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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011
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13
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 7:02pm

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

When your sister invited her friends to accompany her to your bridal shower, did she then RSVP to the hostesses saying that it would be her plus 2 more guests? And did they go along with that? I'm guessing not.

So did she just assume that you would tell the hostesses to add 2 more to the guest list?

Your sister is being completely rude and weird trying to put it on you to uninvite her friends. But if it does fall on you, you could just tell them that you're sorry for the mix-up but you are neither planning this party nor paying for it so its not even your decision, its for family only and at this late date you feel it would be impolite to ask the hostesses to add more people to the guest list anyway and you're sure they will understand. They probably will understand and be embarrassed about the position your sister put everybody in, unless

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011

She didn't RSVP for them and I told her the first time the issue came up (2 months ago) that it wouldn't be appropriate for non-family guests to be there. This is really wierd for me because I want to tell her how difficult she is making this for me, but I dont want to start an agrument with her. While we were planning her wedding two years ago, she went a little bridezilla and expected me to skip a final to print her invitations and threatened me with demoting me from MOH to bridesmaid. I don't want anything similar to happen around my wedding. I want everything to be as low-key and drama free as possible.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

Your sister made an assumption and we all know what happens when you ass-u-me. :)

First of all, you need to have a sister-to-sister discussion about any and all other "surprise" guests to your upcoming nuptials. Follow up a verbal conversation with a PDF statement if you have to and make sure you have a copy to back you up.

Secondly, it's your SISTER'S place to "un"invite these uninvited guests - not yours. YOU did not invite them. SHE did.

Oh, well, so now she has to tell them, "I'm sorry, but you can't come. I didn't get you officially on the guest list."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
You need to do what's right and inform your sister that her friends aren't invited. Stand up to her...it might gain some respect! This is your wedding and do it your way!

San
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
"I wish that she would just accept my answer and explain the situation to her friends. "

Then tell her that. I could be wrong but I get the impression you're kind of a passive person and you may not be putting your foot down firmly enough because you don't want to make waves - but as a result, she's trying to take advantage of that and manipulate you. I'm a big believer that we teach people how to treat us. If you teach her there is no room for negotiation, she'll shut up.

I'd probably say something like: "This discussion is over, I won't discuss it anymore. I've given you my answer, it's time for you to accept it. You are not hosting the party and therefore it was rude and presumptuous to invite people without consulting the hostess. I did not invite them in the first place, therefore I'm under no obligation to tell them they can't come. You brought this on yourself. YOU deal with it. End of discussion."
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Are these people invited to the wedding? If not, then it's totally inappropriate for them to be invited to a shower and your sister should be told this is wrong.

Otherwise, I agree with the others, your sister needs to apologise to her friends for her mistake and tell them that it's a family event.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011

Thanks for all of the advice guys! I really appreciate it. The uninvited guests were officially "uninvited" and my shower was wonderful! My fiancee's family is awesome and they sure know how to throw a beautiful party.

My mom and sister still make me uneasy about other wedding-related events. They were supposed to get ready with me and drive with me to the shower (it was about 30min away from my apartment). Instead, they didn't contact me until 20min before we were supposed to leave to tell me that they would just meet me at the mall near the hostess's house and then follow me because they deicided to have lunch together and go shopping.

My finacee noticed that this upset me and volunteered to take me to his mom's house so i could ride with his mom and grandma. When we arraived at the mall to get my mom and sister, despite my frequent updates on EXACTLY what time we would get there, they were still shopping and not ready to go. We had to wait in the parking lot while they took their time. the second time I called my mom to try and hurry her, she said "Its not like the party is going to start without you". I was not only hurt, but extremely embarrassed that my future in-laws had to see this side of my family. We ended up 10 min late to the shower instead of half an hour early like I had planned. Thank goodness there was plenty of sangria at the party to get me to relax and be able to truly enjoy my own bridal shower.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
So glad it went well!! I was hoping you would post an update.

You know their stall tactics is all about control. Anyone who is habitually late is trying to control things. My sister is late for EVERYTHING and walks in sans any apologies! Could you have left the mall and gone on to the house??

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011

Next time they pull that stunt. I would then just start without them. It is your party and as much as your family wants to control you. This is about you. You are not being a Bridzilla. But they are being FAMILzillas!.

Thiok about it as training for when you have kids. You give them choices. And let them learn from their choices that you will not give in. Next time you have an event important to you. And they decide to go shopping and have lunch instead. And may I point out you were not invited. Then their choice is that Either they get their butts to the event on time or you will go on time without them. And when they try to make their late grand enterance and blame you. Remind them that it was their choice to be late.

There is so many parenting books out there. And it kind of makes me laugh about an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray and Debra go to a parenting class. And Debra is not as into as she thought and wasn't doing well with the techqniues. And Here comes Ray testing out the theroies on his parents to find out it actually worked on them. (even for a short time)

You like me are a people pleasert and being such we get taken advantage of, Because as someone put it to me, because we don't want to step on anybody's corns. And we just keep quiet. But then it builds up till we blow up. And of course everything is our fault. Even though we know better.

Good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It seems like some kind of passive-agressive behavior is going on here on the part of your sister -- maybe since she was a Bridezilla and enjoyed being the center of attention at her wedding, now she is missing that and is trying to take the attention away from you.

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