Looking for help! Advice... Sexual inappropriate Father-in-law!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Looking for help! Advice... Sexual inappropriate Father-in-law!
40
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 5:17am

I need help in a bad way!

I met my husband about 5 years ago now and we have always had an amazing life together! We were married 3 years ago and then it started! My father-in-law started acting inappropriately! This started about a year and a half ago or so! I think he was always a little "strange" with me but now it's getting out of control and I am stressed beyond belief! I can't sleep - It is causing mine and my husbands sex life (which used to be amazing and frequent) to become non-existent! It's killing me - literally! I am feeling eaten up inside! I finally had to tell my husband after my FIL stopped at our house (knowing I would be home alone) and walked right in and I had been upstairs in my bedroom and he walked right up stairs! After that he had followed us to our car one night when we left and he ran his hand down my back down onto my butt! He always finds a way to come near me and he always has to "touch" me - whether it's being touched on the arm - it creeps me out! I can not handle it anymore. I am to the point that I don't want to go to any family functions - which is awful since I adore the rest of his family! Part of me feels so isolated because I have NO ONE to talk to about it! My husband see's is and runs to my rescue but we are at our whit’s end - What do you do?! What do you say!? Something could cause a marriage between his parents to be over! I have NEVER given him ANY reason to come on to me! It makes me sick! He is creepy and a perv! As I am sitting here writing at 4 am since I'm up all night not able to sleep! It has me so stressed - depressed - anxious and freaked out that I can't function on a daily basis! Please don't get me wrong - I have had some other big events happen in my life but this is the one thing that's killing my marriage! I can't be with my husband because every time we're together - all I can think about is how his perv of a dad would want to be doing the things my husband does! I have not enjoyed our sex life in many - many months because of this and it is so hard for my husband to see the trouble it's causing me! Yet - I know he needs and wants to be close! (I miss being close as well!) I would give anything to be able to go back to the way things were before his dad became a sick-o! And - to top it all off! after going through all of this and it getting worse - we had been looking at our wedding photos and it sickens me to see that every photo that he is in with me - he is right next to me and his hand is on my ass!!!! My wedding photos sicken me now! I don't know what to do anymore! I am literally starting to become sick! I'm in tears almost every time my husband and I are intimate! I have put on at least 35 or 40 pounds! I feel gross! I hate him SO much! Why did he do this! What the hell do we do!? I need help so bad - and I don't know who to turn to! I am afraid to see a counselor because they share all of their notes with my regular physician - etc... I don't want everyone knowing this business! To be honest - It feels good to get it off my chest! I'm so stressed! All I want to do is KICK him “you know where“! It is so frustrating - I know that it is so obvious at times to the family - I swear that they notice - some look the other way and others seem to just dislike me - which I can not blame them! I would rather blame the outsider than my parent! It was SO hard to tell my husband the whole thing - which I did several months ago now - but he is the only one that knows. And I feel like I can't continue to tell him things because it's got to be hard! But I can't handle being "cornered" in the bathroom by the creep either! It's a no in situation! I don't want to lose my husband and my husband says the same thing - but he see's what his father is doing! I know it makes him mad and we just end up not going to see them! Or - we rush right out! He just won't leave me alone for some strange reason! I swear to God that I have never given him the slightest of reason to come onto me! He repulses me! I don't know how my husband came from that sick-o of a perv of a "father"!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

You have to establish appropriate boundaries IMMEDIATELY to regain your relationship with your husband, your mental health and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

I can't tell you how much relief I got just from feeling a validation from your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I think your dh needs to call together his father and mother (without you there) and tell them that you have been feel uncomfortable for some time now b/c

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I agree with most everything you say but one thing. Why drag his mother into it yet? Her DH should have a sit down with dad alone. No need to embarass the mother at this point. And she could react badly and things take a turn for the worse.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

I can not tell you all how much I appreciate the advice & support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
<< I just hate the thought of his family looking at me like "I" had something to do with this! >>

And that's what will happen if you confront him in front of others (like rejecting hugs), or in front of his wife, etc.

What have you done when he puts his hand on your butt? Do you push it away? Say anything? If you're alone, you should give him a good shove and be forceful in saying NO!

Take some power, and shove the hell out of him. He'll think twice the next time. But pick the place carefully, you don't want to be seen. Or at least, I wouldn't.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I can see what you are saying and I thought about that before I mentioned having the mom there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998

Definitely get some counseling for yourself. This is disrupting your life so completely that you really shouldn't take another step without this. And your husband should come with you, because he needs to learn how to stand up to this perv. He should not be silently helping you get away. He should be loudly and publicly telling his nasty old man to back off and stop touching his wife inappropriately.

And when you feel strong enough, so should you. If your FIL touches your backside again, you should say out loud, for others to hear, "Get your filthy hand off my ASS!" I know from experience (not with my FIL, who is a perfect gentleman), that this is sometimes all the pervert needs to get him to stop his vile behavior. I once had a colleague who did this, and by yelling at him in front of our office, I got him to stop, probably more effectlively than going to HR and filing a sexual harrassment complaint.

