agree with you on this one but my problem is also with the in-laws. They're rude to me and yet they want me to welcome them into my home! I think that's pretty ignorant. Don't you think it's a LITTLE odd that they've never ONCE even MENTIONED their upcoming visit? They know that I don't know and they're FINE with that...it probably makes them happy! They are a problem for meddling in our marriage and causing so much tension like they do. Anybody with HALF a brain ought to know better than to think that the person they've been ROTTEN to for 14 years wants to have them as a guest in their home after they've finally "escaped" from the same darn city!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:07pm

Hmm. If you have received no *official* notice from your DH, then I would suggest making plans for you and the children for at least part of that time period. Do you enjoy parties with lots of children over? >:o)

Can you go *out of town* for the weekend? Have appointments so that *you* are unavailable to schlep *HIS* parents around?

Arrange it so that *HE* has to deal with *HIS* parents?

Change the locks on the doors and lock them all out, refusing to let *HIM* in until they've left? >:o)

Good luck to you.

ilve2read

Of course you could meet them at the door and just tell them that since no one had the courtesy to ASK if YOU were available, they are just on their own. After you've made sure that there are no clean dishes, no fresh groceries, and dust bunnies under the beds first.

I prefer the "direct communication" route, even when I lack the guts to actually use it!

PS To answer the question in your title, (pardon the yelling)THE ONE WHO IS DOING ALL THE ****WORK**** TO HANDLE THESE VISITS!!!! HELLO, CLUEBAT TO HUBBY'S HEAD!!!!! (I think I'm done now)




Edited 4/10/2007 8:09 pm ET by ilve2read
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 8:47pm
Oh, you are TOO funny! GREAT ideas but I have already told Hubby he needs to un-do the plans that he made without my consent. If it happens again though, I am SERIOUSLY going to take one of your ideas and put it to good use. Thanks for the laughs! That was really funny :)

Pages