The worst MIL ever!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
The worst MIL ever!!
12
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 10:50pm

I am getting married in June and I already cannot stand my future MIL. She was fine when my DF and I were just dating but as soon as we moved in together a year ago, she started being horrible to me. It's gotten worse and worse over the last year and she's finally pushed me too far.

Here's the background: When we got engaged last July, my DF's parents barely reacted to the news. My parents, on the other hand, were thrilled and immediately got into planning mode with us. My parents told us that they would happily cover the cost of our wedding and do whatever we wanted for our wedding. DF's parents told us that they weren't going to contribute a penny and they thought my parents were wrong for paying for it. We're planning a typical wedding - church, white dress, dinner and cake - nothing extravagent. DF's parents have called this wedding "abhorrent" and "immoral." MIL makes nasty comments about the wedding to other people but makes sure to do it when I'm in the room. We've tried to tell them that these comments are hurtful but they just continue. So we've tried to go about planning and just don't mention the wedding to them.

But that hasn't stopped the horrible MIL. She's told my DF's brothers how awful I am, so that his brothers said they don't want to be groomsmen anymore and aren't going to come to the wedding. MIL told my DF that I'm materialistic and only care about money and that I'm a blackmailer. When I told her the name-calling was hurtful, she simply said "you should have heard what I didn't say." She said she was looking forward to our wedding like a funeral. Both MIL and FIL are narrow-minded and intolerant people, and they've told us we're wrong for having this wedding and they have no respect for us or our decision to get married our way.

DF is used to his mother being this way - she's passive aggressive and believes she's right no matter what. DF told me that he's embarrassed she's his mother and he would have written her off years ago if it weren't for his dad. DF is not great at standing up to MIL and although he says he wants to defend me to her attacks, he just doesn't know how to do it in the heat of the moment.

I really don't want these people at my wedding and would happily have nothing to do with them ever again. But, I know that's just going to make things harder on DF, who is being forced to choose between me and them. So, what do I do to make sure that my wedding day is a happy day and that MIL doesn't destroy it? Is it worth telling them not to come (especially since they disagree with the whole thing anyways)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:16am

Well let me start by telling you that two years ago when my DH and I got engaged and we told my inl's that our wedding will be in a different state, where my family is from(who by the way also paid for the whole thing), they yelled at me right in my face the minute I walked into their home to meet my DH (fiancee at the time) for lunch. They were so cruel to me about having the wedding where my family is. At that point I should have called off the whole thing. My DH didn't say one word to them while they totally shot me and my fam. down with rude remarks. Ever since then they have never treated me as part of their family and DH has yet to defend me against them. MIL told me she wore black to the wedding because she was in mourning of loosing her son. (Exact words). Now I have so much anger and hate towards my inl's. Looking back, I would never have married him if I knew this is how we would end up. He, a mommy's boy, and me miserable.

My point is is that I really think you should give your fiancee the ulitmatum here, either he starts to stand up to his "mommy" and defend you as the woman he loves and want's to marry, or you're gone. I know that you feel like you love him and this shouldn't come between you, but it has, and he has allowed his parents to completley disrespect and mistreat you. His excuse that he "just doesn't know how to do it in the heat of the moment" is unexcusable. He might be used her treating people that way, but you did not grow up with that woman and should not have to deal with her...He should.

One thing I have learned to do is to totally disregard everything my inl's say. They used to try to make all our decisions for us as husband and wife and it used to upset me so much and cause fights with us. Now I let them say what they want without even half listening. Who cares? They don't run my house. I noticed that it pleased my MIL knowing that she got to me with every satisfaction a psycho could have. She loved it! Now I act like I don't care and I can tell that it bother's her. She tries harder and harder everytime...Best part, I know I'm getting to her now. And plus, she has started to back off, just a little.

Well have a talk with your DH and make him understand that you really need his support when dealing with his mother...Good Luck and hope it all works out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:05am

I don't see much passive in this woman's aggressiveness.

Please do not marry this young man until the two of you have worked out how to deal with her. She will not go away or magically become a wonderful person just because her son is married.

Telling a person they've hurt your feelings only works with *reasonable*, caring people who aren't all caught up in their own "need" to lash out and bully others.

It sounds like your fiance could use some professional counseling, perhaps from one experienced with child abuse. Your fiance has probably always been abused that way, that's why he accepts it so easily. She trained him to. And growing up abused is not something a person can just walk away from. He is "programmed" to respond a certain way (we all are, really, just some have more healthful "programming" than others) and won't be able to "change the tapes" without some help.

These stories always make me so sad. Why, why, why do people get so caught up in pain that they "have to" give it to their kids?

