23 yr old raising a 16 yr old?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2011
23 yr old raising a 16 yr old?
8
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 4:14pm

Yes, i'm the 23 year old. The 16 year old is my Sister.

In Sept, my mom and sister moved in with my husband, my 2 kids and i. In Feb. I had to kick my mom out. She failed to find a job, paid nothing, wasted everything. She doesnt respect my husband, the only person in this house that pays the bills. I'm a stay at home mom, caring for my 2 and 4 year old.

When i kicked my mom out, i let my sister stay. Shes in high school. I didn't want her to have to switch schools or be homeschooled. My sister also doesnt respect my husband. She always has an attitude, doesn't listen or follow the rules 90% of the time. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. My mother doesnt provide any financial assistance for her. My husband and i buy all her things.

Lately..... I'm drained, overwhelmed and angry. I'm angry at my mom for being lazy. Angry at myself for being scared to tell her how i really feel. Angry that my sister doesnt listen to or respect me. My family could give

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 7:45pm

Hugs,

I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 1:02am

Wow, 5 years ago I could have written your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 9:50am

Big big ((HUGS)) to you, arose!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 11:03am
I've never been to an AA meeting. Though my mom has been to a few. Yes she is an alocholic.. ever since I was younger I felt I've been rescuing my mom. Shed date abusive men, I've been around more than enough to witness that. Called the cops plenty of times. My mom didn't raise me. I left when I was 8. My sisters biological dad threatened it kill my mom and sister in front of me if I didn't leave. It was a blessing in disguise. My dad did a great job raising me. My mom hasn't really done that well with my sister, never setting boundries, letting her get away with anything and the list goes on. Its really hard for me to step in and try to switch it up so late in the game. If I say no, my sister calls her mom to see if she'll say yes because that's what she woulda done before. Its crap. My mom is always so willing to run away from her problems. Its so much easier for her to leave my sister with me and go lay around all day. I know she's capable of more, she's a strong person. I love her to death I'm just really dissapointed in her lack of motivation. Ya know? I feel that I carry all this weight of her on my shoulders. Like I still need to support her and hold her hand so she doesn't get off track. Its exhausting. As for my sister, she's almost just like my mom and it scares me. Id love to help my sister and hold her hand, but I think id be tearing myself down trying to fight with the both of them. Before I let my mom move in I debated with myself to either help her to the best of my ability or stop dealing with her at all. Constantly calling me drunk. She got drunk at my house and embarresed me/herself in front of my husbands coworkers. My dad always taught me to rely on no one, be strong and take responsibility for my actions. So it frusterates me so much that she can't do that and her 23 yr old daughter can. I want her to live her own life without my help. Id be so proud of her to finally stand on her own, make her own decisions, be sober....ect. not sure if that will ever happen. Reciently I found 4 packs on smokes and a condom in my sisters room. She's already had one MIP.. if she gets caught now its mine and my husbands butts on the line. If she gets pregnant, will we be expected to take care of and provide? Or would my mom?
Not to mentions my families hate for my husband. Mostly because he wrote up a contract for my mom to help her keep on track. I wrote it too. Now my whole family (moms side) won't talk to us. My mom says bad things about him to me. She doesn't respect him, neither does my sister. He does a lot for this family and gets nothing, not even respect in return? They all try to tell me I'm better off without him. Why? So I can sit around all day with my mom, aunt and gma and talk about everyone else because my life sucks. I'm not about to throw away the best thing in my life, for my mom. I made my own family, and we'll be strong respectful and responsible people. Yes I feel bad still about asking my sister to leave but I can't do this anymore. Some days I wanna break everythin I see because I'm so angry.... I want my mom to step up and be the mom she knows how to be, just to lazy to care right now.

Anyhow, thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 11:16am

AA is for the alcoholics.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 1:40pm

I know you said you didn't want advice, but, here's what I'd do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2011
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 3:05pm
I wouldn't throw my sister out on the street. I'm hoping my mom comes forward and gets her butt in gear. I would love to take custody or guardianship of my sister to be able to provide more for her and really take her in. But my mom won't let me. She doesn't want to give up rights or be seen as abandoning her daughter. Sure, I guess. She'll need school clothes, ect... my mom would rather spend her $$ on food or beer and smokes. She's already getting food assistance from the state.
My husband said he'd be more willing to enforce disapline and such if she was our kid. It would just be a lot easier "laying down the law" without outsiders. My mom agrees with my rules. But when it comes to enforcing them she wants to over turn me. Its bs. But if I even mentioned my husband and I taking over custody of her shed be completly defiant. Id be taking away her tax credit, heaven forbid.

I asked my mom if she wanted to talk about this and no response.... she'll be mad and angry until the time comes, instead of realizing what's going on, trying and doing something about it.

Ill keep you all updated. Hopefully her and I talk soon.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 05-25-2011 - 9:14pm
So much pressure for you but your sister as no one else it seems unless her father is somewhere in the picture. I'm sorry but your sister needs your help now no matter what your Mom wants. It's time to contact the children's aid or whatever you have in your area to understand your situation & your sister's.

Raising teenagers is the greatest challenge, believe me those sleepless nights with a baby aren't anything compared to the sleepless nights worrying where your teen is & what they are doing. You need to set down rules & understand your rights. Your Mom is an alcoholic which makes her selfish & self centered. I have spend my lifetime dealing with my alcoholic Mom. She too wanted me to dump my husband so we could live together. Yeah, right - like I would want to give up my great life to be her full time slave. It so didn't happen.

You also need to talk to someone to ease your own pain/frustration so that you can be a good parent to your own children. You don't need to blame your sister for your child's actions. You need to stop these actions early & quickly so that they don't continue. I know it's hard when you are tired, frustrated & struggling with everything. Time outs are great even for Mom's so you can take a deep breath & recharge your batteries to deal with situations in a more positive light.

Good luck, take care of yourself & your DH as your relationship is the most important one of all.

Dee