Crazy situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2012
Crazy situation
7
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 2:20am

i need to mend things between my daughter and my husband. Technically she is his stepdaughter, but he has raised her for 10 of her 14 years.

A little bit of background - Jamie and I are both very sporty and for the last two years we have been going to the gym together and to a dojo to,study karate. My husband Tom on tue other hand hates all activity. He isn't fat, but not very fit either.

Today Tom and Jamie got into a big argument. The whole thing got physical when Jamie shoved Tom and then Tom shoved her back. Jamie freaked out and before I could get over to them she kicked Tom two or three times in the stomach and the side of the neck or face and my husband went down.

By that time I was over there and pulled Jamie back.

My husband didn't say anything afterwards but I can sense that he is shocked. I don't think he has any idea of what we do in the dojo.

Jamie appositives but she seems to have lost all respect for him. She's been acting like a brat around him since the incident.

Any idea how I can mend this?

Pixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2001
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 5:49pm
Hello Pixie I wish I could help out but I have no idea what they were arguing about or how often they argue that it would possibly exculate to such extreme. I have to say though that if your dd uses her karate skills to settle arguements and disagreements then I think she should opt for a different sport. Violence is not the answer ,,,, this needs to be explained clearly to her. You've got a big job ahead of you for sure,, good luck with it. (())
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2001
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 5:51pm

Hello Pixie
I wish I could help out but I have no idea what they were arguing about or how often they argue that it would possibly exculate to such extreme.  I have to say though that if your dd uses her karate skills to settle arguements and disagreements then I think she should opt for a different sport.  Violence is not the answer ,,,, this needs to be explained clearly to her.   You've got a big job ahead of you for sure,, good luck with it.   (())

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2012
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 6:14pm
Hello Twig. Yes I realize that it will be difficult to sort this out. This came totally unexpected. and I don't even recall what the argument was about. It wasn't anything big. Maybe it is Jamies age, shes 14. But that is still no excuse. My husband isnt a big guy and I have been telling him for years that he should work out, but I am still flabbergasted that Jamie was able to pull this off. Pixie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-1997
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 10:53pm

My thoughts: First of all both your husband and daughter need to be told in no uncertain terms that violence (i.e. shoving, kicking, etc.) is NOT acceptable. Then I think your daughter needs to learn the ethical principles and discipline of karate, not just how to hurt people. Talk to her dojo. Tell him what happened and let him teach her that her actions were contrary to the principles of karate and if she doesn't learn that, then she's missing out on the basis behind the discipline.

And she should be punished in some way for attacking her father. Grounding, restriction of phone or computer priviledges, something that will be meaningful to her and let her know you won't allow that kind of action.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2012
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 1:20pm
Jamie and I are doing the classes together and I will definitely address this with the sensei. In my husband defense, he did not start this and I don't blame him that he tried to hold her back when Jamie tried to shove him. Jamie's reaction was out of line and uncalled for. I already half a long talk with Jamie and I'm sure this wont happen again. Now I just need to find a way to help my husband. He is acting pretty insecure around Jamie since the incident.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 7:59pm

Oh yikes! I am embarressed to admit but when I was 14 or 15 I hit my stepmother in an arguement. She reached accross me and pushed me out of the moving car. When I got home (had to walk about 5 miles) my parents were both beyond ticked. I was in so much trouble. My mom really wasn't at fault looking back. I got physical first. I have no idea if my parents conversed about my moms actions or not. GOod news is that we got past it and my mom and I are now closer than you can imagine. I think your husband needs to stand his ground with her. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 11:50am

Hi Pixie,

I know I do not know you but I was in a similar situation when I was a kid.  When I was around 12 or 13 I was a fairly large boy, I was around 5' 4 and around 140lbs.  My mom was around 5'0 tall and around the same weight.   I remember we had gotten into an arguement and all of friends were over so in order to look all tuff in front of my friends I decided I was going to hit my mom.

That was the biggest mistake that I had ever made in my life!  When I raised my hand back to hit my mom she hit me square in the mouth with a closed fist that knocked me to the ground.  I do not believe until this day I have ever been hit that hard.  After that I never ever lifted a hand to mother again and gained a tremendous respect for her.

I am not saying that violence is the key, but it seems that maybe your DH should maybe have laid her out when she hit him.   I have the utmost respect for women and do not believe in hitting women at all, but when I child tries to attack their parents then I feel that violence is the answer.  I know that many psychologist would disagree and say violence leads to violence, but I feel the opposite is true.  I feel that violence in this case would lead to respect or if nothing else fear which equates to respect.

Your daughter should be punished for her actions and one of the ways you could do that is by making her drop out of Karate.  I know the principles of Karate and they are that you use Karate for self-defense only, so I am sure the instructor would be appalled if he know what he had taught your daughter was used to attack one of her parents. 

 

As for your husband not working out, maybe you could convince him to go with you, or maybe you could talk him into enrolling in martial arts as well and you guys do it as a family.  It may give your hubby and your daughter a chance to bond by giving them something in common.