But his behavior should be exposed, because there are other women, even young girls, who may be victims here. This behavior flourishes in the dark, and by exposing it, you can stop it. You have no reason to be embarrassed. He does!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

This situation (the “ass grabbing” and so on) didn't happen over night... And, unfortunately for me, I spent a long time thinking it was "all in my head". Even though I’m 42 years old and I knew he was acting wrong, I kept telling myself it was just “the way he was”! I even spent different occasions observing his behavior toward others because I knew it was sick and sadly hoped I would see him act this way toward others! It never happened! You would think that any man would never do anything inappropriate to his ONLY son’s wife! Right!? Wrong! Well - Everything came to a head in one weekend.

It was a (summer) holiday weekend with my husbands entire family. As well as some of MY family, my brother, sister-in-law and their family and friends, etc. At this time, my FIL had already started this strange perverted obsession. He was already going out of his way to walk by me to “touch me” and “brush up against me“. I’m not saying he was groping me or feeling me up. But he was ALWAYS “touching my arm” or a “rubbing of my shoulder”. Touching, touching, touching! Gross! This weird disturbing touching. I always felt it was creepy and inappropriate behavior. I had never and have never been treated like this or had anyone behave this way toward me ever! And on top of it, he always has this gross perverted smile/look on his face. (Now at this time I was also realizing that my FIL was MUCH worse when he was drinking and with it being a holiday weekend with us all at the beach - there was a lot of drinking)!

(This was the weekend that he had cornered me in the bathroom!) My in-law’s had just recently purchased this vacation home and we had all been pitching in to help do some work/remodeling around the place. The bathroom was large and also had the laundry room in it. Everyone was outside and I had run in to get beach towels from the laundry - He followed me and literally cornered me in the bathroom. With that gross grin! He kept making excuses about the work being done in the house to be in there with me. I can honestly say I was freaked out and didn’t know what to do. I started talking loudly to get anyone’s attention. It was frightening to know that I had to squirm my way out of this only door in/out of that bathroom! I have to say that he didn’t “grab me” or anything. But I knew I didn’t like being cornered - by myself! It was very inappropriate!

After this happened - I pretty much knew there was a major problem. I REALLY knew there was a problem when my sister-in-law came up to me out of the blue this same weekend and said “what the hell is up with your creepy father-in-law”! She said it was obvious to see he was following me and acting like a sleazy dirt bag!

Later this same evening that my husband and I decided to leave for home and get away from him when my FIL “followed us out to the car” to “say goodbye” - as he only does when I’m with my husband. (Each time we leave, no matter what door I get into, whether I drive or I get in the back seat - He follows to MY door!)

So as I was opening my door to get in he put his hand on my mid back and ran his hand down my low back and onto/cupping my ass! Trust me when I say he meant exactly what he did! There’s no mistaking that! This was also prior to me filling my husband in on what was going on. I didn’t say anything right then and there. I admit I was rather in shock! However - as soon as we started to drive off, I was so disgusted on the way home that I just broke down in tears! This was when I finally told my husband.

It was by far the hardest thing I’ve had to do in our marriage! I know he really looked up to his father but right away I knew he took it very seriously. After this he began to “watch” his dad’s behavior but remained close enough to “rescue me”. I know this is a difficult situation to have to face for my husband - having to worry about what inappropriate behavior his father would have an opportunity to prey upon his wife!

I know my husband and I both still need a lot of help because there are still times that he doesn’t take the fact that I have asked him numerous times - in fact - I’ve begged him numerous times to NOT leave my side! Our decision had been that if there were a family occasion we needed to attend, he would not leave me alone with the chance of allowing his father to do ANYTHING!

But then - This makes me sick to recall… We had to get together for Thanksgiving with his family. I went because the guys hunt and I was there all day helping cook with his mom, etc… It was later and I was setting the table. No one was in the dining room (but the whole family was now in the house). All of a sudden - I felt someone come up on me from behind and kind of grope my rib cage at my breast! I was furious and embarrassed - thinking it was my husband trying to be funny just the two of us. I slapped his hand that was on me and I just about screamed his name because I was so sure it was him and I was so embarrassed that he’d do such a thing! I turn around and the next thing I know - it was his father! I was sick! I literally went into the bathroom and got sick! We just left!

This is when I completely avoided him - I have seen him a couple of times for birthday’s and I place myself in spots that he can not come near me! He still try’s! And he has still made the un-announced stops at the house - I quickly lock the doors and don’t answer the phone & I call my husband right away! When we were leaving my husbands birthday party from a restaurant the other night - I again sat to avoid him and when we all left - we snuck out ahead of him and he literally ran out the door after us screaming MY name! On his SON’S birthday! Luckily we were parked in the opposite direction!

I can’t lie - part of me wants the whole family to know that he’s a DIRT BAG! But then again - as I have said over and over - I do not want to be the reason for a divorce! No matter what the sick-o ‘s issue is!

I told my husband the next time he pulls anything - I’m turning around and kicking him in the you know where! And let the chips fall where they may! We are already avoiding the family! Sometimes I wonder if telling them would just get it over with and at least let me live in peace!

My biggest frustration is WHY! Who does that to their child! Did he think I wouldn’t tell my husband! He’s a sick S.O.B.!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

I've read the other posts and think you've gotten a lot of good advice.

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