Crap

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Crap
12
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 9:31am

DH asked about seeing the IL's in a few months for nephews birthday; I said if that's what he wanted to do.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
In reply to: sugarrush66
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 12:24pm

Yes - I totally understand - when I know the IL's are headed to town - a sad feeling comes over me - especially at the holidays when things are supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
In reply to: sugarrush66
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 2:17pm
Oh I KNOW she will not change. Our T told us that, mainly to reinforce that point to DH, whether that has fully sunk in permanently, I don't know. I'm not mad at the upcoming visit like I was last night and I don't know why I felt different about this visit than I was feeling with GMIL's health pending and knowing that we may have to go out there. So I'm back to my normal self, and while a little anxious/nervous of what will come from the visit, I'm not angry and she sure isn't going to ruin the days we have between now and then.

Visits with her have never gone great as I said; we always find one thing to improve the next time or someone does something one visit and finds out that he shouldn't do that the next visit. I'm a little scared for what we find out each visit- that is where a lot of my anxiety comes from. For instance, one visit when we started staying elsewhere she ignores me the entire day and the next morning DH asks if I want to go to breakfast. I say sure and who is there when we get there? Yeah, didn't happen to mention "with my mom". Next visit we decided beforehand we would be staying in a hotel. DH tells MIL this a couple of weeks before we get there we will be getting a room. When we arrive at their house the first night to drop things off, she pushes for us to stay there. DH throws me under the bus by making me choose between staying there or going with our original plan- getting a room, in front of her. He wants to stay there. Now I was in a no win situation and put me in a position to make me the bad guy. He now knows to stick to the original plans. The day after she gives him an ultimatum, DH asks if I want to do lunch with BIL and nephew. I say sure. What happens? "I'm gong to see if mom is going to join us." WTF? I'm really tired of fighting her, you know? Why can't there be a visit where we don't have to have a game plan for every second of the visit? It's tiring. Before things were bad, birthdays were always so tense there; MIL and BIL would decide to do XYZ for the birthday and while they had all the time in the world to get crap together, me and DH would be the ones running, getting things together because they "didn't have the time". Seriously? You don't do anything. We miss out on chunks of the celebration because of their lack of planning. One birthday nephew stepped on a bee (they had a pool party- MIL was not happy about that choice AT ALL and did not hide her feelings one bit), as BIL's then GF was helping him out, MIL snapped that GF should have seen the wasp and killed it before it had a chance to do this. Because she's a psychic and all???

Maybe I am at that point where I would do better just staying home and letting him visit and do what he wants? I don't know how I feel about that because she would be rewarded for her bad behavior; things would go back to the way they were before me. That's what she wants. She wants me gone and will do whatever she has to to get me to go away. So because of that, because I want to see others that I can't not see without seeing her, because DH is not capable of not relapsing yet. She can be a biatch and mean 99% of the time but wham once that 1% is nice to him, he wants to run to her and forget everything we have accomplished.

I do have more to post but I need to go to lunch!
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: sugarrush66
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 4:44pm

Hi,

Well, I guess you probably can tell who ran the show in your DH's

Avatar for ribrit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2001
In reply to: sugarrush66
Mon, 02-21-2011 - 7:20pm

You need to sit down with your dh and tell him no. Tell him the visits are destroying your marriage and be prepared to give details. He is accountable for how he acts at those visits and after. I have had to put my foot down with dh and I have had to be specific and stand my ground. One thing that was going on with us is MIL would try to get dh to come over for visits alone. Then she would spend that entire visit making up lies about me while dh, instead of standing up for me, would apologize for me even though he knew she was lying!! Then he would come home, repeat everything she said, and I would be so attacked in that I could not defend myself!!! It finally got to the point where I had to tell dh if he went again, not to come home, at all. That the moment he left, I would call a lawyer. He argued with me until I just calmly said..."you make your decision, I am not arguing anymore, my decision is made already and it won't change and I won't argue it with you anymore."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
In reply to: sugarrush66
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 9:46am
Haha...it sure as heck wasn't his father. They are divorced and she wasn't supportive of the sons having a relationship with him after the divorce. Even now as adults, she'll say she's okay with it and push them in his direction but when she finds out they have been in contact she gets really mad. And it's not like DH and BIL go out of their way to talk about him either. But this hasn't seemed to be an issue in the last year but then again I asked for DH to keep her comments to himself. What's bad about her being nice to him, is that while she is nice to him, she's mean to me and so it's like being stabbed twice.

I know I can't stay home and I definitely know it isn't me. She's been behaving like this for over at least 35 years (when her brother married his wife). Uncle In Law pulled back from her when he first got married; MIL told DH on the last visit to not let me come between them like Aunt In Law did with her and Uncle in Law. Two different couples. What is the common denominator? MIL.

I agree she could gain a heck of a lot more if she were to be be accepting but it's her loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
In reply to: sugarrush66
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 9:55am

Boy do I wish I could do that. But right now, I don't want to do that. Maybe when we can visit everyone else without MIL being present because they are all no longer under one roof. With the GMIL being in the position she is in, I don't feel it's right to not see her because of MIL. What I hope happens is that MIL is a pea compared to everyone else being the entire meal. We won't be going down there for her, we won't be staying with her and DH won't be doing any alone time with her and she won't be joining anything with us. When she has had alone time in the past, she chose to spend it how yours did: bad mouthing me, lying about things, etc. Yes she complains she doesn't get much alone time with DH but she DOES get it, she just chooses to use it stupidly. DH has wised up and has said he will flat out say he is not talking about me if I am not there- T agreed.

ETA: We also seem to average one visit a year now so I'm very grateful we are not keeping up with our past number of visits, which was 5-6 times a year and we would spend a week vacation with them and she would spend about a week with us.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
In reply to: sugarrush66
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 12:33pm

Hi again,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: sugarrush66
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 2:58pm

I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
In reply to: sugarrush66
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 4:43pm

I would say it's so bad that it needs to be both of us.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-19-2008
In reply to: sugarrush66
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 12:08pm

I agree about being a team - at least until you get to a point where you believe that MIL finally gets it - that you are a couple and none of her antics will change that.

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