why do i do this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
why do i do this??
12
Fri, 09-23-2011 - 11:10pm

hello all!! i just posted this on another board but thought i would repost it on here too and get some opinions...

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 12:13am

The issue is you have no one to talk to.

chaika

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 4:46am
Congrats on not confronting your SIL with her past, it makes you the bigger person.

I know that things have changed so consider this when reading my feedback as my DD is almost 32. I totally agree with ensuring that you can & will discuss anything with your kids. I also agree that you need to encourage them to come to you. I told mine that I may get upset/over react but that once I calmed down that I would be there to listen & help them. I'm human. I freaked when I found out my DD was having sex at 16 in spite of all the sex talks/arranging for our family dr to give DD birth control without my permission if she asked. Then I calmed down after I got over the "oh my goodness, she is a baby" and we discussed it. I was thrilled that she had gotten the pill & they were using condoms too before they decided to have sex. They had taken a very mature approach to a mature activity. She & her b/f had been "dating" for 2 yrs. This dating involved group movies, dances, etc & being at each others houses. They never had a "date" alone but they still managed to find a way to have sex.

I also freaked when she & her SO of 4 yrs told me they were pregnant when she was 27, so I have decided that parents freak when their kids are in trouble. Good news is that at 27, DD was mature enough to be a Mom & I have a wonderful DGS & SIL.

I don't support the raise children by fear method nor do I agree with the do as I say not as I do as I believe it backfires. I don't agree that teaching kids about sex & birth control gives them approval to have sex. You need to discuss with them the reasons why they should wait & why you don't agree with sex until ..... However, I do think thinking about dating at 11 is a bit young. We joked when I was growing up that my Gram was 15 when she started dating, my Mom was 14 & I was 13. My DD broke the trend & didn't have her first "single" date until she was 17 but as I said earlier that didn't stop the sex.

Your SIL is likely very afraid that her girls will end up like her and therefore she is following the super strict approach. I hope it doesn't backfire on her. Does she expect her DDs not to have contact with any males? Does she expect that she will watch them all the time? You can't control what your kids do every minute of the day & so you need to prepare them to make choices in their lives.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 2:51pm

I have an 11-year-old granddaughter, and she is definitely too young to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 11:22pm

I think for an 11 yr old to know what the rules will be when they are 15 is unnecessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 12:04pm

First - I think you handled it very, very well.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 8:11pm

I am so glad that someone pointed out that this "date" means commitment is such a fallicy.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 4:02pm

hello all!! thanks so much for the opinions. i think ill just stand by what i said before-i will try to stop discussing things that have to do with my children when my sil is around. cuz i know that even if i say something like "isnt it great that we agree to disagree about raising our kids?" she still wont stop. she is so freaking stubborn about everything-and she ALWAYS has to be right. especially when it comes to her children. i am trying to keep in mind that shes my dhs sister and i need to keep peace in the family for him. plus if we get into a fight, i wont see my niece and nephews and i love those kids. so ill just grin and bear it and try to remember to not say anything when it comes to my kids...
as far as my dd "dating", i really think she was just asking a hypothetical question. also one of her best friends has a "boyfriend". i dont think they are into the whole sex thing yet. yes, kids can and are having kids at 11 and 12 but i just think its innocent...right now. even if my dd had a "boyfriend", it would be something like who she sits with at lunch or who she texts as her boyfriend. it wouldnt be where they would get to be alone or be dropped off at the mall alone. shes WAY too young for that...and even if she has a boyfriend now, i dont think it would progress to having sex at a young age. i had a few "boyfriends" in 7th and 8th grade and wasa virgin until i was 19. thats part of the reason, i looked at my sil like she was crazy when she said i should forbid my dd to have a boyfriend right now.
ill just make sure i keep the lines of communication open between me and my dd when it comes to dating...and keep my mouth shut around my sil. lol
JOANNE

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 7:29pm

I completely understand why your SIL is approaching raising her teen in that manner, thinking that if she can somehow control her dd's actions she can prevent her from following in mom's footsteps. Unfortunately that kind of strictness can backfire, and there are other better ways to achieve the same end goal.

Imotherothers has an excellent paragraph in her post that defines the way to determing when to allow dating. I think it serves as a great point for you to start discussions with your dd now: that there are several markers of maturity that you will be looking for, and when she exhibits them on a regular basis you will know that she is "ready". I remember that my dd also wanted a concrete number so I gave her some ages, I think it was 14 for group dates and 16 for one-on-one dating but always with the caveat that I would go by the display of maturity regardless of the age. The reality is that there are some 14yos that you could trust on a one on one date, and some 16yo that you still don't trust out of your sight LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 2:09pm

well, i am quite proud of myself. i had a one-on-one talk with my dh about his sister and her comments and he agrees with me. he thinks she blows things up out of proprtion,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 4:05am
<< well, i am quite proud of myself. i had a one-on-one talk with my dh about his sister and her comments and he agrees with me.>>

Honestly, that's a little scary. You're proud of yourself because you talked to your DH about it?

Sounds like he doesn't back you up much, if at all.

 

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