MIL End of Life - Rest of In-Laws Hammering on Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
MIL End of Life - Rest of In-Laws Hammering on Me
13
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 11:23am

My DH and I have been married 12 years now, have a wonderful almost 11 y.o. daughter.  MIL smoked probably 3 packs of cigarettes and drank a carton of cokes a day for a very long time.  She is 82 now, been on dialysis 11 years, stopping smoking but still drinks cokes.  In very bad shape but does not look ready to throw the towel in yet.  She's been in a very nice ICU since Monday night.  Last nigth was about the 5th time we've been called for a 2 hour round trip because she only had a few hours left.  We got there last night and she was laying in bed watching tv - did not look ready to kick the bucket. 

I was madder than a hornet for being called to drop everything and run especially since we have to care for 14 horses, 6 dogs, cats and pigs in the current 98 degree heat.  So his brother said something nasty to me, I told him f.u. and he then commenced to try to tower over me menacingly in the lobby of a public hospital.  I called for security but of course there was none around.  My dear DH went after me and told me to go sit in the truck (in 95 degrees).  I heard one of his tons of family members call me a b___tch behind my back, and the rest of them just sat there saying "there's always one when something like this happens".  I don't even know these people!

I took our dd and her friend to another lobby without his 20 family members waiting in the ICU, and gave him 15 minutes or I was going to take the truck at go home.  It was 7:30 at night and we hadn't eaten yet.

Long story short I hope I never see them again, but now we're going to have to go to the funeral home at some point, and the funeral.  We had to sneak out the back door to avoid them.  What really hurt was DH not  helping me any.  I am a very highly educated, successful woman.  I am not prone to outbursts or violence but just am fed up with this crap.  I'm 95% sure she is not going to pass on but will end up back in the $10,000 a month rehab facility that the family can't afford.  They keep threatening to kick out MIL because she does nothing but just lay there.

Yes, we did go back and see MIL before we left.  The nurses at the hospital were very nice to let all 4 of us go at once.

I went through some of this in my last marriage - aggressive people in the family vicious towards me - and am wondering if I should just get a divorce and stay single.  It would devastate our dd and I really don't want to do that.  I am 52 so is DH.  He says they've treated him like that for years, he really doesn't even know half of them and that yes they are mean people.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005

I will.  Surprisingly enough all this has just brought DH and I closer together.  It's like he's got new respect for me (actually awe) for having the guts to stand up to his brother/extended family.  Said they've deserved it for a long time.  Whew though, really don't want to go through that again!  Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

I love it - bot bellied pigs to inherit.

 

That would be so funny to will something like that to someone you don't like.

 

But then I think (I love animals too much) would it be fair to the pigs?

 

Hang in there - you sound like a nice supportive wife and mom - your DH probably knows how lucky he is to have you - especially with the things his brothers and dad taught him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005

Sanks, I will hang in here and post from time to time how it's going.  I've been a health planner/policy analyst in the health care field now for 25 years.  Used to do nursing home applications for certificate of need (state governnent), so I've told DH that, on average, people live about 2 1/2 years once put into long term care.   Not telling this by any means to hurt him, but it helps sometimes to know what to expect.  He is very close to his mother, and it's going to hurt alot when she goes, but he's better for right now thinking she may last at least a few years more.  I only feel sorry for him that he's not able to stand up for himself more, but I understand.  He physically gets sick over it - headaches, stomach problems, etc.  I'm guessing it's because he truly did experience the abuse from his dad and brother ganging up on him from a very early age.  

As far as those other people and their material possessions - I hope they choke on them and deep down I feel sorry that they feel so insecure they think they have to resort to doing this.  How pathetic.  But you don't go to someone else's house to fantasize how you'll be when you get this or that after the people are gone!!  I have some nice pot bellied pigs I could give them.....

Thank goodness we live an hour away and so far don't have to see them very often at all.  If it gets so bad for me and our daughter that every visit is a big scene then, yes, I'll back down and let DH do whatever he needs to do.  Just hope they don't turn on him if I'm not there (it does help buffer if we're all together when we show up)......

