Sad feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Sad feelings
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:44pm
When I met my now DH I remember thinking how great he was and how I couldn't wait to meet his family, that they would just be like an extension of my own family that I love so much. I always wanted to have a big family. I only have one sister, so I thought when I got married I would have this great new family to love and who would love me.

Boy was I living in fantisy land! nothing could be farther from the truth! I have tried so hard with DH's family to make us a family, he pretty much gave up a long time ago. There have been so many frustrating visits, I have cried so many times because I just want us to be a family the way DH is a member of my family and I am beginning to realize that it is never going to happen.

It is really had to deal with the fact that I will always be an outsider in that family and there is nothing I can do about it. But what is even more upsetting is that DH will always be an outsider in his own family.

Well I just wanted to vent and see if any tiher DILs feel the same way? That the fact that they will never be close to their IL's feels like a loss?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:36pm

Yes and no. I wouldn't say it feels like a loss to me quite so much as it feels like giving up/giving in. There's some teeny little part of me that says "If I just try hard enough, I can MAKE these people love me/care about me/at least not treat me like an incompetent moron/whatever!", even though intellectually I know that's never going to happen. The one I probably feel the most loss about is SIL, who, not coincidentally, is the most problematic IL. I was an only child, and I was one of those who always wanted siblings- I'd have preferred a brother but would have settled for a sister. However, it's just not going to happen with this one. Realistically, I should have seen it coming- I'm a recovering punk-rocker, card carrying childfree-by-choice advocate, and shopaholic where she's a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:10am
just a question as i'm missing something. why is dh an outsider

to his own family?

I can relate to you as we will be having kids in the next year

and am trying desparately to have a close family bond with my IL's

and own siblings. having a close family is important to me as

we are going to go through life together so why not enjoy each other

and form close relationships? ...anyway, my dh is sort of adopted

so he is and will always be an outsider which kind of hurts, but not really.

anyway, I really try to form all these bonds and feel that people only

meet me partially half way so I know what you mean. it's dissapointing.

if you've done all you can, then I would "give up" you will only

continuously get set up for dissapointment again and again. ....this is

where I'm at anyway. I know the family is expecting me to plan all these xmas

events....baking days, craft days.....etc... but im not initiating a thing.

I am hoping someone else will step forward now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:32am
I too know how you feel about feeling like an outsider. I am always the last to know anything with DH family. I will around and hear someone say something and I always get "you didn't know, no one told." Well, apparently no one felt it was important for me to know. The one I felt the most hurt about was when my SIL lost her baby, noone felt it was important to tell me "it was a family issue" me and my husband were not married yet, but I was a part of the family (atleast thats what they said) and I was always around. Well, no lie I just gone to the baby store (small store going out of business, I got a few great buys) and was just about to give the things to SIL when I found out. I would have felt awful if I came over all happy to give her these items and she had to be the one to tell me she lost the baby. And yes, some of this I blame on my DH. Just thought I would share.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:56pm
A great big "hey there, my sista" to another last-to-know victim!!! My own ILs do this to me/us All. The. Time. To be fair, some of it is DH just forgetting to tell me, but not all. Most of it tends to go like this: MIL tells SIL something that we need to know, conveniently forgetting that SIL only calls us when *she* wants something done. As a consequence of this policy, SIL does not call. We find out about whatever it is six months after the fact. Examples:

*SIL didn't tell us she was pregnant with DN. Had to find out from FIL, since she was doing the "baggy-clothes" thing and we didn't see her enough to notice.

*DH's uncle, who he sees about once every blue moon, came to visit the ILs. DH would have liked to see him. Too bad, since nobody told us he was here until he was gone.


We finally just started calling MIL once every two weeks to find out if there was anything we needed to know, since she at least will tell you if you ask. But anyways, boy oh boy do I feel your pain on this one!!!

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style="font-family: lucida handwriting;">Erin

Real Love is Forever

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:26pm
Sorry, I guess I didn't explain that part well enough. DH's family "look down" on him because he dose not go along with their crazy ideas, won't tolerate them bad mouthing his dad, and won't give them money because they refuse to work, have gotten DWI's, or have gotten thrown in jail. DWI's and Jail is his older brother but the family thinks since my DH can hold a job we should give BIL bail money, $2000 last time!!! We did not do it. Then BIL wanted us to pay first and last months rent plus a deposit, because he no longer wanted to live with MIL! They are all still mad at us for saying no to that one because "he needs his own space".

Sorry that kind of turned into a rant. SO that is why they look at him as not part of the family becase he is not a team player.They are all crazy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:46pm

I understand what you have been going through. I too had the impression that things would be swell with my new family. What I didn't know was that:
**My MIL & SILs have an unnatural attachment to my DH-He is their husband
**My DH's family would dump everything on him from"hey can you tell me what $19.98 x 2 is?" to "Can you take over your uncle's funeral even though your wife is due in a week because I really don't feel like handling it anymore."
**Try to force us to move to where they live--another state
**Try to brainwash our daughter into thinking her mother doesn't love her, only they do
**Deliberatetly exclude us from major family events or not telling us about them until late at night the day before(We both worked and most of them didn't)
**Half the family has emotional and chemical balance issues--they have all been in therapy for over 30 years.
**That they'd make up Enquirer/Star like stories about what we do in our life(None of them based on fact)
**That they's insult and use passive-aggressive comments against me.

I realize now that they are sick, sick people and we do not need them in our lives. I have pushed my own family away because they felt that I married beneath me. The fact is, that I know they'd love my husband and my daughter needs good role models in her life. I have begun to reconnect with my siblings and cousins because she needs normalcy and loving adults around her. Everyone here on the board is right: these people could be toxic. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and I probably wouldn't have married my DH if I had and inkling. He is very different and a good man. I considered leaving the marriage many times but wouldn't that be letting them win? I have a husband who loves me and loves our life. He supports my decision to limit exposure to these crazy people. After all, he'd told me years before that he thought they were crazy but I never believed him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:46pm

dont stay with your dh because it might mean you win and they loose, iam pretty sure you know that already,but this is serious. i mean it sounds like you are doing the right thing, keeping your distance trying to reconnect with your family, getting a normal balance for your daughter. I mean if you love him stay, unless you think he may be the same way ofcourse it sounds like he isnt. i know on some level what your going through my soon to be step-son ( sorry im new and dont know the abbreviations well) mother is mentally ill we have to deal with her craziness, and my soon to be mil probably is a little too nice she says it cause she doesnt want her to do anything crazy to her, but i think a little distance would do the trick. anyways i wouldnt be telling you this unless i knew on some level how you feel.

doing the best i can