If he won't get counseling and you two insist on getting married, keep in mind that your choices are to continue to interact with her to varying degrees and with varying (probably nil) success or to refuse to interact with her (and his brothers, it sounds like) at all.

I do wish the two of you the very best. If my advice is not helpful to you, then I sincerely hope you get some that truly is.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:09pm

Here is some simple advice....UNINVITE them to the wedding. That is what I say. My MIL did the same thing. My parents forked the bill for my wedding. They paid for the whole thing. I didn't speak to my MIL for awhile before our wedding. She cried like a freaking baby during the whole thing...thank god the videographer fixed the background noise (HER). She got DRUNK during our rehersal dinner. So I could always be worse.

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:55pm

Let's back up a bit. I saw a HUGE red flag in your post, OP, when I read that your DF won't stand up to "mommy"-----that will bother you the rest of your life with him! If it's bothering you now, think of when the children are born (if any)....she'll hate the way you'll be raising them, and that's going to cause you two trouble.

Your DF has got to grow up and be your champion BEFORE you two get married; you'll be his wife, he's an adult, and you should come first to him, not "mommy". Her tantrums will be way more tolerable if you're secure that he'll be on your side through all of them.

But I'd really look deep into myself if I were you and decide if having them as in-laws for the rest of your life (after all, you will be making a promise and hopefully won't be standing up in front of the minister thinking you could always get a divorce if it doesn't work out) is worth it. I mean it. If DF doesn't cut the apron strings now and tell his folks to stop the outrageous behaviour with you, then I'd consider if my love is going to outweigh the stress these people will give me. He may be a great man, but they're already a problem NOW, can you imagine a lifetime???

Think about it. Marriage is so much more than one day of white dresses and flowers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:33pm

I too have seen a red flag that your future husband will not stand up for you and himself to "mommie dearest." You have to decide if you want a lifetime of this. I am eight months into my marriage and have had nothing but problems with my MIL and my DH standing up to her. My wedding was ruined because of her and my DH.

Here is a little background on my situation. You decide what is best for you. i got married about eight months ago and my MIL was a bully, manipulative, controlling, and would not take no for an answer. My fiancé would not handle his mother or let me. He said he would and then things would blow up. His mom even had the nerve to verbally attack me on my wedding day. She wanted control over family pictures; said they did not have enough guests invited even though they invited 130; kept pushing to invite her alcoholic brother who threatened to kill her husband and son, came after me and pushed her down to the ground; kept pushing to invite children to the wedding even though my fiancé and I had chosen not to have children under ten at our wedding because it was a night wedding and to save money; the list goes on and on. The woman would not take no for an answer. When my mom explained I was getting frustrated about wedding stuff and I wasn't a person who forgives easily and will not be told what to do or be pushed around, SHE PUFFED HER CHEST UP AND SAID I AM A HARDHEADED CZECH WOMAN and I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT and started laughing. She even told my mom I think Morgan has met her match. She thinks everything is fixed with a laugh and a smile.

I should have known then to call off the wedding. They are a big Catholic family; however, we chose not to marry in the Catholic Church because my family and I are not and my fiancé did not want to marry in the Catholic Church (he also is not big into being Catholic; he wishes he wasn't). She was furious and still pushes the issue about converting and raising our future children Catholic. She even tried to have a Priest come marry us at the hotel even after I said no; knowing good and well a Priest will not marry outside the church. She thought she could bully a Priest into coming to a hotel or find a wayward Priest.

After the wedding, things have not changed. My husband does not care about her bad behavior and its destructiveness to our relationship. He still trusts her fully because she is "his mom". If we decide to have children how can I trust her when she couldn't even abide by our wedding rules, plus I have other issues with his family drinking, and her alcoholic brother? My husband says why couldn't we trust her.

MY MIL had the AUDACITY to say that "everything was my fault" and "she is who she is." "It was me and my husband that we being unreasonable." Never mind it was our wedding. She blames other bad behavior on other people asking her to ask us.

All I can say to you is that it doesn't get better and people do not change. So if you want a lifetime of this marry your fiance. Good luck and let me know if you need someone to vent to and talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:14pm

Dear Snow Angel:

I have been in your shoes! When my hubby and I were planning our weddding, the family about drove us to elope. My now husband is an only child and that just makes things more complicated and to be honest, over time, things don't change-just the topic. At first it was whatever the MIL wanted, not me-hello, I'm the one getting married. Then, it was the empty nest thing and now that we're married, it's babies, babies. babies. I will tell you that that only thing that gets me through is knowing that my husband loves me and despite what anybody, in-law or not, has to say- at the end of the day, i come home to him not her.

