Update on MIL Xing me from family

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Update on MIL Xing me from family
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:19pm

To refresh everyone since I have not posted in a while my MIL had decided to cut me from her life. Her excuse had been that she did not trust me. My husbands stand was that he would not speak to her as long as she felt this way. She said he was more than welcome to come and visit with the kids but I was not welcome and he simply told her that we are a package deal...... all or none.

Well to update: Last weekend my husbands Aunt (MIL's sister) who was with my husband when the discussion took place regarding her feelings toward me. She asked my husband if he would consider trying to talk to his Mom once again since the Holidays are coming up. She pointed out to him that their family is very small and that if it is possible to mend things she hoped he would try. (for the kids sake as she put it) Mostly the aunt hates to see anyone not speaking. She is well aware of the things that my MIL has said about me and she is aware of her hard feelings toward me even as unjustified as they are.

Well, my husband asked me how I felt and I told him I thought that if he could work things out that would be ok. It's not like he has to be best friends with his Mom but, she is his Mother and if he felt in his heart he should give her another chance it was his decison and I would stand behind what he thought. I did however mention that I felt very strongly about him discussing things with his Mother and not just going on as if nothing had happened or been said. He assured me he would do this.

He goes to her house sits down and says to her that we are having Christmas breakfast at our house and that she's welcome to come by. (he knows already she's bought gifts for the kids, even though she's not seen them in months) He mentions to her that he would like her to deliver the gifts herself and not send them through the aunt if her intentions are good. She says ok, and then asks if there's anything I would like for Christmas. My husband was floored and didn't really know how to react so he just told her it wasn't necessary to purchase me a gift. (which I'm also fine with). Then they basically just sat there and talked smack about daily stuff and nothing else was said. She's coming to Christmas and that's it.

Should I care that nothing was resolved? Should I be happy that things are at least civil between them and go on? Should I mention to my husband that I feel like things are unresolved and that masking what has happened and going on as if things are great isn't right? I'm confused. I've never been in this type of situation and don't know what to do. Or, if there's anything I should do. If anyone has any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it. I know you can likely tell from my previous posts and this one that I'm not the type of person to push myself or my opinion on anyone but I do need help on how to cope with things as they are.

Thanks in advance ladies! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 3:14am

I am so happy to hear that your MIL is willing to be civil with you. It's so important that she is willing to do that especially since you have children. I think this is a great step towards a new beginning for your relationship with your MIL. Major issues like this are going to take time to resolve, and if you really want things to work out, you should be willing to compromise (just a little bit though!). I definitely think you should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Communication is key. Plus, you have every right to feel the way you do about your relationship with your MIL being a facade. Infact, it kinda is right now. It's going to be awkward for a bit too. But hang in there! I think you are going to feel like your relationship with her is a facade until you and the MIL are actually ready and willing to talk about your issues calmly together.

Best Wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 3:06pm

I think it is perfectly normal to be confused under the circumstances. I think you should mention it to your husband. Tell him you are confused and how you feel about her coming to christmas. And ask him how he feels about it. Nothing has to come of your discussing it, such as a decision to consider the entire thing over or even uninvite her or anything like that. Count the conversation as being successful if you both can air your feelings about what is going on. If he gets mad (I seem to remember him having a temper), then tell him you'll discuss it when feelings aren't running so high.

And like Lucy said, see how christmas goes before moving forward.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:44pm
I think that this is a good first step. Although nothing has really been resolved, at least the lines of communication are back open, your husband didn't cave to his mom, and his mom is coming to your house on Christmas morning. That is definitely good progress. It seems that something this serious will take awhile to resolve - you and your husband have been hurt by his mom, his mom doesn't want to lose face, and so on. I would just proceed cautiously and see how Christmas goes. It's sort of like MIL is on probation. If she plays by the rules and is civil to everybody, then maybe your husband can talk to her and see if they can resolve things. If not, you guys go back to not talking to her. She is the one who disowned you, not the other way around. So it's up to her to make ammends. If she is willing, then you guys can choose to give her the chance.