Hope the drought doesn't have you all down.  We are so very lucky to be living in an area so far not affected by it other than the extreme heat.              

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

Chic,

 

I'm so glad you came back and posted some more back ground.  I do totally see now your intention of wanting to protect your DH from these people and that is why you go.  We didn't know that in the first post and from our perspective we only heard about them grieving for their dying mother.

 

But as far as the "coming out of the woodworks to see what they can get" - OMG I so feel for you and your family because dealing with people like this is horrible.  I don't know why some people are like this.  But, there is no changing them.  They'll manipulate, conive, claw, beg whatever they have to do to get something they perceive they have a right to.  My uncle told me once that he watched family members actually get in a huge fight over a space heater - after his grandfather died.

 

I'm really glad that you and your DH are having these conversations.  Something I Iearned after years and years was to stop expecting my DH to do what I thought he should do to stand up to these people.  It was causing me so much pain because he didn't respond like I would.  And, I - for a long time - felt it was his obligation to me.  This caused so many, many fights and us close to divorcing many times.  But, finally I took control of my own feelings.  I did confront them, I did speak up for myself and that has made things between DH and I so much better.  Right now, I have cut them completely out of my life.  It wasn't what I wanted but it was necessary. 

 

Keep posting so we can continue to support you.  This really is a great group - but you've sometimes just got to hang in there with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005

I apologize I took the advice the wrong way - I've never had to deal with people like this and didn't know how to handle them but with you all now I have a better idea.  DH is in no way, shape or form upset with me over what happened.  If anything, he's glad someone finally stood up to them.  He said they have treated him very badly over the span of his life.  Just one example - the one that got nasty because I was hot, tired and not in a good mood after fast feeding animals and rushing in 98 degree heat asked him if he was gay when he was 16 because he never had any girls over.  That is not something you say to a 16 year old!!!!  His poor dad who hates his mother's relatives for many good reasons, and is having to deal with them while worrying himself sick about losing his wife.  DH's brother and sister were giving his dad a hard time as well - and he told us that.  Pushing him out of his house when he's fully capable of driving and taking care of himself???  Horrendous!!  He takes great care of himself and took great care of his wife until she dropped something on her toe, got a toe infection and hence ended up in the hospital.  He is still doing fine on his own.

Nope, after talking to DH more, he explained that these are bad people and the only reason they are showing up now (and some he had never seen in his 52 years) is to "see what they can get out fhe deal".......I've heard of people like this but had never seen it until now.

On the flip side, I remembered that all these years I've gone with DH to visit his family because he's asked me to because if I don't sometimes his brother and dad would "gang up on him" and make fun of and laugh at him.  I've seen them do that and he's done nothing to deserve that.  I will stand by his side and help him any way I can through this process.  My father and mother in law couldn't have been nicer Thursday night - it's just his other family that caused the ruckus. DH said more than once "they started it" - and the one brother lives in Nebraska and sister goes out partying every chance she gets so when this is all over we won't see them very much at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008

Chic - If you think my post was negative - perhaps you should re-read it.  I think I shared with you in your frustrations and totally validated your feelings.  You had every right to feel the way you did.  But, maybe not the right to upset his family because they felt differently.

 

I don't really know what you were expecting by posting on here.  It isn't going to do you any good for us to say that everything you did was appropriate.  Honestly, we don't even know what was said once you got in the room and saw your MIL sitting watching tv.

It is absolutely NOT acceptable for them to viciously attack you.  And, I apologize if you felt in any way that any of us were saying that.  People do things under pressure that they might not do otherwise (but that is no excuse). 

However, we cannot help you change the past.  You can't change that you went and were irritated and showed that and that irritated his family and they acted inappropriate.  You just can't - so storming off of this sight or anywhere else is simply not going to do you any good. 

 

I was hoping your reading my heartfelt post and see that there were things you could do to live a happier life with your dh and daughter without all the drama.  I don't know if these people are jerks or not - only you know that.  And trust me, I 100% believe that they could be total jerks to you and not to anyone else and no one else would see or understand your side.  Just remember, you know and you can stand up for yourself.  But, what does that mean?  Does it mean you go to the funeral and get upset and upset everyone else - or go to the hospital the next time.

