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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011
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Tue, 04-10-2012 - 7:02pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2011

Wow just wow!

Your mom and your sister don't have your back. They may be your family, but they are not your friends.

You should have just gone to the shower without them.You were being disrespectful to the host of your shower by trying to please (avoid conflict with) your mom and sister.

Stop being the family douche.

You won't ever get from them what you have given. They are threatened by your happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
I'm going through the same thing and have all my adult life but now I refuse to take her behavior going forward. She's use to having all the power because I never wanted her to take her children away from me...they're grown and I'm trying to still juggle spending time with them with her around. She's completely bitchy to me but I refuse to lower myself to her level. She says I'm the problem so it's impossible to have a mature adult conversation with her. (she does this to the other siblings so it's not really personal...but the harder I push back the more aggressive she gets). I'm prepared to move on without her.

Take your life back. Stop allowing her to railroad you. Whether or not she's an older sister doesn't give her license to behave badly. DEMAND RESPECT!!

Sam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2012
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It seems like some kind of passive-agressive behavior is going on here on the part of your sister -- maybe since she was a Bridezilla and enjoyed being the center of attention at her wedding, now she is missing that and is trying to take the attention away from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011

Next time they pull that stunt. I would then just start without them. It is your party and as much as your family wants to control you. This is about you. You are not being a Bridzilla. But they are being FAMILzillas!.

Thiok about it as training for when you have kids. You give them choices. And let them learn from their choices that you will not give in. Next time you have an event important to you. And they decide to go shopping and have lunch instead. And may I point out you were not invited. Then their choice is that Either they get their butts to the event on time or you will go on time without them. And when they try to make their late grand enterance and blame you. Remind them that it was their choice to be late.

There is so many parenting books out there. And it kind of makes me laugh about an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray and Debra go to a parenting class. And Debra is not as into as she thought and wasn't doing well with the techqniues. And Here comes Ray testing out the theroies on his parents to find out it actually worked on them. (even for a short time)

You like me are a people pleasert and being such we get taken advantage of, Because as someone put it to me, because we don't want to step on anybody's corns. And we just keep quiet. But then it builds up till we blow up. And of course everything is our fault. Even though we know better.

Good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
So glad it went well!! I was hoping you would post an update.

You know their stall tactics is all about control. Anyone who is habitually late is trying to control things. My sister is late for EVERYTHING and walks in sans any apologies! Could you have left the mall and gone on to the house??

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2011

Thanks for all of the advice guys! I really appreciate it. The uninvited guests were officially "uninvited" and my shower was wonderful! My fiancee's family is awesome and they sure know how to throw a beautiful party.

My mom and sister still make me uneasy about other wedding-related events. They were supposed to get ready with me and drive with me to the shower (it was about 30min away from my apartment). Instead, they didn't contact me until 20min before we were supposed to leave to tell me that they would just meet me at the mall near the hostess's house and then follow me because they deicided to have lunch together and go shopping.

My finacee noticed that this upset me and volunteered to take me to his mom's house so i could ride with his mom and grandma. When we arraived at the mall to get my mom and sister, despite my frequent updates on EXACTLY what time we would get there, they were still shopping and not ready to go. We had to wait in the parking lot while they took their time. the second time I called my mom to try and hurry her, she said "Its not like the party is going to start without you". I was not only hurt, but extremely embarrassed that my future in-laws had to see this side of my family. We ended up 10 min late to the shower instead of half an hour early like I had planned. Thank goodness there was plenty of sangria at the party to get me to relax and be able to truly enjoy my own bridal shower.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Are these people invited to the wedding? If not, then it's totally inappropriate for them to be invited to a shower and your sister should be told this is wrong.

Otherwise, I agree with the others, your sister needs to apologise to her friends for her mistake and tell them that it's a family event.

Dee

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
"I wish that she would just accept my answer and explain the situation to her friends. "

Then tell her that. I could be wrong but I get the impression you're kind of a passive person and you may not be putting your foot down firmly enough because you don't want to make waves - but as a result, she's trying to take advantage of that and manipulate you. I'm a big believer that we teach people how to treat us. If you teach her there is no room for negotiation, she'll shut up.

I'd probably say something like: "This discussion is over, I won't discuss it anymore. I've given you my answer, it's time for you to accept it. You are not hosting the party and therefore it was rude and presumptuous to invite people without consulting the hostess. I did not invite them in the first place, therefore I'm under no obligation to tell them they can't come. You brought this on yourself. YOU deal with it. End of discussion."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
You need to do what's right and inform your sister that her friends aren't invited. Stand up to her...it might gain some respect! This is your wedding and do it your way!

San

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