My advice for you is to stick with it and "stand by your man" Things will get better. Good luck, congrats, and welcome to the daughter-in-law club!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:32pm

Snow Angel, when I was reading your post it reminded me of my relationship with my DH. I have the same issues, but instead of it being my MIL it's my FIL.

You really need to speak with your fiance and tell him how you feel and that even if he doesn't want to speak up to his mother he needs to if he wants to marry you. I know it's easier said than done. I've been married for 6 months and it's been hell due to my inlaws, but yet it seems hard to walk away.

My DH had the same problem, he was afriad to speak up to his father even though his father was saying/doing hurtful things towards me. My DH would tell me just let it go this time and next time I promise I'll stand up, but than when next time came it was the same story. Than DH would give me the sob story on how he's afraid to confront his father and that's they way they were brought up. Were in counseling now b/c the truth is I'm ready to sign divorce papers. I'm tired of my in laws treating me the way they do and him being afraid to stand up for me.

As for the wedding part ... if i could do it all over I would uninvite my in-laws. My FIL made the biggest scene at the wedding and kept doing little things to ruin it. He didn't give a penny to the wedding, but yet he wanted to run it and let me tell you it doesn't stop there he continues to do stuff day in and day out. They just don't go away as much as you might wish they would and their not going to stop being rude if your fiance never stands up to them and lets them know that he is serious.

I wish you both the best of luck and I hope you make the right choice ... I think you just really need to talk to him and make sure he truly understands and starts to defend you now before it becomes to late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:50pm

snow_angel_27, I am posting another reply, on top of the one I already sent, because marriage is a big deal. I really truely believe that once you are married that you are committing and devoting your life to that person. We see people divorcing all the time and treat marriage as one big party until they are partied out...But it should not be that way.

I want to write you again because just one week after our wedding I found out that I was pregnant. It was very unexpected and unplanned. Our DD is a year old now, and the joy in my life (wouldn't trade her for a thing), but the inl's and DH caused me so much anger and STRESS my whole pregnancy and I found myself in the hospital (while pregnant) for dangerously high blood pressure quite a few times due to them. My DH cared more about making sure mommy's feelings weren't hurt, so would never stick up for me, then making sure he was by my side in the hospital. The INL problems really won't just go away just because the two of you are married. It gets worse if you and DH never resolve any of the issues you have with MIL. It's better to "scare" your fiancee in thinking this is holding you back from marring him then to feel like you have lost all control. Since I have been married I just sit and think about all the things I wished I would have done differently before getting married to him, all the things I wish I would have said and laid the line straight before hand. Just really really talk to your fiancee about these problems now so he won't use the excuse later that you didn't seem to have any problems with mil before. I think that talks like this, to discuss the future and lay boundry lines, with eachother is very wise. If you don't start taking control now you will absolutley feel like you are going insane and just feel stuck. Marriage isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be incredably hard either.

Communication, understanding, and respect are the best things the two of you could have. And right now it seems like future DH doesn't have enough respect for you to be able to prove to his mother that you are the love of his life and the number one importance in his life.

Good luck, I really hope it all works out in your favor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:10am

Thank you to everyone for the advice and good wishes. I want to clarify a few things from my original posting.

My DF is not a mommy's boy. He can't stand his mother. He's embarrassed that she's his mother and really doesn't want anything to do with her. The problem is that he does want a relationship with his dad and feels like they come as a package deal. He's very used to just ignoring her. I think *ilve2read* made an excellent point that my DF is "programmed" to respond a certain way to her abuse and now he needs to find a new way to respond to her. He is trying to stand up to her when she says something hurtful to me but it's not very forceful at this point, and she ends up just bulldozing him and he reverts to ignoring her comments.

I've discussed not inviting his parents to the wedding and he's reluctant to go to that extreme. He figures that if his parents are uninvited, then no one from his family will come (which is probably true). I just know that MIL will say or do something horrible and ruin the day for us ('cause I'll get upset and blame him for allowing her to come). I don't want that memory for my wedding day. Any advice on how to discuss this with DF so he sees my point of view?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:09am

They are a packaged deal...either invite them and accept her behavior or do not invite them and be happy. I still go back to my original post my husband is not quite a mommas boy per say either and his father is a good man...the situation is very different than yours, but things will never change. Either learn to live with the drama now or get out while you still can becasue they are a packaged deal and you fiance isn't willing to walk away from his whole family unit.

It is about standing up to his mother and he should stand up to his father as well and tell his father to handle her if he wants to be at his wedding. My two cents with what happened at my wedding.




Edited 3/28/2007 10:11 am ET by kittee81

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