 

I'm saying that you shouldn't and for reasons that would protect yourself and your daughter.  Who cares if they are trying to exclude you -instead - exclude them from your life!  That's how you take control.

 

If you go and divorce your husband over them - guess what, you all lose and they win. 

Do what you want - but this was heartfelt advice.  I don't know you from Adam and I only care that we could offer you some unbiased experience and words of wisdom.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
I had been starting to feel better until I read these posts. THANKS
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
And yes I'm getting off this board and not getting back on because it's just another place to get attacked and beat up on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005

ok, enough of the negative comments.  Why not "just because they are losing their mother is no reason for them to viciously attack you..."  How bout that.  And how nice it would have been for him to punch me in the middle of a very elaborate public hospital.  Nope - if I'm pushed out and to the side I'll probably just go on and divorce.  Nobody deserves that just because someone in the family is dying.  Get a grip and realize it's part of life!  I don't need this crap and really need a family/spouse that doesn't treat me like this.  It's not the first, nor will it be the last, that they do this.  Now I've got to decide if it's worth it to put up with the crap.  I love the fact that they live in a huge 4000 sq ft home but gave my daughter 5 bucks for Easter one time.  What a bunch of hillbilly jerks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:54pm

Chic, 

I'll start by saying that you'll probably be getting a lot of negative feedback here based on your post.  But, don't stop reading yet.  I feel for you because I had and my sister still has a similar situation.  It is Very, Very Stressful when people who don't take care of themselves (had no consequences for how they lived their life) now come along and cause tremendous stress and upheavel in our own lives.  My mom was like this.  She smoked and drank and didn't eat well.  Took lots of prescription drugs and spent the last ten years of her life not hardly moving (her choice).  I was constantly forced to stop my life and miss out on things with my kids to care for her.  Did I get resentful?  Yes.  People who haven't gotten there do not understand this.  I could go on and on about the things I had to do for my mom and I see this as a lot of what you are saying here.  Yes, this was my mom and this is your MIL, but my mom did very little for us growing up.  I felt like I did so much more for her as she aged than was ever done for me or given to me.  You probably feel this way about your MIL and are just really upset by it all.

 

Plus, when you go home it'll probably be you picking up all the slack for the time missed etc.  People are probably going to just reply on the post - that you couldn't wait for your mil to kick the bucket.

 

But, to me - I hear what you are saying.  You want to be supportive, but you also have a life to live.  MIL is going to continue to do exactly what she wants to do but everyone else is supposed to drop everything and run to her side.

 

All I can say is this:  Stop the dysfunction.  Why you went this time is my first question?  Why didn't you send your DH?  This is where he needs to be - not where you and your daughter need to be.  I'm sorry but the reality is that your daughter doesn't need to see her grandma take her final breath.

 

You know that the time is coming.  Instead of rushing to her every time it is a close call - instead you should get your daughter to do things from the distance.  Like make a card and send to her or some other little craft.  She's going to want to remember any good times spent and I honestly do not feel that she needs to be there.  As for you - you clearly shouldn't be there.  You are there for the sake of your DH - but it isn't a good situation.  You resent her and probably have very good reasons.  When you go - instead of DH focusing on his mom and siblings - the drama starts and he's in turmoil. 

 

Do I think you should have said something to the siblings while there or even ever?  No.  I think that was a mistake and honestly I'd ask you to consider sending an apology email to all of them.  Let them know that it was just a stressful day and you are sorry for acting like you didn't care.  Seriously - I believe this is something you should do.  And, apologize to your DH.  But tell him, that you will not be making that trip any further.  That you think it is something he should do alone.

 

Honestly, I had to finally tell my mil/fil that they were not welcome in my home or around me or my youngest son - period.  Now, if /when they pass I would not go to the funeral for the simple reason that I would be a distraction.  It isn't fair for me to show up and cause any stress to the siblings.  Don't make that part about you - it is their mom and no matter what, they deserve to grieve in peace (if that makes sense).  I know you'd like to be there for your DH - but I personally would think it better that you do not go.

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