whose responsibility is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
whose responsibility is it?
14
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:47pm

Just a question...whose responsibility do you think it is to remember/recognize b-days and other milestones of extended family members? For instance, when one of my siblings have a b-day coming up, I make sure I send a card, get a gift, etc. Then when its DH's siblings' birthdays, I think it is his responsibility to send cards from the kids etc, not mine.

Or what about emailing pics? I email pics of our kids to my parents and siblings quite often b/c my family lives out of state and doesn't have opportunity to see the kids as often. His family lives 45 minutes away, so I don't email them pics. I told him if wants to email them pics, feel free.

Any opinions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:03pm

I agree with you~~I made dh responsible for getting cards/gifts for his side of the family (just MIL/BIL & 2 nieces) and do you think he can remember? Oh no, I've gone as far as writing them in date book (which he looks at every day) he still cant' remember. Not my problem if he doesn't send something~~that was until MIL called me on the carpet because dh has missed one of the dn's bd~~I then pointed out that the B side of the family is dh's responisblity and the H side is mine. I've gone as far as making him buy christmas gifts just for his side (as he doesn't like 2 of my adult dd's) but my side is larger, I have 3 adult dd's,3 sil's, a gd/gs and a sister~~I only buy for 3 of these people.

Sam

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:17pm

I use to do my family and DH family (we're together 5 years now). I'm the card person and love buying cards for others. However, ever since I don't get along with my inlaws, I've now told my DH that it is up to him to buy cards for his family 'cause I will NOT do it anymore. So far he hasn't bought any and it was his niece's 4th bdy the end of July and no card was sent to her. To be honest, I don't feel bad because of how they make me feel to begin with, so be it on them too.

Iris

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:28pm

I feel it is OK (and sometimes necessary) to leave his responsibilities on his own doorstep. And if there is any reason that you feel your relationship with his family is really JUST through him... then it will feel just fine to let him handle this chore.

In my own situation, my MIL made such huge and truly heartfelt efforts to make me one of her family that there was no question she and I would always have our OWN relationship, one on one. I did not and do not need my now-ex-husband to take charge of cards and presents. And I think that it is good to try to look forward sometimes, think, "when I have been married for thirty years, then I may feel I have been MIL's daughter for almost as long as her birth-daughters... a true family member... And it will be nice to look back and know that I have always made sure to acknowledge her birthday."

But again, it's a two-way street. If you are not being acknowledged, then it's good and brave to still try for awhile... but no one can keep up a one-sided relationship forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:31pm

His Family His repsonsibility...same as your family your responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:55pm
My opinion, it'd destructive to a marriage to keep tabs over petty issues like that. Each spouse is different and has their own strengths and weaknesses. If you've got the memory, and the shopping time, why not do his side of the family too? If you're online emailing pictures, is it really that hard to click on a few more from your address book and send them to his side of the family too? When you get married the two become a "we". His family IS your family and your family is HIS family.

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 3:52pm

Sure, you are part of his family if they accept you. But, honestly, why in the world should someone go out of their way for people who treat them like crap? I mean, why does having a penis seem to render some guys unable to do anything?

I do not consider myself to be "family" to my ILS. We spouses are merely something they have to put up with. We are only "family" when it is time to cook or clean up after a gathering. I put a stop to that. The final straw came in 2002, when my DH's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and there was a dinner the night before the party, where spouses were excluded. I also stood on my feet for 2 days, helping prepare for the party, only a week after having a miscarriage, and was never even thanked nor was there any sympathy expressed. I didn't expect their weekend to be about me, DON'T get me wrong. But, a simple "thank you" or "I am sorry you lost your baby", would have been nice. Nope. Instead I got ordered to do more and more, excluded from a nice dinner, and berated because I dared to sit down during clean-up time, because I was cramping and didn't feel well. I am civil to my inlaws. But that is all.

Is it petty? Probably. But, it is also petty when your husband doesn't care enough to defend you and expects you to play happy families with toxic, rude, disgusting people. (this is in some cases, not claiming everyone's situation is like that)

I get really tired of hearing how this is the wife's responsibility, and that is wife's responsibility. Just what the heck is the HUSBAND's responsibility? To sit in the recliner, and fart and belch? LOL!

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 4:09pm
I agree. Its one thing if you get along with your ILs and you like them and they like you, but I don't think that a woman should have to go out of her way to buy gifts and cards for people who don't like you. I never bought my mil a card or gift. I left that up to Dh. If he didn't buy her anything that was his choice. His mother hates me, so she deserves nothing from me. Besides they didn't really do the card/gift thing any way.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 6:33pm

This is one of those questions that the answer depends totally on your relationship with your dh and your relationship with the inlaws. My dh and I have a good relationship and I get along fairly well with my inlaws, so I take the responsibility for sending cards and buying gifts. I make the decision to take the responsibility and that's my choice.

Like others have said though -- if my inlaws treated me like crap and we didn't have a relationship with them, I might not be as willing to take on the responsibility.

It depends on the specific situation.

Madalot

When I insist that I am 'right," I slam the door of my mind.  I remain locked in past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:10pm
I'm sorry, I guess I don't know about the OP's back ground or her relationship with her IL's, because from her post I didn't get any indication that they didn't like her or that they didn't treat her kindly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 8:17pm

I haven't read any of the responses yet...

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